To want a holiday without PIL

[ToQuackOrNotToQuack]

DP, DS and I live in England and PIL live in another European country about 3 / 4 hours flight away.

DS is just under a year and so far this year we have flown to DPs home City 3 times (once more in Christmas) and have had a 'holiday' in their country but different city with ILs. I don't speak their language very well and we don't particularly get on with each other so it doesn't feel like a holiday.

ILs also visit us a couple of times a year.

It feels like DP wants this set-up to happen every year.

Aibu to want a holiday just DP, DS and me? And how many times is reasonable to fly to visit, thinking of cost and getting to get time off work. I want DS to have a good relationship with GP but don't know what to do as it feeks I never have a holiday where I can relax.

Put your foot down now, or it will become the norm.

If all you'd posted was the title I'd still say YANBU.

It's nice to have a family holiday of your own!

Yanbu. You need your own family time.

yanbu but you may need to rethink your destination country .

YANBU.

You need to make it clear to your DH that this won't be continuing. Your child will get more expensive as he gets older and you shouldn't have to sacrifice things to visit relatives as many times as they want when you don't even enjoy it.

Let them visit you and spend the money on flights, and you spend your money on your own little family from now on.

YANBU, my ILs are lovely but having gone away with SIL and on our own this holiday we are definitely not going for our main holiday with them again. It is nice to be away just DH and myself with our three children to do things together and have fun. I found going away with SIL that it was too difficult and not relaxed at all. Luckily DH agrees with me. Talk to him about it but having all your holidays with them is excessive and I think you should sort it out now so that an expectation and pattern don't start as it is so much harder to break.

As to how often you should holiday with them, that is for you and your DH to agree, but you shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not wanting to do it.. As above, don't let it settle into a pattern or you are bound in for years unless you make an effort to break it.

I would cut the trips down to their country. Travel will only get harder and pricier as your DS gets older and starts school. A week at Christmas and then again at Easter/half term would be more than enough, especially if coupled with an open invitation for them to stay with you whenever they can.

You need your own space as a new little family; maybe a compromise could be reached by meeting them somewhere in the middle for a week next summer, then you stay on for another week on your own?

Thank you for all your replies. I know it's going to lead to an argument but we do need to talk about it. The thing is all his friends keep saying about how important it is to see his family as often as he can :-s

I'm hoping Skype calls as DS gets older will mean they can keep in touch without the need to visit quite as often.

YANBU.

They've visited you twice this year, you've stayed with them 3 times already this year are planning to stay with them at Christmas too?

Bloody hell you deserve a medal! Put your foot down lady.

Bit of both. I am in the reverse position (with the family abroad), and I feel we are obliged to see them on a regular basis. I also like going to my home country. But this year we took our kids somewhere else, and we all loved it so much. So I can see your point of view, too.

Poor you, all that foreign travel.

You are so not being unreasonable!

Same over here. I complain that I want a holiday and OH says but we've been to X 3 times this year etc....I told him straight away it's not a holiday! I do love visiting in laws though and it is nice to have the break from home but it's not a family holiday.

You've got to tell your OH how you feel

YANBU - I know how frustrating this can be .

DH has extended family in another European country, and his parents strongly believe that we should go there every year to visit, even though: A) we're on low incomes and saving for a house; B) it means that we never get chance to go anywhere else, to the extent that it's the ONLY foreign country I have EVER visited (something that's unlikely to change while the family is still alive); and C) it's a total waste of holiday time/money because we're both too bored and stressed to enjoy it when we're there, due to the language barrier, lack of autonomy and the fact that the country is very, very boring unless the weather is really good.

We've agreed to try to go every 3-4 years, although I really resent it because I literally dread the holiday, hate every single day of it, begrudge the financial and opportunity costs, and come home feeling worn out rather than refreshed. DH doesn't mind it as much as I do, but agrees that it's a waste even though he loves his family.

No idea how you resolve the conflict, though. Can't PIL visit you, so you only have to fly over once per year (or, if you're lucky, every other year when the DC are older)?

If home is in your native country there will always be that "sacrifice" DP made for you. So some travel to his homeland and at least one annual visit from the in-laws is reasonable.

Taking leave into account, it isn't fair of DH to expect all vacation time to be dedicated to seeing his family. Is your side of the family living locally or elsewhere in UK?

When DS starts school vacation time is limited to out of term time.

You're doing a lot of travelling with a very young DC which is commendable but fares will go up as he gets older and even if his parents paid for your travel expenses you still need a break on your own whether home or away.

These days it's so easy to keep in contact via Skype, granted it's not a substitute for being together but you don't want to give DP the idea you're trying to avoid them. If it were less than the distance it is I'd ask how would you feel if he took an annual trip out to see his parents by himself? But to make a trip worthwhile we're not talking about a long weekend so I think I'd look at two trips there a year pre-school with a long return visit from PILs and a shorter one. They might have to be prepared to entertain themselves by day if you're both working.

