to not know how to help my sister re. alcohol abuse

[farewellfigure]

Hi

My dsis drinks too much. Her husband, daughter and myself are worried sick. She drinks in the afternoon when her husband is at work and then when he comes home she is abusive and not nice to be around. She sometimes continues to drink and then ends up throwing up or injuring herself. She seems to get by OK though, has a morning job, and is a lovely person and a pleasure to know when she's sober. I can't even believe I'm writing this about my own sister as I love her so much and she would be horrified to think I was thinking this.

It's been going on for years now. A couple of times we have come close to talking to her about it as a family. Her husband sometimes tries to talk to her but she becomes abusive. Her daughter has also brought it up but dsis didn't talk to her for a month as a result. Our dm is mostly in denial and although she agrees dsis drinks too much, she refuses to believe she's an alcoholic.

We've come to the point where we are thinking we need to talk to her as a family (including dm and dsis's son) but it is difficult to know where to start. We don't want her to feel threatened or confronted... we just need her to know that we're worried to death, that her drinking is starting to affect her relationships, and that we will do ANYTHING to support her. We're worried sick that she will walk out and refuse to discuss it or worse, she'll hate us all for discussing this 'behind her back'. Sorry... I hate that phrase.

I wondered whether anyone had any advice or experience in what's the best thing to do.

Thanks for reading. Long... sorry.

It really must be hard to deal with.
I've no idea where you would start.
I would go to an Al Anon meeting and see what advice they could give. I'm sure they can help you with it all.
Look out your local one and if you really want to support her then this is probably the best place as a starting point?
I'm sure someone much more experienced will be along soon.
I really hope you can get it sorted out.

Thanks hellbells. I had thought about going to an AA meeting but I'm just not sure I could face it. Maybe I could ring them first. I worried I'll just break down or worse, they'll suggest something that I just can't do. I'm not feeling particularly brave at the moment!

My experience of dealing with someone with alcohol problems is that there is nothing you can do to help them. They have to help themself. If they are not prepared to do that, all you'll do is pointlessly expend mountains of emotionally energy and get nothing in return. The most useful thing I learnt from an alcohol rehab specialist is that there is nothing you can do or say to change someone else's behaviour. You can only change how you respond to it.

You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. And you can't control it.

Whatever you and her DH and DD do, she will do what she is going to do. All you can do is be honest and decide what you need to do to protect yourselves. She needs to want to change and it doesn't sound like she currently wants to.

Thanks for the advice. I've just had a revelation (which ties in with what you've written). We can't go to her and say 'stop drinking' as obviously that won't work. But we can go and say 'This is how your drinking makes us feel'. For instance it's damaging her relationships, she's making herself ill, she hurts herself from falling over, she's bolshy and confrontational on the phone, it's really embarrassing sometimes at social gatherings etc. That way we're just letting her know how we feel, but not TELLING her to do anything about it.

Does that sound better do you think?

It's so hard because alcohol is everywhere.

Within 5/10 minutes walk from my house are about ten pubs, three supermarkets and a corner shop. Oh, and an off licence. I struggle to keep to safe limits of wine and know that drink is a slippery slope. It sounds like your sister is in a very bad way and in a lot of denial.

I recommend you contact Al Anon as they will give you some good support.

I second what mrsterry says - conserve your emotional reserves for yourself and family members to support each other.

Stating plainly how her behaviour affects things may give her a lightbulb moment, or give her a prompt to start spiralling downward in a big "sod you all" type gesture.

What does the DH think? Have things got to a point where he is enabling to gain some type of control, how does he want his life to go?

This must be so painful for all of you - there are lots of threads with these as themes which are good to dip into, especially as regard to co- dependency.

You can tell her how it makes you feel but I doubt it'll change anything. What you really need to do is decide where your line in the sand is, make it clear to her where that line is, and walk away when she crosses it (which she will most likely do). Because sadly it's only when they lose what is dearest to them that they start to see the problem.

The only thing I would ask is if there is any chance she is self medicating any depression or anxiety? Have you or your brother noticed any triggers for her behaviour ?

I have a sister that has an alcohol problem, and it is really hard.

We all spoke to her separately so as not to be too confrontational (me, mum, dad) but it did no good whatsoever and I'm sad to say that for my children's sake, I removed myself from the situation with the very clear message to my sister that when she stops drinking, I can't wait to see her.

Unfortunately, she now just uses the 'my sister won't talk to me' as a reason to drink.

She is different to your dsis, in that she is single and childless, and can and does, go for a couple of weeks without alcohol, but can never ever have just one.
She will always end up wasted and aggressive, then she will get arrested, sometimes when arrested she will threaten to kill herself if they don't let her go so she has ended up in the local psych ward occasionally but there are no real concerns re her mh, she has had a few counselling sessions etc and the professionals aren't worried.

