Joining finances after a very long time

[Unabridged]

Ok, so I have read so many times on here about how family finances 'should' be shared, but me and DP have never done that before. However I recently cashed in my life savings to clear both our credit cards and other debts. We owed a lot of money! My partner's debt was crippling him ( I owed very very little) and with what he is saving in interest he can start to save rather a lot each month, which is our long term goal. However the idea of being financially entwined is scaring me. I think mumsnet may be the wrong forum to discuss this as so many believe in shared finances. But I cannot get excited the way he does when he sees the savings grow, I liked my independence. I feel forever linked with him now (10 year relationship) I am being selfish aren't I? What is wrong with me?

So I won't be accused of drip feeding later on. (well I still will, as people often don't read the full thread) he has always been terrible with money. Hence the huge debt, but he is really trying now, but I am feeling trapped

If he is that terrible with money, I wouldnt be giving him access to mine. Not what you want to hear.

I'd feel the same way as he is so awful with money.

And I have shared finances with dh.

Well, the current savings are in my name, and will most likely far exceed the original amount (there I go drip feeding) so why do I feel so bad? I think it is more about being tied to someone financially, when I have always been so independent before

Don't do it and get him to pay you back what he owes you for clearing his debt.

I'd be wary. How do you really know he won't do get into debt again? Why is he not clearing the debt himself? You clearing it for him is too easy.

I used my life savings as a house deposit, we wouldn't have achieved it otherwise but it's an investment and we're married with a DS.

I would not share finances. (If I was married to parent of my child and either of us had reduced hours that might be different)

Too often have I seen one half of a relationship benefit financially from the other. Fine if you work as a team. Dreadful if one half is a poor money manager, spender or just holds different views to you re financial management

but he is really trying now, but I am feeling trapped

This is why you feel unhappy. He's trying and if he fails your savings have gone pffft You will be the one affected. He can stroll off and carry on as before. You've gambled on him and lack confidence

Have you set your shared finances up in a way that he cannot misuse then? Chop up credit cards and don't replace them. Remove all overdrafts. Set up a working budget where everything including savings are paid by direct debit. A set amount of pocket money for each of you, and no going beyond that. No big spends of say 50 pounds or more without joint agreement. A clear shared goal for your savings - replacing the money spent clearing his debts would be good start.

Shared finances didn't just mean sharing the money, it means having a joined up and shared approach to managing the money as well. Rules for spending and saving that you both agree to live by.

If you don't think your oh can be trusted to stick with your agreed rules, then I would say back off from sharing your finances.

Have you done a budget together,? Agreed some basic rules? Decided on your financial goals?

we have shared finances. we used to have separate accounts but tbh it is much easier for us to have one current and savings account and one credit card account. neither of us checks with the other unless it is a big purchase and it works for us. however we both have a very similar attitude to money.

everyone is different. there is no right or wrong way - if one of us was bad with money it could well change the way we manage our finances.

many couple have their own current and savings accounts as well as joint accounts for household expenses and joint savings.

you need to discuss with your partner and figure out the right way for you as a couple. the fact that you are already feeling so uncomfortable and trapped suggests that totally joining finances may be a step too far for you.

I agree with justwondering72

We have a joint current account for monthly bills, food, diesel, etc. then a joint savings account for yearly bills. We split the leftover money equally between our own current accounts and spend from those as we like but that only works because we both aim for similar goals.

If he is shit with money I don't think I would pool finances! Maybe have given him an interest free loan (proper agreement drawn up) to clear his debts with fixed repayments.

But then I don't think you need shared finances until you have kids or maybe a mortgage. Or if circumstances change eg one of you looses you job.

I live with DP of 7 years. We have a house account which we both pay the same amount into and from that rent and bills are paid.

DP can do what he likes with his money, and I do what I like.

You say you 'feel forever linked with him now', like it is a bad thing? Perhaps this isn't really about money but about how you feel about the relationship overall?

Yeah I have to say that there are quite a few ways to share finances while still maintaining some independence.
Since living together my partner keep our own personal accounts but have a shared joint current account and a shared savings account. We each put a set amount each month into the joint current, this covers all bills and household outgoings, with a little building up each month (usually!). We also bung money into the savings whenever we have spare cash. This is for bigger, long term stuff (like the baby due in January!).

If he is rubbish with money you will need to take this into account some how, like no shared credit cards!

The way DH and I have dealt with money is that we each put about 75% of our paycheque in to a joint account, we know this covers all our bills and builds up a little reserve for holidays or emergencies, the other 25% goes into our own accounts, mine for savings mostly (so i can buy presents in secret!) and paying off a loan I got last year for my bike, DH's goes towards paying off his student loan and a rather massive credit card bill he lumbered himself with over 10 years ago. This works for us as we know our joint resources are dealt with and that we also have a little independence should we want to splash out. I expect when our baby arrives we will revisit the arrangement, luckily we both have a healthy attitude towards money and find it easy to talk about.

DP and I don't have shared finances and I like it that way. If we have children he will help me through maternity leave but after that we'll have a 'family account' which we will each pay into to pay for stuff for children.

Having been divorced from a man who was financially abusive, I would not in a million years intertwine my finances with a person who brings an unequal financial contribution and is bad with money.

I cannot take financial responsibility for someone who feels money is only there to be spent, especially if I'm bringing it in and trying to feed and clothe my family.

I wouldn't mind if we were similar in our outlook and financial responsibility, so long as he wasn't going to be pissing it away and was as concerned as me to be financially secure I'd have no qualms, otherwise no way.

I'd say the same if you were a bloke. If you partner is known to be irresponsible with money I would not join finances by bringing in a large of money and giving that partner male or female free reign.

I agree with Cakebaker that this is probably more about the way you see the relationship than the way you see the money, especially if the savings are currently in your name.

Shared finances work if you are both financially responsible, if one person just can't manage it and are constantly in debt/irresponsible, then the sensible thing to do is to keep them separate.

DH and I have a shared account for household bills, rent, food etc., but we're generally quite good at managing (though he's WAY better than me) the money and we still have our own accounts and own savings.

Shared finances also work only if there is clear understanding (and legal underpinnings) about what happens a) if you split up or b) when one of you dies.

I am not fantastic with money. We have separate finances.

You don't have to have shared finances, we have separate accounts but pay a certain amount into a joint account for mortgage, bills, food etc.

I would not join my money with someone who was financially irresponsible. It won't be him that comes out of it badly. Plus, what happens the next time he gets in a mess, are you expected to bail him out every time?