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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not been invited, it's ok but would you be upset?

14 replies

Yesitisme · 30/08/2013 23:09

Someone i know is having a baby shower thrown for them, the husband of one of the women going let it slip when he was round earlier. He started to say it was happening then choked on his words and desperately tried to cover up.

It's ok really, but the background is...

DH has lots of female friends who, when I was pregnant at the same time as a couple of others in the group, threw a joint baby shower for us a few years ago. It was really kind of them to include me and I still see them on occasion and family/friends get togethers though I am not hugely close to them.

Now another one of 'the girls' is pregnant and there's going to be a baby shower but evidently I am not invited. That bit doesn't really bother me but the fact that it's obviously something that the husband of one of them was attempting to keep from me makes me think they made a conscious decision not to invite me and didn't want me to know which kind of makes me sad.

I'll get over it but I think I would feel better of they were open about it happening.

How would you feel and is it ok that, even though I don't really want to go, for me to feel a bit miffed?

OP posts:

KirjavaTheCat · 30/08/2013 23:14

Yanbu to feel a bit miffed. It indicates there's been an actual discussion about not inviting you, for whatever reason, at some point. Nobody likes the idea of people talking about them behind their backs, deciding to keep things from them. It is unpleasant.

The husband should have been more careful to not let you know, it was very impolite of him.

mynewpassion · 30/08/2013 23:15

You admit that you aren't close. Maybe whoever is organizing it is inviting only close friends and family or she will look grabby.

Ididabravebravething · 30/08/2013 23:17

Sounds a bit crap. Hugs.

mynewpassion · 30/08/2013 23:18

Lets be fair. Discussion about invitees will be a given. Close friends and family only or expand to include acquaintances too.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 30/08/2013 23:20

That could be the case newpassion but there's no need to make a state secret of it and make people feel the way the OP does.

It's natural to feel upset if you aren't invitied, especially when they are all being secretive about it happening. It's not nice and it indicates tha it's actually not about only inviting close family and close friends or this DH probably wouldn't even know if you were invited or not.

Original poster

Yesitisme · 30/08/2013 23:45

Kirjava sums it up really. It's the knowledge that there's been some discussion about me in particular. They are very close knit and it will only be these very close friends and to be fair I am a bit of an interloper. Even though I have been on the scene for more than five years I've never really been able to fit in with them which is ok too because I do have my own closer friends.

It's not a grabby affair, the joint one was just food and some games - not really presents (though I did buy something for the other women having babies).

Not to drip feed but there has been a couple of uncomfortable situations where I know I was being talked about and I worry that they think I am bad for my husband - though I am confident enough to know I am bloody good for him.

I don't like feeling misrepresented so I guess it just hurts a bit that they possibly have a view of me that I know is not right.

Oh well... Smile and wave, smile and wave.

OP posts:

theboutiquemummy · 30/08/2013 23:50

What do you mean not good for your husband ?

Original poster

Yesitisme · 31/08/2013 00:02

We went through a period where we were both unhappy. DH threatened to move out, made quite a lot of noise about it and told a lot of people while I kept quiet (mostly). We are much happier now but I do feel like DH's side of things got more of an airing.

I think I am probably just being anxious about not being fully accepted but I am quite unsociable so should accept some blame for not becoming part of their gang.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 31/08/2013 00:08

You're quite unsociable and a bit of an interloper.

Can you reasonably expect to be invited to social occasions?

I'm not sure you can really be fully accepted in a social group, if that's the case.

Original poster

Yesitisme · 31/08/2013 00:14

Fair enough. I suppose by unsociable I mean I find social situations difficult sometimes and by interloper I mean I am 'new' on the scene and they have all known eachother for 20 years.

I didn't expect an invite really.

OP posts:

SeaSickSal · 31/08/2013 00:35

Worra I don't think she wanted to be invited particularly. I don't think she would have been that bothered about not being invited if it came up in normal conversation.

It's the fact that they have obviously discussed it and said that it needs to be kept a secret from the OP because they don't want her there that is hurtful. If it was just because it was close friends or family there would have been no need to keep it a secret.

YANBU OP. That is hurtful and nasty. There was no need for them to do that. What does your husband think? I think he should ditch them if they treat you like that.

I say this as someone who has a husband with a lot of close female friends, one of whom is godmother to our son.

Original poster

Yesitisme · 31/08/2013 00:49

Oh no, I don't think it's malicious. I hope not. Or maybe it is. I've always felt a bit like a spare part but am sure if it was a thing for couples I would be invited.

I am just put out by it being a secret. I think I am just touchy about them not feeling comfortable with me.

OP posts:

catinabox · 31/08/2013 00:52

Sorry OP but these people don't sound very respectful or decent. I think your feelings towards them, if you are really honest, are more about you not really liking them very much. And I don't blame you. Why internalise it and make it about their attitude towards you?

I am always very very wary of people who openly speculate and judge other people marriages. Relationships maybe but marriage is a very different thing. It is a private closed book, between two people. Two people who have their own issues and things to work through. Every marriage is different. If people don't know that then they are a bit lacking.

Yes, smile and wave. Then forget. Your marriage is private and they are incredibly disrespectful and ignorant. If you can, forget worrying about what they think. Their thoughts have no place in your marriage.

Sod the baby shower. Focus on people you like.

EBearhug · 31/08/2013 00:54

I'd be bothered by the secrecy side of it, too. It makes a bigger deal out of something that actually probably isn't that big a deal, and something that wouldn't have been an issue if it had been in the open.

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