I don't know whether to cause a huge fucking fuss or just to let it go for once.

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

I need care for my 8 yr old DS as I have started a new job. Some friends are VERY kindly standing in because his childminder only comes back from holiday in a few days' time.

DS's closest friend's mother and I are very good friends. Her relationship with her H is just about over though they live together. This friend had DS during the holidays for a day and the H was happy to have DS, too. After the first day that the H had DS, I could smell that the H had been drinking. I asked if he had and he said he had just started a beer. DS later told me when I asked him that the H had taken them (DS and friend) to a pub and H had had a beer.

Today H had DS and friend again today. DS said they went to a pub again but not for lunch and that H had one or two beers. My DH collected our son and said that H smelled of alcohol.

So this is my AIBU question: DS is supposed to go there tomorrow again with H caring from him and H's son, DS's friend. If I tell my dear friend that I dont want her husband looking after my son because he drinks and drives (forgot to add that both times he drover from the pub back to his house with DS in the car) it may cause ructions.
But, if I don't stop DS going there tomorrow, who the fuck knows what could happen if H drives after having consumed alcohol again.

AIBU to risk a friendship over a slight chance that DS could be in car accident? Should I just ask H not to take them out? Should I find another person to have DS? Am I being judgemental?

I would risk the friendship in this case I don't think the risk of drink driving is worth it.

Does your friend know do you think? I would be furious if I found out my h had been drink driving especially with kids in the car.

I think it's ok to be judgmental in this instance.

If you possibly can, find someone else. Can your DH take a day off?

If he only had the one beer then he wouldn't have been over the legal limit to drive. But then if he'd only had the one beer would he smell so obviously of beer? I don't know.

Totally agree with LittleMiss

I would call your friend and say to her that your DS told you that her H drank several beers and drove. See what her reaction is. Maybe she doesn't know about this. Then tell her that you are very grateful for her help with DS but you cannot condone this. If she flips find someone else to take DS. I certainly wouldn't take the risk

Why is she not around? Does she work too?

Does your friend know about his drinking while he's caring for them, and driving?

I have a zero tolerance attitude to drinking and driving, I wouldn't have any alcohol if I was driving, neither would dh. It's just not worth the risk. And it's not necessary for heaven's sake. I would not let my dcs be driven by anyone who had had alcohol.

It also sounds like her dh lied about it, if your son was correct that he had had beer in the pub that first day.

I also don't think one or even two pints would leave a smell of beer on someone. I know that he is quite a heavy drinker - exactly how much, I don't know. The reason I know this is that it is part of the reason for the break down of the marriage and he has a very ruddy complexion, the type that long standing drinkers develop.

I would mention it and try to find alternative childcare. Drink driving is fucking shit.

I wouldn't involve your friend. I'd speak to him and tell him you are really uncomfortable about him drinking while driving your children. Is that enough to shame him into not drinking until your child has been collected?

I can forgive many things. I can be tolerant of many vices. Drink driving is not one of them. I wouldn't want anyone who condones it within a mile of me or my child. Would you?

If your friend does anything other than apologise profusely and refuse to have her ex care for her own son or, as much as she can help it, anyone else's unless he's supervised do you really, really want her as part of your social circle anyway?

If she's a responsible parent she won't even know what her ex is doing and she sure as hell won't condone it. Please, stop sending your son to this man and tell your friend why so that she can safeguard her own boy too.

Sorry, of course your friend has to know as he's driving their child. God, what a complete twat that bloke is.

He might smell of beer because he continued to drink beer after he got home.

I would certainly not be furious if someone drove my children after having 1 beer at lunch, but maybe I'm alone here.

Only you can judge because you know this man and we don't, but it will most likely not be received well.

If drinking is part of the breakdown of the marriage, that's a different story. In this case your friend will probably understand your hunch.

I called my friend and she says this has happened before with her child and she is not happy about it. Said she would text me.

Thank goodness she is on your side. Hopefully it will be resolved for the safety of both children.

Yes, I do value the friendship very much, so I am very relieved. She says he said he only had a coke at the pub and then a beer at home. I don't believe him but maybe my DS is lying.

I suppose he may have had a pint of coke in the pub. You really have no way of knowing the truth. Has your friend asked him not to go to the pub when he is caring for your DH?

Funny how times have changed. My dad used to drive us all after a few pints and when I was refusing to have a single drink if driving, would give me a load of stick and get angry! He is very defensive about his driving after a few drinks, even now. My mum has to pick him up from meetings late at night as he is too selfish to abstain. Eh??
However, I would be unhappy with this. Can you imagine if something did happen and you had the guilt of not having done something? Sorry to be harsh, but I agree with the others - it isn't worth it.

Who are you going to trust though - your child, who presumably has no reason to say that the guy's drinking, or the guy who has every reason to say he's not?

If he is a heavy drinker, the last place he should be taking them is the pub. You can't be sure your ds is right, but I would find it very hard to believe the dh.

Should clarify - we were all driven by him as kids who knew no better, but when I passed my test, 20yrs ago, I refused to drink at all. Have slipped to the occasional one drink with a meal.

I received a text from the man last night, saying that I owed him an apology. I have not and will not reply. My friend asked me if he had texted and said that she has told him not to do so anymore.

I sent a text to my friend this morning thanking her for being so decent about this and she sent a lovely message back. We are fine but I there is no way I would leave DS in that man's care again.

Thanks for the encouragement. It worked out well.

Pollyblue, I agree wholeheartedly. I don't believe for a minute that he had not had a beer, or more at the pub.

I think you have dealt with this well OP. Plus, a big, fat well done to your son for telling you about the pub visit.