MIL getting on my nerves, am I overreacting?

[megaindecisive]

MIL is upsetting my daughter and overstepping boundaries.

She has been overbearing the last few times I've seen her.

Recently she has been doing the 'oh, are you not my friend anymore?' in this weird voice when my child insists on holding my hand and not hers when we are walking along. She grabs her hand and my daughter doesn't like it and really resists.

There are other things like moving my daughters hands from items in shops. I tell my daughter she can touch if she's careful. My mil constantly touches things in shops too and I see it as unfair to not allow my daughter the same rights. If I don't mind her handling items then the mil should butt out.

MIL is upsetting my daughter and ruining their relationship. She kept telling her to be quiet yesterday and snapping at her; she then wonders why my daughters not her friend anymore. I can't stand all the friends stuff. I find it creepy coming from an older woman's mouth.

I think I'm overreacting but there is a bit of pretending to be her mum and not her grandma. My daughter does not want to be alone with her as much these days and Grandma feels hurt by this.

It seems minor when writing it out, I am really uneasy with it all. I don't want to upset her but can't quite work out how to deal with this in a non confrontational manner.

[thebody]

perhaps grandma is feeling tired/ill/ just getting older.

why this time away? why shop together if its hassle?

jus visit together or let her visit you. she doesn't need time on her own with your dd really.

[StanleyLambchop]

I'm not sure touching things in shops is necessarily frowned upon (china shops aside). What about the shops which deliberately put toys & sweets by the till where they know kids will see them and use 'pester power' while you are trapped waiting in the queue (bastards)

I think if you have taken the decision to allow this, based on your knowledge of your daughter and how she behaves, then your MIL should respect that. The holding hands thing is weird- My Dc always prefer my hand over their grandparents, everyone just shrugs and gets on with it, no one takes offence. Is it only natural, surely?

[EldritchCleavage]

Why did MIL lose custody?
I don't think you are necessarily over-reacting. After all, you see her, hear the tone of voice etc. If you have a strong feeling things have changed and if DD is reluctant to be alone with her then something has changed.

Don't ignore your instincts. MIL need not be alone with her anyway, she can see her with the rest of the family. It does all sound quite over-bearing and a but manipulative.

I would pick your MIL up on it calmly if she overrides your instructions to DD ('It's ok, I've said she can look at it' etc), and never make DD show physical affection or have contact she doesn't want. Otherwise, ignore.

[leeloo1]

Its up to your DD who she holds hands with and your MIL should respect this. Maybe try and laugh off the 'you're not my friend' comments in a 'don't be silly' way.

If your MIL removes your DD's hand from a toy you should quietly say 'thanks MIL, but DD is allowed to touch the toys in here'.

If MIL refuses to refrain from taking over/being odd then maybe limit the time your DD spends with her - and if necessary tell her why. If your DD is becoming uncomfortable in her presence then I'd wonder why this is - and your DD probably isn't old enough to tell you.

[megaindecisive]

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I've spent a while thinking about it and I think it's probably a combination of things.

My daughter has just finished her first year of school, this is about the same stage mil eldest was at when she lost custody of her kids due to ill health.

MIL spends less time with my daughter as she started school last year and she doesn't see much of her kids as they are all working long hours or not living close by.

MIL dotes on my daughter, she is her only grandchild and all her own children feel she has lost all interest in them. All she talks about is my daughter and too much of her money goes on treating her.

I think she has all this love for my daughter and is jealous of the mother-daughter bond. i think this is why she is being so critical. She is hurt when she feels my daughter is rejecting her.

It is better when it's just them together without me as my daughter can focus on grandma. Unfortunately grandma finds this too tiring. I'm going to think around other activities they can do together besides shop.