Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that how long a mother breastfeeds her child is solely down to her and her child?

28 replies

froken · 30/08/2013 17:43

I have a friend who has a baby a simalar age to my ds (8/9 months) she is lovely not relevant and we spend days going to playgroups and parks and just enjoying being on maternity leave.

Today we were both feeding our dc and she said "does your dp get angry and tell you off when you breastfeed your ds?" I was fairly taken aback and said "no why would he?" She said her dp is angry that she is still feeding her ds, he blames any problems on her breastfeeding so their ds wakes every hour, he says it is because she breastfeeds, their ds doesn't like eating jars of food, he says it is because she breastfeeds. He askes her when he gets home if she has breastfed that day in a have you been naughty sort of way. The thing I thought was most unreasonable was he said she sould wake up in the night ever hour and get up and warm up a bottle so she doesn't breastfeed her dc.

I don't know what advice to give her, in my opinion it is very unreasonable of her dp, but I don't want to say ltb or "well my dp thinks it's lovely that I breastfeed ds, he thinks it's good for his health, free and handy" because that isn't exactly helpful to her situation. She is a lovely friend and I want to give her some unbiased constuctive advice.

AIBU to think that it is up to the mum and baby/child how long they breastfeed for?

OP posts:
SPBisResisting · 30/08/2013 17:44

send her this way :o

HamletsSister · 30/08/2013 17:47

Yes it is. But if anyone else has a say, then surely the child's father is that person. Not saying the Mum should change what she is doing but I do think she should allow him his opinion. It is his child too.

NoComet · 30/08/2013 17:47

YANBU, DD2 knew exactly how long she wanted to BF for and how to twist me round her little finger to ensure she got her way.

I can understand DP/DHs finding DCs who wake a lot at night tiring, but stopping BFing is not guaranteed to stop that.

Otherwise it's non of their business.

Mumsyblouse · 30/08/2013 17:56

This sounds like more of a relationship problem than a breastfeeding problem. He's massively unsupportive and really quite nasty, why should she get out of bed to bottle-feed on his say so. He's either threatened or just plain awful. I'd be surprised if he was a model husband in every other regard than this.

FetchezLaVache · 30/08/2013 17:57

Agree with Mumsyblouse. If it wasn't the BFing it'd be something else, I'll warrant.

Original poster
froken · 30/08/2013 17:58

Her dp sleeps through the wake ups, he said she should get up and make a bottle, i would understand if he was willing to do half the wake up himself but he expects my friend to do all the wake up and to get up and go make a bottle very time.

I am not sure if a man should get to decide what happens to his child whilst dc is in the care of the mother, we live in a country where fathers get at least 3 months paternity leave and I would think it unreasonable to phone dp whilst he was on leave and tell him he must give ds carrots for lunch or he must not give him pasta because I thought it was better.

Many breastfed babies do sleep well, I think if anything the night times are the times she "gives in" easilly so her dc has learnt to wake frequently because there is stress around daytime feeds.

OP posts:
LittleEsme · 30/08/2013 17:58

He sounds controlling. I bet if you scratchec a bit at the surfae, there'd be more issues here.

LittleEsme · 30/08/2013 17:58

Sorry - typo's

WithConfidence · 30/08/2013 17:59

I think it would be helpful to her to know what your dp thinks actually. She did ask. Maybe she thinks men are all a bit grumpy about it, to see that some dads not only don't mind (ffs) but actually see it as a good thing might help her to see how U her dp is.

Ds was a rubbish sleeper and eater at that stage and now much much better at 3. And still bf, that wasn't the problem.

My ex used to go on like that sometimes (also wanted me to get up in the night) and he became more and more abusive. Not saying this guy is too but that it shows a lack of respect for her judgement and hard work of parenting, not a good sign.

mrsjay · 30/08/2013 18:01

I agree with the posters there seems more to it than the breastfeeding the baby isn't doing what the father expect them to do so it is breasfeedings and mothers fault

solarbright · 30/08/2013 18:02

Fine for any father to have an opinion and fine to tell her about it. Once, calmly, in the form of them having an open and honest discussion about the pros and cons of continuing breastfeeding.

It is NOT okay to bully her and he sounds like a twat. I doubt their problems stop at breastfeeding.

