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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to have lost it with DH. quite long and self-pitying...

21 replies

Marzipanface · 03/09/2013 13:57

I am unwell. I have some kind of mump type thing and I ache, glands swollen and generally feel like crap. Both my two children - one being a baby of four months have it as well. Baby is sleeping really badly at the moment. I do all the night wakings as I breastfeed and baby won't take a bottle. I am shattered and unwell. I had yet another night of constant wakings as older child had a fever most of the night so no nursery for her today.

I woke husband at 6 this morning (sleeps in another room in order to get a night's sleep. This is fine and makes sense to me) He happily gets up with the baby for a few hours before work. However, baby gets brought back to me regularly for 'feeds', despite me feeding him before handing to DH so I never really get any sleep. I think he is teething but DH insists he needs the breast. This includes weekends as well. DHs solution is try and wean him off the breast and onto a bottle.

I am bone tired and tearful. I am struggling to keep on top of the housework and look after the kids. Normally I manage. I am not managing at the moment.

Dh is working at home today. So far unable to have anything to eat as children have occupied me constantly so I run downstairs in a rare moment that baby is asleep and DD is watching iPad. I also load the dishwasher and do a few more chores at top speed as I don't like leaving toddler alone with baby as i know it is not advised. I also get some food and drink for DD.

Whilst I am down there, DH snaps at me because I managed to get playdoh or something on some important forms I left on the kitchen table. He gave them to me to help him fill in. This massively pisses me off because I didn't necessarily get stuff on his paperwork yet I seem to be responsible for the mess, despite being the one who regularly clears up the table everynight. Not done as so tired yesterday and had a feverish dd.

So despite being really fucking angry about this, I kept my mouth shut and TRIED to apologise to him for forgetting about the paperwork and explain to him that I have a lot on my mind. ill, exhausted etc.
Apology not good enough apparently. 'Not really an apology is it?' I was 'having a go'. This stupid argument has detained me and I am v aware that my two children are upstairs unsupervised. I can hear them over the baby monitor. Then DD arrives downstairs to inform me she has been sick from taking baby's medicine... We both run upstairs to discover she has been taking the infacol which she has somehow managed to get off a high shelf. She is climber. I feel wretched. Baby has also woken up.

I point out that this is the reason I don't like leaving them unattended and DH SHOUTS at me for 'continuing the argument'. I lost it and threw the infacol at him and ran off. Pathetic I know. Obviously this scares DD who comes and finds me and demands I apologise to her for shouting and making her sad :) We don't argue in front of the children as a rule and I NEVER throw things at people so clearly I am struggling.

Now not only do I feel exhausted, crap, and overwhelmed. I have now shouted in front of my children and thrown a missile at their Dad. I feel utterly shit.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 03/09/2013 14:06

Oh gosh, poor you. Your DH needs to sort something out with his work and you need to go to bed and stay there. Especially as he's working from home you shouldn't need to be worrying about loading the dishwasher and stuff like that, and if he knows you're sick and exhausted he shouldn't be trying to win arguments and expecting the perfect apology.

At the very least, you should just be taking care of yourself and your baby, I'm sure your DD would be happy to watch DVDs all day if she's sick herself, so your DH could still get some work done.

Have you been to the GPs, do you have any meds or anything? With glandular stuff you really need to rest or you will never get better. Do you have any family or anyone else who could help out?

Marzipanface · 03/09/2013 14:24

Thank you Dreaming Bohemian

knows you're sick and exhausted he shouldn't be trying to win arguments and expecting the perfect apology.

This is exactly what is making me rage!

Thing is he is pretty much SuperDad and a supportive DH most of the time so this isn't a LTB scenario. However, I really don't think he appreciates how tired I am or how much I really do behind the scenes.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 03/09/2013 14:29

Oh poor you.

Stop trying to do anything apart from feed the baby and get yourself well.
Get DD1 snuggled up with you and the ipad in bed. Now is not the time to fret about screen time. Take a huge bottle of water up to bed with you and make sure you keep your fluids up. Put baby within arms reach and feed her as much as she wants, she's obviously poorly too.

Do not do another chore. Not one. If DH won't feed you, have toast for tea. Just do what you can to get through this and DH will either notice what's up and come and help, or he won't - he can do what he likes atm, the priority is getting everyone well.

Save the fight for when you feel up to it - if he's normally really supportive then it's not worth getting in to it just now.

You can discuss things calmly when you feel better.

