AIBU to ask how you would deal with this? DD1 will not share.

[HMOD]

I have two daughters. Number 1 is 6 years old and Number 2 just turned 3.

Over the summer, the most overused phrase in the HMOD house has been DD1 screeching 'I don't want DD2 playing with MY THINGS'. Which is fair enough, but given that DD2 has not destroyed anything of hers ever and is generally a pretty easygoing creature, it does seem a bit of an overreaction. I honestly don't know what brought it on, but me and DH have been hoping it's a phase.

It has been extremely trying though: DD1 cannot even go to the toilet without gathering up whatever she is playing with and taking it with her/giving it to me for safekeeping. She has snatched things out of her sisters hands, causing much strife. We were nearly late for her first day back today as she was trying to put half the contents of the playroom in her bedroom so DD2 couldn't play with it. Tonight she pooed herself (boak) because she didn't make it to the bathroom in time, as she was too busy trying to make sure DD2 wouldn't get at her toys whilst she was gone. It is beyond ridiculous.

I have tried: shouting, talking about it when things have calmed down, taking away of privileges, giving DD1 a 'special box' which she can put things she really doesn't want DD2 to play with in, more shouting.

For avoidance of drip-feeding, neither child has special needs, they usually get along fairly well, and when I asked DD1 in a calm moment why she was so insistent DD2 didn't play with her things-'I just don't want DD2 playing with MY THINGS'. Not helpful.

I'm sure it's just a phase which will pass, but I really, really cannot deal with another morning like today, which is why I'm posting in AIBU at 10pm. Also, I'm pretty sure DD1 isn't keen on pooing herself again. This is truly driving me bonkers, any advice would be gratefully received.

You say you've taken away privileges, but have you showed her what it's like to be on the receiving end of her behaviour? Not 'punishing' her as such, just playing her at her own game. She wants to watch TV? No, she can't - the TV is yours and you don't want her playing with your things. Play on the computer? No, that's yours too. She can't have treats when you're out and about because you won't share your money, etc.

Keep it up until she learns to share - and make sure she knows then when she starts sharing, you will too. I don't think you'll need to do for very long - hopefully it will be a short, sharp shock and will get her thinking.

Sharing is a really difficult concept for some children, especially when it's about sharing with a sibling you don't particularly like.

I think you need to let her have some special things that are her own that she doesn't have to share. Talk to her about personal toys and toys to share, and help her choose which toys are going to be which. You could give her a special shelf or something in her room to keep the things that she doesn't want to share, and maybe put a limit on how many toys she can keep to herself in one go.

I don't believe in making children share everything they own. I wouldn't want to share some of my stuff. When they do need to share because they both want the same thing at the same time, make it about taking turns rather than sharing. Get dd to help you decide how long each persons turn should be and show her that it is being timed on a clock.

I'm guessing that she doesn't use much/any things from dd2 due to age difference? From an adult perspective, that's fine, but with my DC, I've noticed perspective is a bit warped. When DD2 asks for a toy and DD1 let's her use it, make sure to praise her- if she consistently gives things, then reward her. Make it seem like DD1 is being nice for sharing, not that she SHOULD automatically share (however you feel, to her, this is her stuff, so it's more like giving a gift than sharing...I don't think this will change for a while?). After all, sharing is a nice thing and if she doesn't actually see any physica return to sharing, then it won't help her?

I tell my possessive ds1 that its fine if he doesn't want to share his toys, they are his and its his decision . However he in turn cannot play with any of ds2's toys until he decides to share his own.

It usually works for mine

That's a good point! You could somehow make sure dd2 owns something that your dd1 will want to play with, so she knows what it feels like when she wants her sister to share with her. She might not have much opportunity to want anything that belongs to younger sister just because of the age difference, so inner mind it might feel like she is always the one having to share.

Make clear distinctions between HER things, family things, and sisters things. Family things you have to share or take turns with. But HER things she doesn't have to share. Likewise DD2 doesn't have to share her things either.

Have a small blanket or similar that she can put over things she's in the middle of playing with if she has to leave them briefly (toilet, dinner etc). No one else can play with them while the blankets there (DD2 gets the same privilege). But there is a time limit after which you will remove the blanket and all toys go back into free circulation. Only a late night idea, not tried it in practice.

