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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to see where DS sleeps in EXH's new home?

21 replies

MsIndependence · 30/08/2013 14:24

MY STBXH and I separated over a year ago. He moved to a new house near his work and we agreed that he could have DS aged 2.5 at the time every weekend and could take him for holidays. We mostly did the handovers halfway between us on neutral ground but sometimes we would go to each other's houses and I would often cook family meals at mine as think that's important for DS. Ex had keys to marital home that DS and I are still in but I asked him not to use them and not to try gain access if I was not in. He admitted that when we were away last summer he did enter the house and he removed paperwork to do with the divorce. So I changed the locks but didn't tell him. This summer he tried to gain access again when we were away and found he couldn't. He moved to a new house even further away 3 months ago and will not let me in it. First he said he need to get it sorted and cleaned and needed 2 days to do that. I gave him the time and now he says that he just point blank will not let me in as I won't let him into out house (I do just only when when I am there and that's all I want from him). I just want to see where DS will be sleeping as I don't think EX has got him a proper bed and at nearly 4 yrs old he should have one. Also I really miss Ds at weekends and it would help to be able to picture where he is. I am happy just to visit once to see the set-up. AIBU to want this? Does anyone know if legally I am on strong ground or not? I am not happy for DS to spend time there now until I have seen the set-up as I wonder what EX has got to hide. Overall I just want to put my mind at rest that EX can provide a appropriate, clean safe environment (I still remember the state of his house before we got together!). Can anyone advise please?

OP posts:

MrsHoarder · 30/08/2013 14:31

If he's nearly 4 can't he tell you if he has a bed or not?

I'm afraid its not your house, your XH also has parental responsibility and unless you have actual grounds for thinking he's neglecting your/his DS then it would be unwise to argue anything.

That you miss DS so want to see where he goes isn't your XH's problem, sorry.

nannynewo · 30/08/2013 14:37

Unfortunately I do not think you are going to win on this one. Just ask your DS if he sleeps in a bed, he should be able to tell you at that age.

Your husband has equal rights to your son therefor how he parents, where he lives etc... is up to him. So long as he is not being treated badly.

You say you do let him into your house, but that is your choice. He also has a choice and if that is to not let you in his house then that's his decision. I am sure your son is fine.

ilovebabytv · 30/08/2013 14:46

YABVU. He is not allowed in your house yet you expect him to give you free roam of his? To inspect his parenting standards no less. If my ex 'requested' this of me he would less than politely told to fuck off.

Original poster

MsIndependence · 30/08/2013 14:58

As I have said :-
My EX does have access to my house and has been here for family meals many times since we have separated. I have NEVER denied him access - I have just asked that I be there so that he can't steal anymore stuff- is that unreasonable?
I have asked my son if he has a proper bed at Daddy's house and he says no - hence my concern.
I do not want 'free roam' just one visit to ensure that DS's needs are being met.

OP posts:

ilovebabytv · 30/08/2013 15:09

i was going to say as an aside, that regardless of your rules for him entering your house, he has the right to not have you in his home. Especially since the fact that you only want access to check up on his parenting abilities. You either trust him with your ds or you don't.

Isildur · 30/08/2013 15:09

You have no right at all to demand access to your Ex's home.

The child is only there at weekends, and I'm sure he'll feel free to pester his father for anything he feels might be missing.

Enjoy your child-free weekends, and unless you have serious welfare concerns (as in SS scale concerns, not whether your son is crashing on a sofa bed for a couple of nights) I'd leave well enough alone.

MrsHoarder · 30/08/2013 15:42

Because you let him into your home doesn't mean he has to let you into his. Nor would it help you if you saw your DS was sleeping on a futon: what would you do with that information? If you have something to do with the information then you can do it on your son's word, if you don't then really you just want to intrude on your DH's space.

littlemisssarcastic · 30/08/2013 15:58

YANBU to want to see where your DS is sleeping or staying whilst with his father.
YANBU to prevent your XH from coming into your house unless you specifically want him there.
YABU to think you have any rights to overturn your XH's decision to keep you out. You have no right to enter his home whether your son is there or not. Even if your son lived there permanently, you wouldn't have the right to be allowed in.
YABU to expect your XH to provide a sleeping place to your satisfaction. If your XH chose to put your son on a futon/air bed/cot bed or sofa, that is your XH's decision.

IMO it is not a good idea to police your XH's choices wrt your son unless it is detrimental to your DS.

WithConfidence · 30/08/2013 15:59

OP I do sympathise but they are right, you have no right to see where he is sleeping. Perhaps try mediation? But unless you think ds has no adequate sleeping place at all ie no sofa, no bunking in with dad, there is not much you can do. You cannot dictate what he does and nor him you, thankfully.