Oh and the minute DH finishes work, DD1 pops off to him, just leaving you in bed with the baby.

Marzipanface · 03/09/2013 14:31

I don't know if I should be apologising for chucking the bottle at his leg now.

The idea of him taking a day off sick is unthinkable to him, so the idea of him taking off a day when he is NOT sick to look after us all wouldn't occur to him.

OP posts:
Marzipanface · 03/09/2013 14:34

He would feed us and will look after DD after work. I think that is what will prob happen to be honest. So I think I possibly have just lost the plot. It is really hard when sleep deprived to gauge a situation properly!

Thank you for reading my rant everyone!

OP posts:
TheListingAttic · 03/09/2013 14:38

What Wilson said. Fully and totally and again and then some. You can't have a rsasoned argument in your state, poor thing, so don't try. Hunker down, get better, sirt eeverything else later.

mrsfuzzy · 03/09/2013 14:38

your husband works, but you are poorly and will make yourself worse if you don't rest, sorry but your husband needs to man up and support you a lot more, forget the house work and look after yourself and the little ones but when he is at home bleating about the mess etc he can either sort it out or shut up, can you get family help for a while? hope you feel better soon.

TheListingAttic · 03/09/2013 14:39

"reasoned" - d'oh!

TheListingAttic · 03/09/2013 14:41

"sort", "everything" - never posting on phone and again!

DropYourSword · 03/09/2013 14:48

A slight aside here from your main point, but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that children see their parents argue as long as it's respectful, no name calling, no missiles etc. Maybe disagreeing is a better word. At least they can see people don't always agree on things bit they can talk it through and resolve it. Although I don't think people should ever argue about kids in front of kids.

I how you get better soon OP. I think a decent sleep is in order!

mrsfuzzy · 03/09/2013 14:54

totally agree with drop y s, it is also good to verbally apologize in front of the kids if you have rowed, if it is practical to do so.

silverangel · 03/09/2013 14:57

Oh dear, I remember once feeling just like that when DTs were about 5mo. I threw one of their bottles at DH in a mix of rage / tiredness / fedup-ness. It made him how much I needed sleep and things did improve after that - he started helping with night wakings etc.

I really hope you get some sleep and start to feel better. Cbeebies for the older one and try and feed the baby and sleep.

Marzipanface · 03/09/2013 16:02

Thank you all. I feel a bit better now. DD is now in front of cbeebies although I don't know how long that will last as she is not really a telly watcher.

In the past if we have had disagreements we have always apologised in front of DD. We normally get along well and rarely shout etc. so I am not sure what is going to happen when DH emerges from office.

OP posts:
MoominMammasHandbag · 03/09/2013 16:06

Thing is, lots of men won't soldier on if they feel at all unwell, therefore if their partner is soldiering on they assume she can't be feeling that bad. You may actually have to spell out to him that you feel like shit and take yourself off to bed. Leave it to him to sort out the childcare and everything else. You don't mess around with viral/ glandular stuff OP or you'll end up with ME or something.

Marzipanface · 03/09/2013 16:11

Yes. I have tendency to soldier on. I have an autoimmune illness so am used to having to get on with things. I think this is largely the problem.

OP posts:
Patilla · 03/09/2013 16:31

Just as an aside do you need DD checking out in relation to having taken an unknown amount of calpol?

MoominMammasHandbag · 03/09/2013 17:18

Marzipan, seriously, point out to your DH that if you don't look after yourself you could end up being ill for a long time, then he really would have to massively step up.

DrSeuss · 03/09/2013 17:31

I am still trying to locate the self pity. You are I'll and over stretched, he is no help. That's not self pity. I'd be furious!
Hope you feel better soon.

Marzipanface · 03/09/2013 18:15

Patillla
It was infacol colic drops not Calpol. I keep that out of the way in a locked cupboard. I don't think she had much at all as the bottle was still virtually full. It might help her persistent windy tummy though :)

OP posts:
Marzipanface · 03/09/2013 18:17

Have taken all your advice and as soon as DH finished work I gave him toddler with instructions to feed her etc. I'm in bed now in front of laptop with baby in cot gurgling next to me. DH has taken toddler. I'm waiting for baby to go to sleep than I will. DH is being quite uncommunicative

Thank you for all of your concern.

OP posts:
mrsfuzzy · 03/09/2013 18:21

you go girl, we are all behind you on this one !!! get well soon.

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