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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband has been spying on me?

32 replies

midori1999 · 01/09/2013 18:27

We had a row today and I went out. He text to ask where I was and I said in the car. He then said 'if you're anywhere near xxx can you please collect xxx'. I was near there as it happens.

I've just checked my emails and I've got one saying my iPhone has been found at xxx. (Where I was today) I haven't put an app like this on my phone, although it did used to be DH's phone. However, it's now linked to all my details/my iTunes account etc but I don't know much about phones etc so DH set it all up for me.

I've asked DH what the email is about and he's denying all knowledge.

AIBU to think he's put an app on my phone to spy on me and to wonder if he's got a guilty conscience for doing so?! I'm 34 weeks pregnant FFS. What exactly does he think I'm doing?! Confused

OP posts:
PoppyWearer · 01/09/2013 18:35

I don't think it's an app as such, it's a setting called "Find my iPhone".

I've used it once when DH was doing a race of some kind and I used it to track where he was. IIRC I did it from his iCloud account.

It sounds like your DH may have used "Find my iPhone" to find out where you were, yes. Maybe he was worried about you?

Original poster
midori1999 · 01/09/2013 18:38

Thanks for explaining, I don't understand how it all works.

However, if it was innocent, why is he lying about it now? He's claiming not to even know my iTunes password, which must be a lie as he set the phone up for me. Sad

OP posts:
squoosh · 01/09/2013 18:39

Hmmm, yes it does look as though he was having a snoop as to your location. Brave new scary world with all this technology. It's meant to make life easier but just seems to bring out people's inner stalker.

So not as bad as hacking into your emails but definitely too Big Brotherish for comfort.

flipchart · 01/09/2013 18:43

Change your password and see what happens next.

McNewPants2013 · 01/09/2013 18:45

If it was innocent then why didn't he tell you.

Original poster
midori1999 · 01/09/2013 18:46

I don't even know how to change my password.

I've just asked a friend and she's not sure you need the password anyway and thinks you can just use the phone number, but who on earth else would care where I was?!

He's still denying it and saying he doesn't know my password.

OP posts:
contortionist · 01/09/2013 19:07

DW and I use 'find my iPhone' to check where the other one is from time to time. Nothing sinister in that I don't think, but doing it without prior discussion and then lying about it is obviously a bit creepy.

He would need your password for this. Assuming you have your own apple id, change the password here: support.apple.com/kb/HT5624?viewlocale=en_US

If you share an apple id with DH, you can set yourself up a new one (same website).

chocolateapple · 01/09/2013 19:30

Possible it could be 'Find Friends'?
But then he'd have had to approve a request from himself on your phone for him to find you.

chocolateapple · 01/09/2013 19:31

Oh wait, no. Your iPhone was 'found'. My bad.
I wouldn't be too worried anyway.

Isetan · 01/09/2013 19:34

Learn from this experience and learn how to set up and maintain your phone yourself, it isn't hard. If you really have no clue, call Apple or go visit one of their so called geniuses in-store. It appears that he has activated the 'find my phone' service (there is an app also but the service was probably enabled when the phone was set up), he either forgot or couldn't access your e-mail to cover up his snooping and now has lied about it. I would be very upset if my partner did this to me and I would be having a very frank discussion about his invasion of your privacy and his lying.

NeedaWee · 01/09/2013 19:47

Sometimes my app backs itself up every so often and logs my location automatically. Quite normal

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2013 19:55

Don''t know if iphone's work like this, but can you see what date the app was downloaded? Maybe in a download folder somewhere on the phone or on either of your apple accounts?

littlewhitebag · 01/09/2013 20:00

I am always looking to see where DH on the "find friends" app. Not stalking, just interested, especially when he is on his way home and i want to get tea on.

TheWomanWhoMistookHerHusbandFo · 01/09/2013 20:02

It is an app and anyone can download it and log on to any iTunes account from there phone to look at where any other phone is. So yes your husband has been spying.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2013 20:05

Presumably that's something you've both agreed on/consented to littlewhite?

I'm not fussed about having a poke about on DH's phone/comp, I don't as a rule, but I've got no qualms against doing it, it's within my interests.

But covertly installing an app that's on the same level as spyware (even if it's marketed as something else) (and if that's what the DH has done, although there are a ton of other ways this could have happened legitimately) is pretty creepy.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2013 20:06

It used to be the DH's phone TheWoman, I can't remember every app I've downloaded over however long.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/09/2013 20:15

I am fairly sure that "find my Iphone" is part of the icloud and doesn't need to be downloaded to a phone as its part of the OS.

Original poster
midori1999 · 01/09/2013 20:17

He's now admitted it. Apparently it's my fault. It always is....

I'm not sure why he felt the need to do it and can't help wonder if he's got a guilty conscience tbh. He is often away with work etc so obviously I have to tryst him but I wonder why he feels the need to know where I am at all times.

Sadly, he's also recently kept from me that he sold an air rifle and used the money to buy another. We'd discussed him buying a different one, but I felt that as he'd only shot the bloody thing once in two years, if he was going to sell it we could really do with keeping the money. Obviously it's his to sell, but I feel he deliberately kept it from me.

So this isn't the only thing he's lied to me about and if he's prepared to lie when it's so obvious he's lying, it makes me wonder what else he's lying about.

OP posts:
TheWomanWhoMistookHerHusbandFo · 01/09/2013 20:17

Confused eh? I was answering op Agent

SolidGoldBrass · 01/09/2013 20:22

He sounds dodgy as fuck. Any other red flags you can think of?

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2013 20:23

Sorry, I wasn't having a pop TheWoman Smile it just looked like you were categorically saying the DH was spying on her and I thought he could have downloaded it when it was his phone.

But the OP's said he overstepped the control mark, so you were right.

That's fucking bad midori, very creepy and sinister IMO.

TheWomanWhoMistookHerHusbandFo · 01/09/2013 20:41

Because I was, I knew he was! :)

Sorry op, not good at all. You need to change your iTunes password and have a serious talk about boundaries.

kali110 · 01/09/2013 21:19

He could have downloaded it when it was his phone, but he had to have logged in the comp to see where the 'lost phone' was. Its not usually an app preset on an iphone but one you download yourself.
I hate findfriends bloody app, my mate put it on my phone and if I'm running late says hmm well you did leave the house late.

themaltesefalcon · 01/09/2013 21:34

I'd be angry. Not for the checking up (which could be excusable- you're very pregnant, you'd rowed and maybe he was worried), but for not admitting it. Plonker.

WafflyVersatile · 01/09/2013 21:41

Take it into an apple shop. Get them to go through it and remove stuff you don't want and change passwords.