To be seriously considering having a third child if I find having two tough...

[flowersinavase]

For various reasons I found both pregnancies difficult emotionally (easy physically) and struggled after both with what I think was mild PND. Neither sleep well, DH is normally away Monday-Thursday and works a lot of the weekend and I put a lot of pressure on myself so I'm often exhausted and drained, although there are days when I love it.

We're now thinking of a third and DH is worried that I'm just setting myself up to more years of unhappiness. However I'm from a large family and like the idea of more than two, plus I didn't relish either previous pregnancy for various reasons and would like to have the chance to actually enjoy being pregnant. DH would like to have a third but is aware of how the main part of the burden (pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding etc) falls on me.

So AIBU (and potentially stupid/masochistic) to consider it, or is the short term pain worth what I think will be the long-term gain? And how on earth do I decide??

I'm like this! Have found having two really tough, but feel strangely broody for a third child! I really need the logical part of my brain to kick in...

Suppose, thinking logically, I do want to be a good mum to the children I've got, and I may not be with the pressure of a third child

Thanks for the replies.

I really want to head back to work at some point, so we want to have a third sooner rather than later if we do: I'll be having a total career change so don't want to do that for a few years and then stop to have another baby. So it feels like we need to decide fairly soon...

Everyone I have spoken to that found 1-2 hard breezed number 3. I found 2 fine and number 3 a nightmare. I think those are the rulez!

I know anecdotes don't equal evidence but just wanted to try and help.

Mine are 5, 3 and 1. That might be my problem!

thankfully my number 3 was a dead easy child, who slept through the night directly we came home from hospital. but it is more work. i remember doing everything very quickly.

sorry pressed button too quickly. are neither kids sleeping now? if you are in sole charge of 2 children already who don't sleep and potentially having a 3rd you are going to be very tierd - suggest thinking about how you might resolve this, eg childcare/relative a few days a week so you can get rest? can you get a cleaner as you won't get time to do housework if you are in sole charge?

i think you need to consider some of the practicalities and see if you can find ways round things.

I could have written your post OP.

My first pregnancy was a mixture of extreme sickness, illness and panic so I didnt enjoy it. My DD was early so I didn't get a due date and I has terrible PND.

My second pregnancy was a disaster from start to finish with loads of problems and a premature baby who spent 3 weeks on a life support machine. I was seriously messed up and had terrible PND.

I was desperate for a third baby so I could 'do it properly' and 'have all the things I missed out on'. I really wanted 'closure' after the second DD's birth and felt strongly that a third child would be my chance to really enjoy pregnancy and babyhood.

I then had three misacarriages in a row and started to think I'd mucked the whole thing up!

My third (surviving) pregnancy was a disaster with a problem diagnosed at 6 weeks and hundreds of scans and hospital appointments. However, I loved it. I really relished every moment and spent hours rubbing my bump and being excited.

My third birth was amazing - a lovely water birth in a birthing centre and home again in a couple of hours.

I have LOVED LOVED LOVED everything this time round and have been PND free which is amazing. I can actually breathe this time round and I'm really enjoying it. It's bloody hard work with three but, for me, it's really given me closure and made our whole family hugely happy.

I fully appreciate that this is just my personal experience and could so easily have gone the other way.

I'm so lucky to have got the closure I so desperately needed but if things had gone wrong, or the PND had returned, it couldve finished me off!

I find the easiest way to know if you should have another baby is to sit everyone round the tea table. Then look around the table; in your heart is there anyone missing? If you have a deep gut feeling that someone is missing, have another. If not, there's your answer!

Best of luck whatever you decide,

(my kids are 6, 3, 4 months)

Why do you think a third pregnancy would be easy when the first 2 weren't?
How old are you ?

I wouldn't bother if your Dh is away mon - thurs and works weekends you won't get any help

I haven't found going from two to three much more difficult tbh

I found going from 3-4 the most difficult, but that is probably because there is a much smaller age gap.

My pg have all been awful though and I've developed new complications in each one

I wouldn't personally for myself. I would be thinking 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me....' But that's just me. You might be more optimistic.

Can you afford a third child? and possibly some help around the house?

Personally, I'd say don't do it. But people seem unable to help the number of children they want, it seems to be a biological urge. A friend of mine has four, and is forever moaning about how haaard her life is, how she's unable to go on holiday, has no social life etc. But she still wants a fifth.

if you want three children then the pregnancy/babyhood stage is a really small part of what having third children will encompass. so if you really want it, then maybe its worth getting through the yucky first few years.

if you are returning to work what childcare are you going to use? With 3 we had to have a nanny as it was cheaper than using a childminder or a nursery. after school care was difficult to arrange as no childminder had space for 3 kids (apart from one who turned out to be a real cow)

But I wouldn't change having 3 for anything.

So many responses and opinions thank you.

My current children and just 3 and 6m. It's definitely getting easier and better as time goes on. Pregnancy/newborn #2 was particularly hard because we were/are abroad with only new friends (great but still new) and no family. #3 would be born back in the UK so with family and closer friends nearby.

I think the practicalities are a big thing. As is seeing a physician about the possible PND. We can afford help if need be. Because of a faulty diagnosis before #1 and my illness before #2, getting pregnant has always seemed to be something to be proud of (ridiculous I know) so I need to be sure I don't want #3 just to 'prove' I can.

We can't get pregnant for the next three months anyway, since then I'd be too pregnant/have a tiny baby when we're moving back to the UK so I have time to think.