aibu to be furious with mil?

[picniclady]

Last night pil came for dinner, they don't live locally so hadn't seen them for a couple of months. During the meal, mil did the following:

1 asked why we called 2yo ds his name, why we abbreviated it and said she doesn't like it, it's old fashioned and we should use a different abbreviation. She's refused to use the abbreviated name we've called ds from birth so we were aware she doesn't like it but this was the first time she'd insisted we change it. I argued back but as she thinks she's always right and I'm charge she took no notice. She told us we must'nt use the abbreviated name at school etc (we love the abbreviated name, I told her we only used the full name on the birth certificate and to give dc options when older)

2 told us we should get married in the next four weeks, before we have dc2 and told us we should have a small wedding with family only, when I objected she took no notice

3 told us once we were married we should change dc surname from double barreled (mine and dps) to his only. When I said I'd keep mine, she said we should still change dcs to my dp surname by deed poll.

According to dp, fil told mil on the way home that she'd been rude but only in saying she doesn't like dc name, not the rest of it. Though I try to answer her back, she takes no notice and fil and my dp stay quiet! Dp has assured me he will step in next time...hmmm

Apparently mil is going to phone me today to apologise for being rude over the name, Aibu to tell her to not interfere again, our lives, our dc, our choices? Aibu to be angry or am I being over sensitive? She has form for this type of thing and I want it to stop.

Thanks all. We'll sadly mil never bothered to phone and apologise :-( dp phoned her to make clear the name is not up for discussion etc, but apparently she was still arguing that she doesn't like our abbreviation.

I'm even more pissed off and fed up with her now, I said to dp that I don't want to spend Xmas day with her as I'm worried she'll ruin our day but dp reckons I'm lowering myself to her level.

Well not we'll...

You're not lowering yourself to her level, you're deciding that you don't want to spend Christmas with someone who is rude to your face about your son's name and your marriage status. It's not stooping to her level, it's not playing nice with someone who's been a cow just so they don't get their feelings hurt about the fact they hurt your feelings.

Tell him again, he's welcome to go, but you aren't going to spend time with someone who doesn't care that they have hurt your feelings and don't seem to think being nice to you is important.

Actually, next time she does a "I don't like" i'd but in with "oh wait, are you about to give me your opinion on something in my life that isn't any of your business but you seem to think your opinion should matter more than mine? Why not take a moment and think 'is what i'm about to say rude and offence to my daughter-in-law?' - then we'll start again. Ideally with you not being rude to me." (delivered with a smile that doesn't reach your eyes)

I wouldn't spend Christmas with her, have your own day and visit them after, why spoil your little families day, she would probably make you regret going with the name thing popping up after a belly full of wine

In your first post you say - ' I want this to stop.'

My advice would be: if you do want this to stop, once and for all, then yes- refuse to have a family Christmas with her.

I would not want to spend MY family Christmas with someone who had no respect for my family and my choices, and who upset and angered me.

Put your foot down, repeat the above when they kick off, and let MIL ponder over their turkey for two exactly what the consequences of her rudeness are - you and YOUR FAMILY not wanting to spend special times with them.

Get your message across.

Talkative I think you will find, although I agree with your advice to a degree that people like this - NEVER listen! They never ever listen, and they might have xmas dinner for two but they will totally blame op, and not their own actions. They, she - MIL will feel even more bitterness to op. Thats partly the reason why these people are like this, they do not think they are in the wrong nor do they question their actions.

Have a list of things you want her to change about her life ready just so she can see how ridiculous she is being.

. 'Mil, I don't like the car you drive, please change it as I prefer red ones. Your dog's name is wrong and I would be happier if you had a cat. Why don't you start using your middle name it sounds better when I'm discussing you with my friends'.

I'd have to say something (at the time) like "Hmm, yes MIL. I'm struggling with this myself.. and pause à bit.

I'm struggling to see what on earth any of this is to do with you?

Thanks for your suggestions, but they are unwelcome and will not be discussed again.

More peas/tea/help with your coat?"

Oh and forget going to hers for christmas!

Agree with Toxic, there's absolutely no point in trying to get this woman to understand how bloody rude she's being because she's right, she's always right, she'll always be right and she knows best.

If you don't want to spend Christmas with them OP then you shouldn't. You are your DH's family now and if you don't want to have your Christmas spoilt by this nasty woman he should be backing you.

I wouldn't confront her over anything. Don't let her see that her remarks rile you, just smile sweetly and then ignore what she says; that will really annoy her, because she'd probably love to have a row with you so she can point out that she was only telling you these things for the best and then she can tell everyone how unreasonable you are.

Stooping to her level would be being rude to her face, not refusing to spend time with her.

Don't worry about her rudeness though, what can she do? She can't change your sons name or frogmarch you to the registry office. Just reply with 'no we won't be doing that' over and over. You and your DP make the final decisions so it doesn't matter if she doesn't listen.

Ignore her, outlive her, and teach your children to call her "batty granny" if she refuses to use the name you use for them.

I'd reply with the words 'This is not up for discussion. We will do what we want, when we want and how we want, just like you have done with your lives' and repeat every time until she gets the message and btw do you honestly think everyone thought your name choices were the dogs bollocks? No, your friends and relations had manners

I think your DP needs to grow a pair here, why is he enabling this behaviour?

You still haven't told us how he reacted initially when your MIL made the original comments? How did he just let her say these things and not comment? I have a vision of the conversation:

MIL: 'I don't like the name you call my grandson'.
DP: 'Please pass the salt'
MIL: 'You two should get married'.
DP: 'Shall I pour the wine'
MIL: 'When you get married you should use only use our surname'
DP: 'What's for pudding?'

Seriously, what does your DP say when his mother is making these comments, he is allowing YOU to be seen as the bad guy and you are blaming his mother - he should be supporting you, and maybe your anger should be directed at him, not MIL. I would hate my DH to be so unsupportive.

"I don't like my GS's name"-"YOUR SON & I chose it together"

"You should get married"- "YOUR SON & I will decide if/when"

Or-"why do you moan to me-it is as much your son's decision"

Or-"talk to your son because I'm not fucking interested "

Christmas with her?-I don't think so!

Dear me, your DP thinks that by saying you feel your MIL will ruin Christmas Day you're "sinking to her level"? Is he insane? That's not sinking to her level, that's avoiding a crisis!

Please don't have them to your house on Christmas Day. Arrange to go to theirs instead if you have to see them, then you can walk out whenever she starts being rude (it's the only way).

Also, don't engage when she starts with her nonsensical proclamations. She isn't going to get her way, but neither is she going to change her opinions - so let her voice them if she has to but ignore them completely. Tune her out!

Oh and YANBU.

Your post has made me soo angry! How dare she! Maybe the next time she makes suggestions like DC name, you should say something like 'so your mil named your child, decided when you should wed etc?' I think she should get her nose out of your business, what a rude lady. Could you also throw in the old MN favourite 'did you mean to be so rude?!'.

Urgh how annoying. I'm with the smile, ignore, change subject suggestions - she can sit there and issue orders until the cows come home, she can't force you to do any of it. And meeting those orders with an amused smile and a change of subject may make her realise how silly she's being. Engaging and arguing suggests you think she has some power to make you do it!

Get married in four weeks. Change his name. Run round the garden backwards. Stand on your head. More tea mum....?