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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my new nanny employer to get her mother to butt out when I am working?

12 replies

EnviablePins · 28/08/2013 14:11

I have just started a new nanny job, looking after a 2 month old girl twice a week. My employer's mother has been living in their home since before the baby was born, and as far as I can tell is very hands-on in the baby's care. I seem to have been employed to give the grandmother a break from looking after the baby. I understand that the grandmother has her own way of doing things, but she keeps coming along and correcting what I am doing. I would understand if I were a teenage babysitter, but I am a 39 year old, NNEB trained mother of two!

For example, today I was feeding the baby and she came over and took the bottle from my hand and held it there in a slightly different position, making some comment about the baby had stopped sucking. And later the baby had fallen asleep on me after a feed, and as she is apparently very colicky I was holding her slightly upright, but she was still very comfy snuggled up, and the grandmother stood there tutting for a while and then said I should put her in the cot. Of course she woke up, so then the g'mother swaddled her and she slept around ten minutes more, which she would have done on me anyway.

Is it a really bad idea to talk to the mother before I go there next (on Friday) and ask her to have a word with her mother? I don't want to offend them, but I really can't relax and work knowing she is listening in and waiting for things to pick me up on. The baby and I still need to get used to each other, and I am good at my job but this is making me feel very edgy!

OP posts:

JakeBullet · 28/08/2013 14:15

I am not a Nanny but if I was this would drive me nuts too.

Your employer needs to decide who is providing the care...you or her mother.

If its you then the grandmother needs to butt out and let you do your job. If that is an issue then leave grandmother to provide the care and find a job where your experience and skills will be appreciated,

Tee2072 · 28/08/2013 14:19

Sounds like the grandmother doesn't want a break from the baby.

I'd speak to the mother and suggest her money might be spent better elsewhere and to just let the grandmother get on with it.

Crowler · 28/08/2013 14:19

As a mother who has used nannies in the past, I would be completely empathetic to your position.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 28/08/2013 14:19

What Jake said. Be frank with the mum as it sounds like the grandma needs telling. If the mum is unwilling then move on. She won't give you a break otherwise. If so be clear as to why you're going.

eurochick · 28/08/2013 14:20

I think you should talk to the mother. If they just want someone to help the grandmother out (and be bossed around by her), they might be better off with an au pair or something than a trained nanny.

badguider · 28/08/2013 14:25

I wouldn't 'ask her to have a word with her mother' as it's not really your place to force the GM to take a break - but I would talk to your employer and say that you feel that at times you and the GM are both trying to be the main carer and could she clarify what she had in mind when employing you? also mention that both of you trying to be in charge at once doens't really work.

Obviously you don't want to talk yourself out of a job but it does sound like they might not need you afterall if the GM doesn't want 'a break'.

Montybojangles · 28/08/2013 14:25

Perhaps mum is hoping you will be more assertive with telling grandma to butt out than she feels she can be! Talk to the mother about the situation.

Original poster

EnviablePins · 28/08/2013 15:02

Thanks for replies. I will talk to her and attempt to point out the issue in a diplomatic manner!

OP posts:

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 28/08/2013 22:09

OP you are completely in the right. As you know but just to add my two penneth.

Kiwiinkits · 28/08/2013 22:48

Sounds unbearable. Hope your conversation went well.

FWIW you should probably talk to the mum about what she wants you to do with things like having the baby sleep on you. For some people that is a big deal (with my PFB I was quite strict about never having the baby sleep on me. Chilled out massively with my second).

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 28/08/2013 22:53

The mother is maybe quite happy to get a break from the grandmas interference!

Ask her to qualify what role you have and whether the grandma is going to continue this way, as it may be settling in jitters and not permanent

MikeOxard · 28/08/2013 23:15

I'd have to say something too I think. Although I suppose you could have said no to putting the baby in the cot, and let the GM be the one to speak to the mother - she'll tell you if she wants things doing a certain way.

What about just checking with the mum if she is happy for the baby to sleep on you or if she'd rather not etc. Once you are confident that the mum is ok with how you're doing things, then you can just politely thank the GM for her suggestion, but no thanks, we're fine doing it this way.

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