To be at the end of my rope with the little shit that is my gorgeous DS2?

[GoingFeckingInsane]

Yes I love him, would die for him and all that but he IS a little shit and No, he is not aware that I have called him that.

He is 11 and delights in making my just 3 year old DS3 scream (I have a DD and DS1 as well) thumps him, pushes him and generally likes to irritate him. I caught him deliberately tripping DS3 up when he had just mastered walking at 16 months so he banged his head on the floor. DS2 actually laughed until he saw that I had seen him do it but I could not get there in time. He is the same to his older brother but to a lesser extent as DS1 will not longer tolerate it so he's turned his attention to DS3 to exert some power over him I feel.

He has to tell DS3 that he's not getting ice cream, biscuits, sweets, etc. Has to show him what he has so DS3 wants it. Has to draw his attention deliberately to toys/books/sweets in shops/anywhere we got out and says 'does DS3 want this, DS3, tell mum you want this' thus making DS3 scream the place down when I say No. DS3 is fine when we go out alone but tantrums and screaming always ensue when DS2 is with us. He deliberately makes him wait to go on the toilet (he's just successfully completed toilet training but CANNOT wait), telling him to say 'please' before he let's him go in (I have caught him at this a few times). When we are out, he has to run on ahead and call DS3 to follow him. At home, he will 'chase' DS and pretend to be a monster so cue DS3 hysterically screaming. The poor kid has now learnt to scream as soon as DS2 comes near him. They do play nicely sometimes but it generally ends in DS3 crying or screaming.

We have had problems with DS2 at school from reception as well and the fighting with DS1 at home but when I got pregnant with DS3 when DS2 was nearly 8, I had no idea he would behave like this to him or that he would be so jealous and horrible to him. If could go back, I would never have had another child (as much as I adore DS3) just because of DS2's behaviour. The stress caused by the constant piercing screaming and then the shouting (by me) and the arguing back (from DS2) is just intolerable. When DS2 is at school DS3 is lovely and quiet but as soon as DS2 is home, he gets hyped up and I can't stand it!! This school holidays have ground me down very badly.

I don't want to make DS2 a scapegoat,keep sending him to his room to separate them or for him to grow up constantly being blamed but it IS him. I actually have got to the point that I can't stand the kid at this moment in time. Horrible but true. I would love to have the money for a boarding school so I could get rid of him until he's grown up.

What a horrid mother I am huh?

What do you do about it when he does these things?

Have you asked him why he's doing it? Does he realise how cruel he's being or does he think it's funny?

11 is old enough to understand bullying. He needs more consequences - no TV / screen time for a week. What is your DH doing and what does he think?

What a stressful family time - I'm sure better experts will be along soon to give you better guidance.

he is 11, he knows exactly what he is doing sadly.

I would come down like a ton of bricks.

keep ds3 with you, all the time (yes, I do know how hard it can be; I have to do similar with my dc3).

make sure ds2 has activities he enjoys, which are for him alone. recruit ds1 and dd (depending on age) to play with ds3 for set periods of time, to ensure you have time alone with ds2.

make sure ds3 has a safe place (maybe a playpen, maybe a playroom - depends on your setup) where he can be, relatively free-range, while you spend some time with ds2, eg doing tea/lunch etc (I pick these, as they are things that have to be done, and which ds3 may well have to be out of the way for).

if your ds2 and ds3 cannot be in the same place without it descending into chaos, then make sure they are not in the same place

Your OP is all about what he does and nothing about how you deal with it.

I have three DDs (now 12, 15 and 18) and dd2 has always been difficult and went through a stage of borderline bullying dd3 (and will still give her a hard time if allowed to)- I am deliberately ignoring a screaming match going on between them right now upstairs.

When I used to ask her why she behaved the way she did, she would say that dd3 was the princess who could do no wrong etc etc.

The best strategy I came up with (and it wasn't perfect by any means) was to sometimes accept dd2's version of events- even though I knew she was in the wrong.
Eg- one I remember from a few years ago when we were staying with grandparents and they were sharing a room(God help me)

DD3 had gone up to her room and was listening to music on the Ipod on the docking station. DD2 went up and wanted to read a book (in the quiet) so she TELLS dd3 to turn the music off. Cue "I was here first from DD3"
"Well put the headphones on then" Agressively, no pleases or wnything

Cue all out screaming match...so I intervened. DD2 was in the wrong in the way she asked, but it was not an unreasonable request in itself, so I told dd3 to put headphones on- so dd2 "won"

My point is, if your ds2 feels that you always side with DS3 no matter what he does, he can't win IYSWIM?

Also (an d I'm sure you do anyway) make sure ds2 gets some time with just you. My dd2 always responded positively to that (still does)

I have had 'talks' with him over and over again about the fact that DS3 is still a baby and does not understand as much as he does, he can't be rough with him, he should be setting an example etc. He is very jealous of DS3 (but then again has always been jealous of DS1 as well) and I have explained that everything that DS3 has, he had at his age etc. Of course I tend to buy more stuff for DS3 as he is growing quicker and going through different development stages. He was even jealous when DS3 got a potty ffs! 'What do I get' says DS2 .

I usually tell DS2 to back off when the screaming starts and usually end up sending him to his room to separate them until 'he can behave like a grown up boy and not a toddler'. He actually argues with DS3 and does not 'get' that DS3 is not his peer! I also stop TV, IPad use etc but he never seems to 'get' that I am expecting him to continue to behave.

We have had him assessed for ASD but have got nowhere at the moment and that has been going on for over 2 years. I try hard not to get cross with him as I kind of feel it's my fault for adding DS3 into the mix, but it is very hard as DS2 is VERY immature in a lot of ways. I have just now sent him for shower and straight to bed due to him divebombing and hurting DS1 while DS1 was sat quietly reading .

Gosh sounds very complicated. Ill drop questions here for colour. I get you are trying. I get ds2 is loved. I see your a normal mummy. Just saying that as I don't want u to feel I don't....

Reward charts? Family rules? Have you Super nannyd? Like family chats? Family meals? Love bombing?

Do you really think he is possibly sn or clutching at straws? Is he 'middle child' syndrome? Acting up to gain a place at the family so to speak? I see he's asserting (ahem) himself. Does he talk to you? Do you get 1:1 time? How's everyone else feel or does it only happen with you?

Sorry tons of questions. I am interested and am hoping to help.

Everyone else has given good suggestions. I just wanted to say please don't call your DS a little shit again. I know you wouldn't say it to his face but it saddens me so much that someone would think that about a young child. Try to think of all the things you love about him. You clearly do love him.

Gosh he does sound a bit er... challenging. I am not a parent but I am a teacher and I know that bullying like this is really stamped on in school - you need to be much harder on him I think. I am guessing that he is doing what he thinks he can get away with.

No experience (my 2 are much younger) but I found this article on "love bombing very interesting, and helpful when my DS was acting up a bit.