Try to get to the bottom of why she doesn't want her sister playing with her things, is she scared they'll get broken, doesn't want her game interrupted, doesn't like sister etc

Sibling rivalry is horrible for all concerned :-(

There is a book called "monsters are like that" that sprang to mind while reading your post. Not sure it will help, but it may encourage her to see it can be fun to let her sister in?

I think sharing is over rated. Why should DD2 be able to help herself to DD1 stuff while is is at school or otherwise out the room?

It is different if they are playing together then they should be able to take turns and play together nicely but giving her free range is some what different.

Do you also encourage DD2 to ask if she can borrow something rather than just picking it up? or is it just expected that she can play with it if she wants.

Onetiredmummy - that is just what I was going to advise.

My dss is often reluctant to share his toys with ds, and you know what? That is absolutely fine with me. Saying "you can't play with my stuff" while holding on to one of your brothers toys...not so much.

And I think saying she can't use the TV/etc; is a bit unfair- unless of course, you stop dd2 ever watching the TV or using something of yours. I won't share everything I own, and when I share something, I'm being nice and I shouldn't automatically have to.

What about time and attention from you? Does she have difficulty sharing that as well, or is it just toys?

If it was my kids I would be going down the Kirsty Thomas route.

I think your DD1 should have a few special things aside (in a box) just for her but then learn to take turns with most items.

Can you catch her sharing well? Mention it.

Or allow TV only if they have shared well that day

Adults don't necessarily "share" their toys so why should children, especially as I suspect most of it is one way and DD1 is rarely bothered about DD2's stuff. Why is DD2 always fiddling with her stuff anyway? Why isn't she encouraged to play with her own toys?
Are you buying things that are too easy for DD2 that she gets bored with? if DD1's is suitable for DD2 and she is always wanting it then why not buy her her own versions?
My youngest wasn't allowed to play with my eldest's stuff if she was out of the house. I'm sure you wouldn't want someone else rifling through your stuff when you aren't around. That isn't sharing, it's using someone else's stuff without their permission.
You either buy them joint toys for sharing or you let them have their own toys and let the one who's toy it is have first dibs with other kids only playing with them when the child whose toys they are says they can.
It sounds as though DD2 makes a beeline for DD1's stuff the moment she leaves the room which isn't fair on DD1 if she returns from the loo to find her toy's been nicked.
I'd be encouraging DD2 to play with her own toys and leave DD1 and her toys alone.

Younger siblings can be absolute PITAs on the sly. Not only is big sister's someone else's toy more attractive, but when you get a big reaction it makes the toy even more appealing and you'll pursue it to the end of the earth - just because you can, it upsets your big sister and TBH you find it funny.

Reassure your DD1 that her toys are safe and that you are personally guaranteeing that DD2 won't swipe them or spoil DD1's games while she is away from the toy. If you find it hard to enforce that guarantee with DD2, then think how hard it must be for a 6yo to come up with reasonable ways of coping.

We have some things that are "to share" and some things that belong to an individual child, and they are not forced to share "their" things.
Any fighting or refusing to take turns/tantrumming over shared things results in it being taken away and nobody has it. Anything that is their own, the owner gets possession of it, the others have to ask permission to have a go/borrow whatever it is, and if the owner says no, then that's final.
It's just how we've worked it out over the years of having more than one child in the house and not buying them one of everything each iyswim.
They don't exactly seem to enjoy sharing, but given a choice between a turn or nothing, they take turns, and it does get better as they get older.
That and "protecting" their very favourite/special/Very Own things is what works for us with 5 DCs of varying ages

DD1 has always been like this and she is 16! She kicks off about her siblings always borrowing her stuff, which they dont, but then cheerfully helps herself to their DVDs, DD2's HP books, phone charger etc and then says "Oh FGS, I was only borrowing it!"

So I said that she was perfectly entitled to say no to sharing her stuff, but that so are the others and if they say no then tough. She hates it, but she has to accept that it is the only fair way to be.

Toyswise we tend to have "my" toys, such as special dolls etc and "our" toys such as games and big things like the Happy Land stuff when they were little. It was understood that although Father Christmas gave you the Happy Land Post Office, it lived in the box with the stuff Father Christmas gave your siblings and everyone shared it.

That and my "You sort it because if you dont then I will and you know what that means" attitude worked pretty well.

PS what would I have done? Dont know, the threat of me wading in was enough to mean I never had to :o