Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To expect my DD's feelings to be respected...

43 replies

supermariosmum · 31/08/2013 19:47

First time poster so please be kind!!

My DD (9) has a best friend who she has known for 7 years.

All through school another girl has consistently bullied my DD (along with a few others) and tried to turn my DD's best friend against her. Recently she has started inviting my DD's best friend on great days out to adventure parks, skating, sleepovers etc and the best friend is going!!

AIBU to think that the mum of the best friend ( who is very aware of what this girl has done) should have a bit more sympathy for what has gone on in the past 5 years and to not allow her daughter to go with this bully??

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 31/08/2013 23:56

It's awful for your DD but yabu.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2013 00:14

I don't know how you've managed to keep it together without losing your patience OP, my DD has been through similar shit, although this girl sounds in a different league!

I bought this book for her when I saw it recommended on MN 'Bullies, Bigmouths and So-called Friends' and she found it did genuinely give her some techniques to deal with some parts of this.

It's not so much changing the girls behaviour or victim blaming by saying it's your DD's fault and she should change (which DD was a bit confused about, you tell them to be confident being themselves, but when they get shit you suggest different ways of changing their behaviour, like ignoring/being nice back, bit of a conflict), but it gives a different angle for them to look at it from. A way of seeing it in a wider context, which can bog them down when it's just 'their problem', shows they're not on their own and can take back a measure of power.

Not that it's in any way a solution, your poor DD, and you.

I don't mind letting DD see some of my outrage at the way other DC can behave, although it doesn't stop me saying where she was maybe in the wrong, I just want her to know I'm on her side regardless.

Sigma · 01/09/2013 00:20

I do see what you mean. I wouldn't want my DD to play with an abusive child, especially if she has been consistently mean to her friends for years. You have tried to get your daughter to befriend and include the bully and it didn't work so she should just stay well away from her and enjoy her other friendships. Unfortunately, you can't dictate who best friend socialises with but hopefully she will manage to stay friends with your DD as her as any new friends

Sigma · 01/09/2013 00:22

as well as any new friends

DeWe · 01/09/2013 00:28

Can't remember who said "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer".

Maybe the mothers think if they get to know each other and respect and like each other then your dd's best friend will be able to help her get to know and like your dd. I have seen this work because the bully knows that they have to stay nice to their old victim to keep the friendship of the mutual friend. Mutual friend needs a strong personality though.

DioneTheDiabolist · 01/09/2013 00:30

I doubt it Mario.

What I have realized is that I can do nothing about her or her parents. But, I can do what my DS needs me to do. That is:
be supportive;

protect him where I can;
give him "get outs" (stock responses) when she approaches him;
show him there's a life beyond her influence;
explain her behaviour as best I can so that he understands that the bullying is her problem, not his.

I know that this is hard Mario. You are trying to do your best by your DD whilst trying to suppress your own anger and frustration with another's demon spawn "D"D.

Original poster

supermariosmum · 01/09/2013 00:45

Agent zigzag thank you so much for the book recommendation will Definetely have a look at that. I am keen to try and approach this all from a new angle now as we have wasted 5 years on this girl and don't want to waste any more time worrying about what she might do.
Hope your DD is a lot happier now and coping with it all xx

Dione you have given me so much to think about and so many positive ways to deal with this with my DD.

I do find it hard not to show how angry and upset I am to my DD because all I want to do is protect her but using your suggestions I feel I will be able to talk to my DD and explain things better to her. Thank you x

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2013 00:54

You'll be able to pass the recommendation on at some point - hopefully this'll be resolved by then not wasting any more time on her is a great way to think about it, that she's only hurting your DD because your DD hasn't found how to put up that shield to protect herself yet.

Not caring can take the sting out of a lot of bullying bollocks.

DD's getting on much better at secondary (12 YO now) thanks for asking still has problems, but they're 'normal' he said/she said ones rather than isolating/excluding. It's still a while off for you, but going into year 7 can make such a difference, I've seen other MNrs say they've found the same.

foreverondiet · 01/09/2013 01:04

I think that its hard on your DD but ultimately you can't control what your DD's friend does. Its controlling to think that you can. I would be trying to encourage your DD to have more friends round to widen her social group - and also to speak to the school again about the bullying.

My DD is same age, and has a best friend but I really try and encourage playdates with other girls as I don't think that reliance on one best friend is a good idea.

re: the bullying - if the class teacher can't help you have to go to the head. if s/he won't help then make a compliant to the governors. Keep on complaining until its properly dealt with. I would not put up with bullying - has happened to DD twice at primary school and was dealt with each time - basically the bully was called into the head's office and told that behaviour had been noticed that s/he was being watched and if DD reported one more incident would miss golden time / parents would be told etc etc etc.

