To find this weird

[DrinkFromMyFountain]

A very close friend of mines father recently passed away :(. The funeral is next Wednesday and it has been stressed by my friend and her sister that it is "very close friends and family only" because I think they don't want lots of people there when they are grieving, I also believe the father had stated he didn't want a big funeral. The funeral is basically "invite only"

I grew up knowing this man and have been invited to the funeral, however due to various issues I won't go into, I may not be able to go.

I was discussing this with another friend of mine who has met my friend a couple of times (through me) and she suggested that she would go instead of me to "support" my friend. I repeated several times that it was "very close friends and family only", she did not seem to get the hint and spoke of my friend as if she was an old dear pal .

AIBU to find it odd that she is so insistent on going to the funeral of somebody she has never met to support somebody she barely knows?

I've known people like this. I think they are coming from a good place.

Its hard to know what to say isn't it?

maybe she is trying to help you?

A bit odd but probably well-meaning.

On the other hand, some people love being involved in a drama - they can't wait for someone to ask if they've got plans so that they can lower their eyes and say 'I'm actually going to a funeral' and paint themselves as closer to the deceased and their family than they actually are to gain sympathy from others. I knew someone who was like this, always claiming to be 'best friends' or 'cousins' with anyone from their local community who was ill or bereaved and it was just a way to get attention from people and portray herself as a nicer person that she actually was.
Definitely not saying that this is your friend's motive, but if she seems oblivious to the preferences of the family then she may have tendencies in that direction...

it is quite odd and puts you in a tricky position. I think if it were me I'd be tempted to actually spell it out and say don't go. She's probably doing it with the best intentions but in some families it would be seen as quite inappropriate, I think. Better that you tell her now than that someone takes umbrage at the funeral, I think.

She sounds like a possible grief tourist

Is she from a different country/culture?
It's perfectly normal in Ireland for example for literally hundreds of people to come to a funeral because they know, or work with a child of the deceased for example.

Spell it out.

Could it be a cultural thing? One of my friends (Hindu, from Pakistan) has previously mentioned going to funerals to "represent" an absent person, and I know that some of her older relatives go to funerals of people they don't even know because they've been told that the deceased has no/few people left to grieve him or her.

Oh and rather than grief tourism (who has the time) in Ireland it would be considered extremely rude not to attend the funeral of the parent of a long-term colleague or friend, regardless of never having met the actual person

Reminds me of my mother. I was staying with her a few weeks ago and whilst there walked past the aftermath of a fatal accident. It had obviously happened not long before I got there as the police etc were still arriving, and they'd not yet blocked the area off. I saw the injured person on the ground but not the incident itself.

My mother rang me a few days later to tell me that I was not to be angry but she'd passed the spot and seen people had laid flowers down, so had bought a bunch to put down for me. Now on the one hand you can see this as being a nice gesture, but I get the feeling it was to give her a role in the drama - she would have been able to tell the florist that I saw something, and then tell other people that she put a bouquet down.

I wasn't angry (couldn't be bothered) but it did strike me as being strange and slightly distasteful.

Oh and rather than grief tourism (who has the time) in Ireland...

Not sure what you are suggesting here Oscarw???

I was wondering who has the time in this day and age (or inclination) to be a "grief tourist"?

Loads of people