I appreciate it is very lonely and hard to think of them sleeping somewhere unfamiliar without you but that is the deal unfortunately.

Personally I wouldn't have an ex who stole from over for dinner. He's not trustworthy. My view is that unless you are 100% amicable it is confusing for the children to see you sometimes together and sometimes not, ie you are not friends. Be polite and friendly when you need to be (handovers) but draw some boundaries as he has shown himself to have no respect for you.

needaholidaynow · 30/08/2013 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlewhitebag · 30/08/2013 16:28

You asked your DC if he had a 'proper bed' at daddy's and he said no. This answer might depend on his idea of 'proper'. That may mean 'not like his one at home'. Ask him more open questions like: Tell me about your bedroom at daddy's? Describe your bed? What do you like about your bedroom? What don't you like about your bedroom? What are your bed covers like? etc etc. Then he is free to give you answers in his own words. This will give you a truer picture of where he is sleeping. BAsed on that you could then have a chat with your ex.

KatyPutTheCuttleOn · 30/08/2013 16:32

I wouldn't let my ex husband in my house; when I signed the tenancy agreement I invited him to look round before we moved in, in fact I insisted he did so he couldn't them complain that he didn't know where his DC were living. I had no obligation to though.
Ask your ex if he will compromise and send you a photo of your DS's bedroom, with your DS and his Dad both in the picture so he can have it at home as it will help him feel more comfortable if he has things from his other home at his main home?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 30/08/2013 16:32

What has your DS actually said about the bed? What do you think is wrong with it?

Also, if my parents had sat down together to play happy family dinners I would have been on tenterhooks thinking they might get back together.

nkf · 30/08/2013 16:37

I know this one. My ex took ages to sort out beds for the children. Gym equipment came before that. I agree with whoever said that your son should be able to give you a picture.

This nonsense about "you either trust or you don't." You might broadly trust but know that your ex is iffy on certain issues. For example, my ex is crap about time and is unreliable in other ways. I don't trust him but I don't think he's a bad father. I think he will usually put his own needs before those of his kids, but most of the time they aren't harmed and it isn't neglect. It's just a bit rubbish. It really isn't black or white, but you do need to accept that the other person has different standards.

watchingout · 30/08/2013 16:38

YABU - Your DS will be fine for a couple of nights a week without a "proper" bed. Even if he bunks in with his dad, its not the end of the world.

Please dont start grilling a 4 year old about what its like over at daddy's - you will be pressurising him and screwing your own head up too.

iloveweetos · 30/08/2013 16:45

Trust me, just leave be. Dont make this a big issue for DS.

ExP didn't have a bed for DD until he had a partner so needed DD out of his. (she slept in his bed) Over time DD realised herself that she had her own bed at home and should have at his.

As far as his parenting goes, unless dangerous/neglectful for DS, just say it once and then leave it. Just not worth the hassle. Definitely alot less stressful for DCs when you do this.

Also separate mummy time and daddy time. Over time this may become weird for DS and also bring his hopes up as said by TooExtra

Talkinpeace · 30/08/2013 16:47

My father never knew what sort of house I lived in after my parents split up. Let alone my bedroom or anything else.
YABU

HappyMummyOfOne · 30/08/2013 18:05

YABVU, you trusted him enough to create a child with him so surely trust him to care for his own son.

Am sure your ex misses his child too given he gets 2 days to your 5, missing him has nothing to do with seekng your exs house as it wouldnt make any difference.

Turniptwirl · 30/08/2013 18:30

Yabvvvu

His house, not yours. Nothing to do with you and you have no rights to visit it!

MammaTJ · 30/08/2013 18:39

Legally, you are on dodgy ground. You trust your ex to have him in his care. You have to assume then that he looks after him appropriately.

AnitaBlake · 30/08/2013 19:32

DSDs mum complained to the judge that she hadn't seen our house and DSDs bedroom in it, and said she wouldn't allow DSD to come over until she dud. The judge told her that at most, and in the interests of co-parenting DH might like to send some pictures of DSDs new room to her. But there was no reason for her to physically visit our house (at that point it was actually only my house, its in my sole name and we weren't married at the time).

DH has never seen, been in, asked or been offered to see DSDs bedroom at her mums. DSDs mum did complain about us bringing DSD here before she'd seen our house, but DH ignored it as he knew he was under no obligation, she's tried all sorts of ways, but the judge rebuffed them all. DSD is safe and well cared for when she's here, that's what's important.

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