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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lose patience with my friend's relationship?

18 replies

TheUnsympathetic · 28/08/2013 17:29

My friend is 31 and has been in a relationship with an immature 25 year old for about 18 months. They fight almost constantly, and now she's six months pregnant. During her pregnancy so far they have taken it in turns to throw each other out of their rented house and following a particularly bad argument she got a police warning for assault (she slapped him, he pushed her over, she threw a shoe at him, he called the police and as he had a cut lip and she didn't want to press charges, she got a caution). She went to a woman's support place and is now on a child protection register and has been told not to be around him.

That was about six weeks ago and every weekend it's the same: fiery arguments, teary phone calls. She has family support and could choose to live with them or they'd help her rent her own place but she doesn't want to because she loves him. I've viewed three separate places with her but she always backs out at the last minute. I don't think he's abusive: they both wind each other up equally.

AIBU to not want to hear about it any more?

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 28/08/2013 17:33

id say and have had to say this to a friend (though n o dv invloved.. just the tears argumeants )that i will all ways be there for when she is ready to leave and start a fresh, and unless she is needing a house to stay with or is in dangour i dont want to hear any more of the drama.
failing that.. sign her up to jk.

Grumpywino · 28/08/2013 17:34

I feel your pain, she must be draining you of the will to live but please don't give up on her just yet. She may really need you, and it make take her time to break away from him if she ever does.

SubliminalMassaging · 28/08/2013 17:34

People like this really test my patience. Poor bloody child.

Silverfoxballs · 28/08/2013 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

softlysoftly · 28/08/2013 17:46

I have no patience for people who thrive in drama in a relationship. Yanbu.

My sympathy I'd reserved for their child.

WhoNickedMyName · 28/08/2013 17:48

YANBU.

I've no sympathy for your friend or her partner.

Poor baby, being born into that situation.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 28/08/2013 17:52

Do either of them care about how any of this will affect their child?

I can't be doing with people who survive on drama either. I feel sorry for the baby.

ElleBelly · 28/08/2013 17:52

If she's been told as part of CP plan not to have contact with him she needs to not have contact with him. If she's continuing to place herself and unborn at risk they will need to consider best interests of baby.
Hard work for you, you sound like a good friend who is trying to support her as much as you can.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 28/08/2013 17:56

Is she aware that her baby may be placed elsewhere then? If she is ignoring the CP plan.

CoffeeTea103 · 28/08/2013 18:00

If not the arrival of a baby can make her put her priorities in order there isn't anything much you can do to help her. She has options and support as you mentioned, so it's not like she will be totally alone if you decide to step back from this friendship. I agree, people like this are emotionally draining with their drama.

NotYoMomma · 28/08/2013 18:02

I would tell her to grow up and get a life that doesnt revolve around a bloke

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 28/08/2013 18:20

The child won't be on a child protection plan until it's born, but if she's signed an agreement to separate from him and she hasn't, that will put her child at risk of going on a plan and potentially court proceedings if they are worried enough. What does she think about that?

livinginwonderland · 28/08/2013 18:23

YANBU at all. Tell her you'll be there for her if she's in danger or needs a place to stay but that that's it.

cory · 28/08/2013 18:38

If she also slaps him and he ends up injured and she has been cautioned for assault surely making her sign an agreement not to go near him is not going to solve that poor child's problems? They both sound as bad as one another.

pumpkinsweetie · 28/08/2013 18:43

Yanbu, what about the poor child in this situation? Must tear at your heartstrings seeing a friends child in this situation, i think i would have to back away until she stops the denial and see's this man for what he is. It could take a long while

Sparklymommy · 28/08/2013 18:51

Another feeling desperately sorry for the child about to be born into this travesty of a relationship. Agree she should be told that you are always there for her, but don't want to hear about the relationship until she is ready to face the fact that it isn't working or healthy.

SubliminalMassaging · 28/08/2013 19:05

I dread to think of the financial cost to the state in trying to counsel and cajole people like this, in a bid to help them keep their children, only for them to end up damaged and/or removed a few years down the line. So sad. And infuriating. It really brings out the authoritarian in me.

Nethuns is bloody full of them. Quite scary really.

Original poster

TheUnsympathetic · 28/08/2013 19:06

I don't think she's on a CP plan, but I expect she may be on some kind of warning list? Don't really know how it works.

She really devotes herself to him so much that I barely see her when they are getting on and she doesn't have many friends left. She's also lost her job as a result of having to stay in a different city after a spat and calling in sick when she's upset. I do feel sorry for her (it's a rebound relationship) but I think she needs to grow up too.

I don't know what to suggest to her because she doesn't listen. I want to be there for the baby though.

OP posts:

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