DioneTheDiabolist · 01/09/2013 01:07

Agent, thank you for your wisdom and book recommendation. I will order it on Monday.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2013 02:50

Reluctantly gained experience, but thank you for saying that.

The list of what you do with your little lad looks so familiar, I wish it was a definitive list that'd guaranteed a solution.

Him saying he wouldn't play with her isn't cancelled out by him also saying he couldn't stand up to her, it takes time to find the combination of solutions unique to him/the bully.

The fact that he knows what it feels like to speak up for himself and knows the world won't collapse will give him the confidence to try it again. Just like falling off the wagon on a diet or whatever doesn't mean it's a lost cause, he's hopefully in the process of coming out the other side. Aww, and he's only 6 bless him. But he's got you, so he'll be fine.

missingmumxox · 01/09/2013 04:17

As a Mum of twins, I really have to say give the girl a break, children change, I was always bullied at school by everyone. I really was the end of the line kid, I have only once met a bully of mine in my 40's who is an arse still, and I am so super ego I made him about an inch tall after I had chatted for 5 minutes and all his friends moved away and joined me because I am sooo super :)
the twins reference, one of my twins is a bully part of a "gang" at age 8, I have flagged it to the school and they are aware and we are working together, I know because he gets home and is in pieces because one of the favourate targets who he joins in with is his twin, they really make his brother's life a misery apparently, the one who is bullied is obviously like I was as in it washes over him,( he doesn't like it but at home he can leave it behind) but if they come to close he lashes out, I was really like that, call me what you want but touch me and I will batter you back!
he is really empathetic (the one who is bullied about his twin) he says his DT is scared of being bullied instead, it is the bully twin who is sensitive and who I have had to get counciling as his self esteme is zero. like me he is dyslexic, like me he has found a coping mechanism humour but unlike me he is not prepare to be a victim, but it is really messing with his head at home, he and his twin are so close, he is divided constantly without the maturety to work it out.

you ay want to say to me what about the other bullies? well there has always been one name that loomed large, anolong with 3 other names, one of the names dropped of the radar a year ago, I asked my boys my they never talked about the "instert nameterrible Bully B any more" they said he is a nice boy now...this co-incided nicely with his little sisters cancer treatment finishing...
the boy that seems to hold one of my dt's in this power and is the greatest bully of the other, has gone through a divorce of his parents and remarrage of his mum, and new baby brothers.
my boys have been throught there fair share of disruption of life...what we can only hope is that all these children grow up and move on and they can only do it if as parent we allow them their moments, we will have had ours.

missingmumxox · 01/09/2013 04:21

good some of that made no sense but hay ho :) you get the gist?

WestieMamma · 01/09/2013 06:53

I think YABU, it's up to the other girl who she wants to spend time. Wanting this girl's mum to block it is hardly respecting this child's feelings while at the same time wanting your child's feelings respected.

Spottypurse · 01/09/2013 07:15

I agree with westie.

So, this random child can't be friends with whoever she likes because her friend doesn't like your DD? That's how I read it. And that is daft.

You can't control who other children are friends with. And what friendships other children make.

The girl may be growing up and she may be changing. She may not. She may be the worst bully ever on the face of the planet. But that's not relevant.

You want your DD's feelings respected by controlling who can be friends with who. I've had a child and her mother try to do this to DD in the last year of primary school. I went to the school about it in the end and they called that a form of bullying. And took it very seriously.

cantreachmytoes · 01/09/2013 07:19

Missing - I think I understood that, but just because a bully has a reason to bully (control over someone when they don't have control over things at home) doesn't mean other children need to suffer. It's a sign they need additional help.

OP I can understand why you feel like you do. Five years is too long! The school needs to take or more seriously. I saw this bullying video the other day. It might be too old for your daughter, but here it is so you can decide <a class="break-all" href="http://m.comedycentral.com/videos/video.rbml?id=kisry6&weburl=www.comedycentral.com/video-clips/kisry6/key-and-peele-school-bully/&alt=m.comedycentral.com/videos/index.rbml&cid=300" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">anti bullying video

coco27 · 01/09/2013 09:37

YABU , but I think you know that!

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/09/2013 21:47

Missingmum, it sounds as though you are in a very difficult situation.. What are you doing about your DTs?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread