to reply in this way to present list/surprises/requests?

[wonderingifiam2013]

I have always loved buying presents for people - I love to shop and try my best to buy something that reflects the person/something they have an interest in. I have in the main been thanked for buying thoughtful presents - which makes it all worthwhile. And if ever in doubt for a friend - they get a bottle of their favourite tipple :)

My DSIL creates lists for her DC - and then as it gets closer to birthdays/Christmas, distributes the requests around the family. I have learnt over the years to ask what they want a month or so in advance. I don't particularly like this as it takes the element of surprise away but I guess at least I'll know the DC will love the presents we do buy.

A friend of my inlaws always asks what to buy my DC and it makes me feel uncomfortable. They are distant enough away from me for them not to bother buying presents - therefore anything they do pick I consider to be very kind and thoughtful.

If I say that exactly - is that ok? Or are they so used to buying 'off list' that it's a pain for them to choose something themselves?

Also - I find dishing out a list of presents also means giving people a budget to spend which I find a little rude as it may be too much!

Thoughts please

Hmm. My stock response when asked is always something cheap and cheerful like felt tips or jigsaw puzzles.
Always get used and not grabbing or cheeky.
If it's someone close, then they know what to get.

I think if someone asks then it's because they want a suggestion and the polite thing to do would be to give them one.

Some people find it really hard to choose suitable presents, but they still really want to give something that will be used and liked, rather than a waste of money. You can suggest something politely enough that you won't come across as grabby.

Btw, I have always thought the phrase 'off list' does mean choosing something yourself, rather than off a list.

I would take the request from the in laws friends as follows, just tell them what the kids are into at the moment. You don't need to be specific and pick one thing that you know costs a tenner or whatever. I say something like, ds loves puzzles atm. So they can go to Tesco and get whatever suits their budget.

I also hate being told what to buy, takes the personal element away. I try to get presents that people will like obviously! But that also link them to me in some way.

You could say something like "It's very kind of you, as they get so many presents anyway. Please don't spend too much money, but if you'd really like to get them something then anything Harry Potter-themed/with puzzles/book tokens/lego would be very welcome".

Then you're giving them an idea, but not an actual figure. TBH it sounds to me as though they'd prefer to just be told outright what to buy - a lot of people find it very hard to know what to buy for children, particularly if they don't know them that well. If you feel uncomfortable about it then remember that the they'll probably really enjoy recieiving the thank you notes that your kids send.

Can't you just suggest something? You kwo your DCs better than they do!

If thye like art and craft sugggest a pack of craft paper is running low, or paints, or stamps etc
If they like lego suggest one of the smaller sets they don't already have
If they like those animal models suggest one they don't already have (get my drift...?)

When people say "oh just get anything you think they will like" it really pisses me off. If I had a good idea I wouldn't be asking you!

I usually suggest books if someone asks. There's plenty of scope in price and easy to send.

Give them the option. I have wish lists running on Amazon for mine because everyone asks what they want. I say 'They like XYZ, or there's a wish list on Amazon for ideas, or anything you want to choose will be lovely'

Then they have lots of options!

I appreciate suggestions from parents.
Kid toys move really fast and I would likely buy last years favorite instead of the current one.

I think if people ask for a list then it suggests they don't really have any ideas regarding what to buy. I find buying for children I don't see very often tricky as I just don't know what kind of things they like or what kind of things they might already have.

I see why you would be a bit uncomfortable about a very specific gift list but maybe you could suggest a few things your children like (eg: Peppa Pig, dolls, transformers, crafty projects) which give them a bit of guidance and maybe a short list of specific items for if they're really stuck. If you go for a list of several cheap items then they can always choose whether to send one item or more depending on their budget.

I ask and people ask me about gift ideas. I dont want to buy something that they dont like or already have as that will be a waste of money.

'off list' means, to me, coming up with your own ideas rather than what is on the list.

Just because you like shopping and picking presents doesn't mean everyone does. You seem annoyed that other people don't share your love of shopping and surprises, as there is no suggestion this makes you spend more money than you need to.
Personally, I hate surprises and I hate clutter. So people who ask for ideas or suggestions for presents are wonderful in my eyes.
And similarly, I hate traipsing around shops waiting to find some inspiration for presents. If I don't get guidance, then you get vouchers or wine (depending on age!).

You only have to log on here in January to see how many 'thoughtful' presents, bought without guidance, end up straight in the charity shop or bin

Thanks for advice - I will let them know what DC are into at the moment

I felt rude asking but I guess they genuinely do want an idea :)

Wow! I correct my post ... 'from the list' ... surely you knew what I meant

I have mixed feelings about this. I grew up in a family were it was all 'surprises' and DH grew up with 'lists'. Now though I look at all the things that I get as surprises that end up shoved in a box/in the bin/charity shop/given away because actually it wasn't something that I wanted or needed. Clothes/toiletries/fucking ornaments that just aren't me. Whereas those that have bought off a list I treasure and I never ask for anything frivolous anyway. I think I'd rather buy someone something they needed or really wanted, although its taken me years to think this way.

Does your SIL distribute her lists to everyone unsolicited; or only if suggestions are asked for? The former would really piss me off, and I'm guessing she does this as you appear to prefer choosing your own?
Choose your own anyway; trying to control what gifts your children get from other people is controlling and weird.

My bil's dw sent round lists to all dh's family of really expensive stuff a few years after they were married. Things like handbags for her and she has expensive tastes. Everything on the list was double or more what we usually could afford to spend and probably 3-4 times what they spent on us.
They were exact (to numbers in catalogues) pretty much with the only thing left up to any choice was "a modern art picture in colours of reds and oranges to match the dining room". That was the only one we were tempted to get. It would have been painted by dd (age 2 at the time) with a fake signature which we would have told her was a local well known artist. Dh vetoed that idea.
We ignored the list on principal (as did dh's siblings). None of us had asked them for ideas that year or any other.

A few years later she suggested they all did secret santa which the idea was that we all wrote out name and a present down and she would tell us which to buy for and exactly what to buy. To me, there's no point in that, they might as well agree not to give presents and all buy themselves what they want. Idea wasn't taken on thankfully.

What I do when people ask me what the children would like is usually tell them their interests, or ask for something that they can do some choices in a price range. So I'd say crafty things, she wans to learn to knit, anything to do with planes, lego. Give two or three general stuff ideas.

The exception is dm, in that if I see something exact that I know they really want but we're not getting I will occasionally ask for something exact. But she also sometimes just comes and says that she's seen something and do I think one would like.

I think if people ask for ideas it is polite to give them some. I always ask SIL before buying presents for my nephew, we only visit a couple of times a year due to distance so whilst I might have lots of ideas I don't know what he already has or what he has grown out of. I love buying presents for people but if in doubt I like to check before giving, especially with children.

I do struggle for Ideas when people ask what they should buy for our children, they have so much already it's hard for us to buy for them so I don't like giving away our few ideas to other people. I also never know how much they want to spend or if my ideas will be to cheap or expensive for them. But at the same time I hate it when people buy tat for the children, and stuff that they won't ever play with. It's a waste of their hard earned money and a waste of resources for the environment.

I tend to tell people they are into this, this and this and leave it to them. However I do regularly tell family, especially grand parents and other elderly relatives to put money in a card and actually a lot of them seem to prefer this as they don't have to worry about making a des ion and getting out to buy something.

I also have started putting a five pound note in cards for children's birthday parties. It is slightly less than I would spend on a present, but at least child can spend it on something they actually want rather than something I want them to have.

I find it hard to come up with things to buy my children, without giving my ideas to other people!

I agree with other posters that the best thing is giving an idea of the kind of thing your child likes (eg a tv programme or film that has tie-in merchandise) or the kind of thing you'd like (eg when DB asked about Christmas last year I said I'd like a calendar, which gave him a broad range of price options and the opportunity to be creative).

Actually when DB asked most recently about my birthday I said "no more fucking cookbooks" because we'd had a conversation about how many I was trying to get rid of. He still found that helpful .

Giving people ideas is better than having a house full of unwanted gifts.

I wish exH would ask, remember what DS likes(d) or would take suggestions.

The last one was a huge puzzle, which DS is not into. Sigh.