My eldest is now 10 and has never met her aunt.

It's just too sad.

Good luck x

Going to Al Anon (not AA) is good advice. Al Anon is for the relatives and friends of alcoholics, whereas AA is for the alcoholics themselves (of whom I am one).

It is true that you can't make someone stop drinking, and that they won't stop until they are ready, but I do think being told repeatedly that your drinking is worrying people you love has a steady drip-drip effect. Certainly by the time I was ready to get sober I had heard it many times; it means, at least, that you really can't kid yourself any more that there isn't a problem.

As I say, I am looking at this from the other side; Al Anon will be full of people on your side, with the same problems, and their advice will be good. Also, I am absolutely certain that the meetings will be friendly and constructive - nothing whatsoever to be afraid of.

Thank you all for the advice and support. I've found an al-anon near me so I'll go along.

Her DCs are grown-up. Her DD is very upset and emotional. Her DS laughs it off but would probably be supportive if push came to shove. I think as a family we are all a bit too fond of self medicating. There's a history of drinking, smoking etc as well as a few mental health issues and episodes of depression. Our DDad died 5 years ago and all three siblings used drinking to a certain degree to get over it. Dsis is still doing so.

Thanks also for the advice about talking to her separately. I think the whole 'family meeting' thing would be just too overwhelming and confrontational.

The worst case scenario would be that her husband will get to the point where he has had enough. Dsis is 10 years older than me and I have known my brother-in-law since I was 8. I cannot bear the thought that she would risk losing him. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Good luck, and do go to Al Anon - I promise it will help.

Hi op,

Glad your going to al anon they are also there to support drinkers families a d wil be able to provide rl support in a way we can't

I just want to share something positive with you.

There was a woman who lived a couple if doors down from me, lets call her s.
she had 3 children (when I first me her they were 2-11) she used to do the morning school run drunk. To look at her you would have assumed she had previously had a stroke as her muscles on the right had side were permanently lax.
The primary school her youngest attended had been reporting her to ss once a week for years (we know this because we tried reporting her and when we had no luck spoke to the school)

One day her youngest was found outside our door barely dressed and very frightened. We took her in and comforted her and and she begged us not to make her go home. She told us she was frightened because her mum was falling over lots and shouting, that she had hit and she had run. At this point she was 7.

We called ss who said there was nothing we could do and we had to send her back to her mum.
We called the police and they said if the ss weren't interested then not only was there nothing they could do to protect her if we kept her we would be prosecuted for child abduction.

While mulling all this over we heard s calling for her dd in the street and her dds reaction was heartbreaking.

Someone went out to speak to s to explain where her dd was and that she was too frighten to go home.
She refused to believe it and was very angry and upset until her dd could be persuaded to tell her mum for herself.

From that day to this (about 11 years) she has not touched alcohol.

Nagging obviously isn't helpful but Sometimes the right word in the right place can be the rock bottom that is needed.

Good luck with al anon, I really hope it works out for you

Hi Herrana

Thanks for your post. It is a very sad story but thankfully with a happy ending.

I'm relieved that both dsis's dcs were much older when the drinking really got out of hand, and they have never been in danger or so young that they were frightened. When they were 15 and 13 they asked me whether I thought dsis was an alcoholic and I dismissed it, which is something I really regret. They were looking for help and advice but I didn't have any idea that her drinking was out of hand so I didn't really listen. 10 years later and I'm finally listening.

Hopefully our chats with her will make her think about how she's affecting the whole family.

I'm so glad you're going to Al-Anon! As a recovering alcoholic myself, I'm only just beginning to realise the extent to which my loved ones suffered as a result of my drinking. They could not stop me,I had to make that decision myself. Al-Anon should help you to understand a bit about the addiction, and provide you with people who are uniquely placed to give you understanding advice. I wish you all the best

Another one for AlAnon. Go. They can help. Also a very useful technique for talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is 'when you, I feel' they can't generally argue that. Can you/ they afford an in patients rehab?

My dad is an alcoholic, 8 years sober next month and it took a full family intervention with family members he respected, 5 when you I feels each and the choice of rehab or out on his ear, then 8 weeks in rehab (and they are brutal to them there - not a beating brutal obvs but a total no more shit from you kind. Alcoholics in recovery are the best people in the world for helping alcoholics in denial).

Generally they have to hit rock bottom and that it the place there the next thing they lose or the last thing theylost means more than the next drink. many don't make it there - my fil didn't and a lot of that was no one pushed him to it iyswim - not trying to scare you but to try show you, tog are not helping her by not pushing. Cruel to be kind is so so true with alcoholics. Sympathy does not help