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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS (10) very upset and refusing to move house/home

13 replies

WhiteLlama · 03/09/2013 12:56

Its been coming for a while, but I have finally arranged our house move. Its just me and my son moving, as I am a single parent. But my son is very upset about it. He will have to change primary school for one year, and leave his friends.

I have tried to be understanding. I have tried to positive. I have tried being clear that I've made the decision for the best reasons. And also to explain there's no alternative. But to no avail.

He is still very upset indeed with me, and the world in general. He is also insisting he wants to be adopted or fostered so he can stay in the local area Hmm Sad.

Any suggestions, I don't know what else I can do. Anyone else been through something similar? Though I do realise we all react to things differently.

OP posts:
LadyMaryQuiteContrary · 03/09/2013 12:59

Sad Why are you moving? Are you able to commute to get him to school? I'd 'sell' the new place to him and take him to have a look around. Will his new room be larger? Bigger garden? Closer to a park? He's 10, he won't see that it's for the best yet.

Original poster
WhiteLlama · 03/09/2013 13:03

Hi LadyMary, I am moving for good reasons and he's seen the place and likes it and has told me its actually quite nice. Indeed he wished me well for me my move there, without him, and hopes I like it! Not possible to commute, too far at 2 hours plus away.

I think he will just really, really miss his friends.

OP posts:
LadyMaryQuiteContrary · 03/09/2013 13:07

He's going to need some time, it's a huge change for him. I'd tell him that he'll be moving to a new secondary school next year anyway so it will give him the chance to make some new friends who will be moving with him. He'll still be able to email, call and visit his old friends so he'll make tonnes more. Smile

Holliewantstobehot · 03/09/2013 13:14

I moved at ten from gloucestershire to Cornwall and had to go to a new school for year six. I was adamant i didn't want to move and told my dad that as soon as i was old enough i was going to move back. Despite having lived in several different cities i now live in cornwall and feel its my home. Changing school wasn't as bad as i thought it would be and i am so grateful my parents didn't listen to me because moving was the best thing we ever did as a family.

Andro · 03/09/2013 13:14

Your poor DS, that's a lot of upheaval in a short space of time. Lots and lots of reassurance that it will be okay, but be clear on the fact that he has to move with you. Will his new school be a feeder school to a particular secondary? If so you'll be able to reassure him that new friends will be moving with him, if not then be honest with him.

Beastofburden · 03/09/2013 13:21

I moved house tons at that age- three infant schools, two junior schools and two houses during my secondary school. Plus my parents moved again when I went to Uni.

i regularly threatened to run away etc. So did all my friends who didnt move house. We all saved up running away money like Jessica Mitford and kept it in our pyjamas. Dont confuse the normal "I hate my parents/I want to be adopted" thing that all 11 year olds do, with the move. he will no doubt be a PITA anyway in the coming years; this is also not really about the move, thuogh I am sure that he will push your buttons on it if he thinks you will believe him.

I actually got used to the new schools almost at once and I did well academically (so dont feel guilty about that either).

Of course he is kicking off, he is completely inexperienced. I would explain to him that all he knows is what he has now, so of course he thinks it is the end of the world; but in fact he is wrong. ideally, if affordable, administer large bribe- skating lessons? riding lessons? sailing? something he cant do where he lives now, but can do in the new town. My parents once got me to STFU about a move by promising me a ride in a taxi, but this was the deeply boring 1970s so excitement is all relative.....

And then close your ears to the whining. he probably wont like it, but tough, you are the adult.

Mumsyblouse · 03/09/2013 13:24

The term is nearly starting and it's best to just get on with it. This age group can have very bonded friends and also tend towards the over-dramatic, so you get the worst of it being the mum which is so hard as I bet you are doing this to better your existing life anyway. Just go, don't waste energy trying to persuade him, get on with it, listen to his upset, don't try to minimise it, make cards/postcards for his best friends with your new phone and address on it so they can keep in touch if they want.

It is hard, but he will adjust. I think it's pointless trying to convince him at this stage though.

Original poster
WhiteLlama · 03/09/2013 13:29

Thank you (all) for your helpful ideas and experience.

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 03/09/2013 13:30

PS closest analogy I have- aged 10 I wanted DS1 to change schools. When I told him he burst into tears because (a) there was a school uniform and he didnt want to wear one (b) it was a boys school so his best mate -female- coldnt come (they had been joined at the hip since 4); (c) he would not know anyone and they would all be hateful snobbish, etc etc. I only managed to get him to visit the school by pointing out that I couldnt force him to go there, as there was an entrance exam, and all he had to do was deliberately fail it.

As we arrived he saw one boy chase another across the school car park using a cheese baguette as a weapon. He then saw the science labs.

Immediately he as hooked and he spent 7 very happy years there. Although they pretend to be deeply committed to their friends at that age, the truth is, they are incredibly adaptable or even shallow and they quickly learn to love new people and places.

Retroformica · 03/09/2013 14:30

He will learn to love his new environment but it could take time. Can you help him develop new friendships?

Viking1 · 03/09/2013 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverApples · 03/09/2013 14:54

He has no choice, so you have the upper hand. If there is no alternative, then you put the best positive spin on it you can, be prepared for him to be a PITA for a term or so, hopefully less.
As others have said, what are the positives? What can you wave at him as an incentive?
Failing all that, don't blame yourself and don't feel guilty. You are doing the best you can with what you have available. That's life.
Be patient!

Beastofburden · 03/09/2013 15:50

puppy is good. very good.

Mwahahahahah

(assuming usual disclaimers about puppies being for life etc etc)

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