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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To not want to see the in laws all the time

12 replies

mummyaimz · 31/08/2013 19:17

Sometimes I just don't want to see the other halfs parents every weekend. His mum drinks too much. His dad pays attention to our little one (he's great with her) but she just makes me not want to see them. I barely get to see my parents and soon I won't be able to even less as they are relocating down south. It's just when Saturday morning rolls around, I just really don't want to go.

OP posts:

redexpat · 31/08/2013 19:34

Hmm. Is this because you don't like them, or is it because it feels unfair that your parents are moving?

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo · 31/08/2013 19:40

You see them every weekend?

Bloody hell, really? I couldn't tie myself down like that.

Shellywelly1973 · 31/08/2013 19:42

Every weekend is a bit much. Yanbu.

CaptainSweatPants · 31/08/2013 19:42

yanbu

every weekend is too much

CaptainSweatPants · 31/08/2013 19:46

can't he go on his own with the kids??

LickleLemon · 31/08/2013 19:50

Its probably the arrangement more than them by the sounds of it.

I would hate to be tied to X time on X day every single week to see people. It becomes a duty and chore eventually.

The problem will be stopping it - someone will get offended.

Have been through this with my ILs over the years and I am now sure they try their best to sneak in a regular arrangement/time for as much as possible - whether it be a phonecall or visit. We saw them 2 Sunday afternoons on the trot. On the 3rd Sunday we went out with friends - had never made any arrangements to see the ILs. Got home from a lovely day out with friends to a snotty message on out answerphone saying they assumed we would be around to see them as we USUALLY do!!!!!!

Sigh!!!!

Standautocorrected · 31/08/2013 19:53

How long has this been going on for? If a long time it will be harder to stop.
Do you have to go every time?

2rebecca · 31/08/2013 19:55

I wouldn't want to visit anyone every weekend and never understand why anyone starts this pattern. Tell your partner you don't want to go every weekend any more and want to do more stuff together. If he's keen to go stop going with him.

Kundry · 31/08/2013 19:59

Every weekend!!!!

Frankly I'd go nuts if I had to see my own mum every weekend. And I really really like my mum. (It's not fair to compare with my ILs as I hate them and would happily never see them again ever )

You need some space to create your own family, allow for holidays, unexpected events, kids going to birthday parties, family outings and times when you just want to slob about.

Mintyy · 31/08/2013 20:02

Its funny, in some families it is apparently normal for grown up children to see their parents every day. I just cannot imagine that (caring duties aside, obvs) and we see our parents/the gps about every 8 weeks.

But if you want to change the status quo be prepared for hurt and upset along the way.

2rebecca · 01/09/2013 17:58

I suspect whether or not you've gone away to college plays a big part. I left home at 18 for college just returning during the holidays and so then when I was several years older seeing my parents every weekend would have seemed alot, plus i moved away. If you go straight from living at home to living with a partner just round the corner you maybe don't flee the nest in quite the same way.

LouiseAderyn · 01/09/2013 19:19

I used to be trapped by weekend visits to/from ILs and I really hated that feeling of being obliged to follow a routine that someone else was imposing. It's very easy to get sucked into it and once people expect it, they get pissed off if you ever want to do anything else and you find yourself having to explain and justify the very reasonable desire to do your own thing, as an adult, living in your own home.

I broke out of it by telling dh that I felt we were not getting enough time to ourselves and that I would like him to arrange for the ILs to come over on a weekday instead. It's still 'routine' but I have my weekends back.

I see a lot of my own family, but it feels different because if I'm home I'm home and if I'm not, no one feels hurt or offended by that - I have no obligation to be home on X day at X time. It's the obligation which feels suffocating.

I can't say the IL's took it especially well - they are rather used to doing what they want. But over the years I have come to the conclusion that if only one person gets to have what they want, then it might as well be me .

What your IL's want, isn't more important that what you want, so bite the bullet and change things now, before you end up with decades of this!

Flip