to ask when it gets better

[supermariossister]

my lovely mum died last year, she was very young but very poorly with cancer. I was always with her, every day. I am so lonely and I miss her so much. it seems silly because I am up and about doing things, popping out with family but everything seems to have had the fun sucked out of it on the outside I probably seem to be doing brilliantly but I think about her all time. I worry that she felt alone as she was far away from us, that she knew she was dying and was scared. my friends all disappeared when they knew what was happening and I haven't been out with friends or seen any of them since. I feel like I let her down and I should of done more or made the hospital do more even though realistically I know there was nothing anyone could do.

I am really very sorry for your loss. I am also sorry that your friends let you down when you needed them the most. I think the way that you are feeling is very normal but it might be better if you need someone to talk to in RL? I really do not think that you let your mum down in any way, you were with her every day and that is the most important thing.

Its doesnt get better, yo just learn to cope with it. Two decades on I still have moments where I think "must tell Mum that" and she isnt here to tell. I just console myself that shes plonked on her cloud and probably knew whatever I wanted to tell her before I did!

FWIW Im a great believer in people dying when they have made their peace with The Maker - and you can choose you belief accordingly. Once all is well in their mind then they will pass on.

And you need to call your friends and say you are back on circulation. People today just do not acknowledge or experience death on any great scale. They have very little ability to empathise with it, thus hide away from the bereaved person

thanks for your kind answer, I don't much like the idea of talking to a stranger but everyone I know and speak to knew mum and I don't like to upset them. I just miss her so much everything seems that little bit less bright without her

I like that thought, I'm sure she probably does know what I'm thinking she always did before . I don't even know where I would start its been ten months that we haven't even spoke aside from the sorry for your loss messages

Yea your friends sound like they've been a bit of a let down, I would have harassed you. Make the call though if you want to start meeting up, just coffee or something. Chances are they may feel that they have left it too long too.

As for your grief, well there is no time limit and I guess it will hit you again like a tidal wave at unexpected moments. I had a little cry about my gran the other day after 2 years.

However sure as hell your mum would not want you to be living a half life feeling so sad and shutting yourself away. What would she want for you right now?

Ps stop being so hard on yourself. I'm sure your mum died knowing that you loved her and cared for her. You need to stop feeling guilty and enjoy your life xxx

Have a look at the Cruse website, which has lots of information about bereavement and can organise counselling if you feel you're ready. 10 months is no time at all - you must still be reeling. I'm so sorry. I do know your mum would have known how much you loved her.

I'm not really sure what she would want for me, I do everything I did before just with half the enthusiasm. its so difficult not to feel guilty or angry

I found 11 months was my turning point. I did have a lot of counselling through the hospitals bereavement service though, which helped enormously while simultaneously keeping things stable for the children.

It helps as time goes on and new situations arise that don't always hold reminders. The rawness of the pain and sadness fades into resignation of the life you have without her. There will always be moments that take you right back there though (mine are school plays and the fact she should be there to see them).

Do you have family support?

my family are great but its hard to talk about the deeper things because I don't want to upset them either. dp has been brilliant can't fault him but he has never lost anyone and sometimes I'm not sure he knows what to say. I can honestly say she wouldn't be happy with me feeling guilty I just can't help it

Hey my mum died just over six months ago and I have same worries as you about not upsetting others as I think about her lots (but particularly worry about my dad and also younger brother who I'm close to but I think he keeps feelings close to his chest). I guess that's why I come on here to share experiences and it's just one day at a time and learning to enjoy the time we have now and remember some great times together (sounds cliche but that's what I tell myself to look on the brighter side). Wishing you all the best x

Hi Super. I can't offer words of wisdom, but I can offer words of solidarity. My Dad died in April. It hit me very hard but I bounced back ok. Get on with all the day to day stuff just fine. Am not depressed. Am functioning pretty well. But like you, it's all rather half hearted. Heavy hearted at times.

There is a part of me that is simply heart broken. I miss him. I take a lot of comfort in that he had had a nice day, it was quick. Dad had been very poorly for a number if years but was actually on good form. We thought we had a couple of years. But no.

So you are being completely reasonable. My rational brain tells me that it will never go away, it will just get easier to live with. Like you, my husband is great but has got both his parents.

I just wanted you to know that you are certainly not alone on this one.

it is nice to know I am not alone although I wish you both hadn't had to go through the same thing. today is most definatly a heavy heart day like you say I get on with what I am doing, play with the kids, plan for the future it is as though the fun has gone out. I was reading a quote the other day which said some people bring a light so great into the world, that even after they have gone , the light remains.

It's still very early days in terms of grief super. You are doing well, you are functioning and are (understandably) still very raw.
The rawness wears off but there will never be a day where you don't think of her, it just means that in time, when you think of her, you will have a warm feeling and a smile rather than the heartache you currently have.
I still have my mum, but I have lost my dad, both my siblings and brother in law so sadly I speak with experience, but!...I thought I would never be happy again, but I am you know, and one day,you will realise you are too.

Be kind to yourself, you have done so well, your friends have let you down and I understand about not wanting to confide in family who are hurting too, but if you're not ready for counselling, you can get some good books which will help you understand 'The cycle of grief' and that may help you realise that you're completely normal in how you feel.

Missing someone you were so close to is very natural to my mind. Sad but true I'm not sure people fully "get it" unless they have experienced it themselves.

Please don't expend valuable energy dwelling on how you might better have handled her illness or the aftermath. As a mother yourself you know you'd spare your DCs any sorrow or distress. I am sure she drew strength from her loved ones but even the most welcome visit can be very draining for someone in later stages. So push away any notion of letting her down.

If you reflect on the days following her passing or the funeral itself, again, you can't change how things went. Ime I wish I'd not seen either parent following death; it is a very personal decision but I know people who later regret not doing so. It is all horribly unscripted and you just do the best you can at a time you never wish to repeat.

The time over which you shift from her loss being the first conscious thought on waking and the last before sleep, to the painless and pleasant recollection of a happy memory a few days' apart can't be guessed at but it will happen.

It is utterly normal to feel numb or even cut to the quick when others babble about jolly family get-togethers or (worse) whinge about parents. I was on a mailing list for a popular florist and never wanted another Mother's Day ad in my life. But we've all groused about parents or rabbited on about spending time with them and the world keeps turning. You can't banish mention of mums and people who frankly couldn't handle your sadness were probably imagining they were doing you a favour sparing talking about her or inadvertently setting you off.

I still jump when a particular song comes on the radio or some random chance thing happens and I think, "That's funny, Mum would love that" now coming up to 7 years since she passed. They say the first year after death or divorce is hardest - all those anniversaries and milestones. Glad DP is understanding and hope you can reach out to old friends or make new ones.

It doesn't really get better, but as time passes, you will find there are more memories that make you smile rather than cry. But I still come across stuff and want to tell Mum (or Dad. Or Granny & Grandpa.) You do get better at coping, though.

Come over here to the support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent. Don't feel guilty - you did everything that you could have done and more. Guilt is a normal response to grief btw. I feel guilty for going away for the weekend that my Mum got taken into hospital.