DoctorRobert · 30/08/2013 18:10

Her DP sounds like a twat.

Original poster
froken · 30/08/2013 19:54

Maybe I will tell her how my dp reacts, I think his reaction is pretty normal.

I will maybe also talk about how my ds sleeps well and ears well --for how-to- when he is around so he can see that breastfeeding doesn't automatically equal bad nights and hard dinner times.

OP posts:
Sacrebleu · 30/08/2013 20:10

Yep, he sounds like a controlling See-You-Next-Toosday.

And yes, the decision how long to BF for should be up to mother and child.

So YANBU. Difficult to give good advice to your friend though. Her husband sounds awful.

attheendoftheday · 30/08/2013 20:10

Her dp sounds like a bit of a dick tbh.

I actually think that while dads cannot decree that the mother bfs or not, it is normal to discuss how you'll feed your baby.

9 months is not even particularly old to be bfing!

thebody · 30/08/2013 20:14

I think he sounds a vile twat.

MrsSpencerReid · 30/08/2013 20:17

I think as mum is doing all the feeds then it is totally up to her how she feeds, if my DP wanted me to bottle feed I would expect him to do his share of waking up, however, whilst bf, I'd let him sleep. I do see how he can moan as he doesn't even wake up!! Also, I would expect my DP to support me in deciding to bf/bottle feed unless there were exceptional circumstances which it doesn't sound like there are here. Am glad she has you as a friend op

Squitten · 30/08/2013 20:17

He sounds like a total twat.

If the Dad is involved in the feeding that would be one thing, but the fact that he expects her to do it all anyway begs the question of why on earth he cares how she manages it?

Sounds like he just wants to bully her

PlateSpinningAtAllTimes · 30/08/2013 20:27

So this poor woman is up multiple times a night feeding a baby who is at the age where all the books say they should be sleeping through (been there with ds, am there now with dd). She's probably exhausted and a bit demoralised. And her husband behaves in this bullying and controlling way. No 'do you think baby is waking because of the comfort of bfing- shall I do some bottle feeds in the night?'

TrinityRhino · 30/08/2013 20:31

I feel really sorry for her Sad

you are right it is only to do with mother and child but that doesn't stop people having very strong views that they felt the need to share with me about me feeding gecko when she was 5

pft arses

OxfordBags · 30/08/2013 21:52

He is bullying and controlling her, and using the breastfeeding as an excuse to do so. It is especially vile, because Bfing is a primary source of both food and comfort to babies, and it goes against everything in a mother to deny her baby either of those things, and yet he wants her to. And why does he want her to? I mean, he's blaming trivial, completely normal baby hassles on the BFing, and yet it's not him who deals with feeding the baby, or getting up in the night. It's abuse, pure and simple. If or when she gives up BFing, he'll move onto something else to blame her for, and make her feel shit about.

I would even hazard a guess that the baby waking up loads in the night might be a manifestation of stress it can't otherwise express from witnessing its mother being treated like shit. Obviously, lots of babies just wake lots because that's what they do - the most recent research shows that the majority of babies and toddlers don't sleep brilliantly, but we're being made to think of it as some sort of sleep disorder or issue due to parenting gurus, etc.

He sounds awful. You really need to get through to her that this is not normal and certainly not acceptable. I know it'll be awkward, but she needs someone to support her. And if no-one helps her see the light, the child will be damaged by having such a wanker for a father too.

mumofweeboys · 30/08/2013 22:04

My oh is not a bf fan (im currently sitting feeding me son). He does get cheesed off towards the year mark as
Bf can be very te consuming. Im guessing he thinks she stops bf things will go back to pre baby or at least improve. Sounds like they need a good chat or a visit to relate

OxfordBags · 30/08/2013 23:26

Weeboys, if your husband is not a fan of breastfeeding, then he doesn't have to do it Hmm

mynameismskane · 30/08/2013 23:36

Her husband is a dick. A little dick. You should tell her that real men don't react that way. What a twat!

mumofweeboys · 31/08/2013 08:30

OxfordBags - no he doesnt but I do, I was trying to explain how he feels as he is my partner and a good dad, entitled to his feelings. Some people are just not comfy with bf - fact of life, they are entitled to their opinions.

Trying to reason out a persons actions is much more helpful than saying he is a twat