So tricky. We are the family who moved abroad and so far this year, all of DH's leave has been used up with family visiting - either us 'going home' or PIL/my family coming here. I know this sounds awful, but as we're here for three years, I don't want to do the same again next year - I want us to see some of the country we're actually in, or use the opportunity to travel to other areas that are a stone's throw from here but half a world away from the UK.

I think there is some expectation that as you - or in your case your DH - moved, you have an obligation to return and maintain family ties. It's very hard though when you want to establish your own little family and flights cost a lot. It is going to be £2500 minimum next time we travel to the UK (with a toddler and a newborn) and there's a part of me that would rather put that towards a fabulous holiday here.

I feel your pain!

Yanbu at all. 4 times is a lot I think.

We are in a similar position, DH being from Scotland, me from another European country and living in the US. This year we tried to balance things and we are quite satisfied with our organization so hopefully we will carry on.

• Xmas: we flew back and stayed with one set of parents on Xmas day then flew to the other set for New Year (you gotta love Easyjet)
• Summer: my ILs came for 2 weeks, then flew back to Scotland with the DC while we enjoyed a child-free fortnight (bliss). My parents flew to Scotland to pick up the DCs after a week and we then flew there to stay with them for 2 weeks before going back home. Each set of grandparents got the DCs for 3 weeks and us for 2 weeks.

My parents and ILs want to swap roles next year

It is complicated and not cheap, but everyone is happy. The GPs were really great and both sets invited cousins over when they had the DCs which means they had a fantastic time. We also had several "days out", only me, DH and the kids when we were staying with my parents which is maybe something you could try?
Local get away week ends in Autumn and Spring are something we try to do too, just the four of us.

So here are ideas to sort out your situation, I think the key is to talk about this, plan ahead and make it fair to your family, parents and ILs. ILs cannot have all your holiday time!

We have a similar situation, but it's my family that's a (short) flight away. We typically see them once at their house, once at ours and we go away together for a week every year. I might go over by myself with the DC another once or twice in the year, depending on what I've got on. We also go away by ourselves as a family for at least one main holiday and usually some long weekends throughout the year.

I think going once or twice a year for a long week end or a week is reasonable with the offer of a warm welcome if they want to visit you. Yes, the relationship with the GPs is important but so it's your family life. But it does get easier with Skype and phone calls as the children get older.

My family do live locally yes, so part of me feels guilty because I know he misses his family and friends. But he'd moved before he met me and I still want to make sure we see them every year for the sake of DP and DS but just not as often.

I've been on maternity leave so we've only had to negotiate time off from DPs employer but when I start work again it'll be much harder to get time off I imagine.

Feel your pain. My ILs are around a 10 hour flight from us and complain that they 'never get to see GC'. However, this year we have visited them and they are visiting us twice (and staying with us). The total amount of weeks spent together will top 10. Ten weeks! That's 20% of the year. More time spent together than when we lived in the same country.

It will not happen next year. No way.

Sorry but I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I live in a different country to my parents and our holidays are always with them. My husband would dream of changing this as he can see his parents when he likes

YANBU. My PIL live in another country a couple of hours flight away. We have visited 3 times since DS was born a year ago, and will be going again at Christmas. There are various reasons why it is very difficult for my PIL to travel, so it will always have to be us visiting them. Whilst I understand that it is hard for them not to see DS and DH more often, it becomes more of a chore than a holiday for me. It also eats up all our holiday time and funds, as flights are expensive. If you have the option of your PIL visiting you at least for half the occasions, I would try and implement this, otherwise it sets a trend for you doing all the travel.

My family do live locally yes, so part of me feels guilty because I know he misses his family and friends. But he'd moved before he met me and I still want to make sure we see them every year for the sake of DP and DS but just not as often.

I've been on maternity leave so we've only had to negotiate time off from DPs employer but when I start work again it'll be much harder to get time off I imagine.

My parents live a flight away (but shorter). They visit us about 3 times a year (they stay for less than a week and we tend not to take much time off when they are here, so spend time with them at evenings and weekends, and during the day they either do their own thing or do something with the DC). We visit them once or twice a year , but not for long and usually over christmas or easter or a bank hol so we not using up much holday time. We only go on a "proper" holiday with them about once every 2 or 3 years for a week. This works fine for us (if we book up flights early enough to get good deals). If their health deteriorates and I want to see them more often, I imagine I would just go on my own (I get a lttle more annual leave than DH, or would just go for a weekend).

Can your DH vist on his own sometimes, without eating too much into his annual leave and funds?

I would flag up major warning lights on this one. Holidays are not just nice to have, but I think that they are pretty important for you to bond as a family unit, and really important for you as a couple, especially if you and or your husband both work.

You already resent it a little, put your foot down now. Parenting takes it's toll on relationships and holidays are essential to reconnect. And spending time with the ILs is not the same.