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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why my child is always the victim?

16 replies

birdynumnums · 27/08/2013 21:57

In the last 4 months, I have noticed that my DS2 (turned 3 2 weeks ago) appears to be a constant victim wherever he goes. I don't get it because he is a genuinely nice, gentle boy. Some examples just in the last 2 months...

I drop him off at playgroup. He happily walks through the door. I gaze through the window. he's just hanging up his bag and see him shoved to the floor by a smaller, younger child for apparently no reason.

Playgroup again, Pick up time. Look through the window and see a little girl ask him to hold her hand. He's playing with a puzzle so shakes his head and she grabs his top and starts shaking him and pulling him until a teacher finally intervenes and takes her away. I hear girl's mother complaining that her daughter is being victimised because playgroup are saying she is aggressive to other children.

At the pub for lunch. They have a toddler play area. Two toddlers follow him to every toy he goes to pushing him away. I stand at the bar ordering food. He runs towards me when a little girl appears and shoves him over. To be fair, her mother says sorry.

Today, on the bouncy castle. He's climbing up the steps to go down the bouncy slide. He's not climbing fast enough for the older girl behind him so she drags him down and literally stamps on him repeatedly until I drag him out. Girl's mother says nothing to child and yells at me to f off when i complain. DS been a bit sad all day.

I'm getting fed up of it now. He never ever fights back, just sits there looking sad with his bottom lip dropped. Is this normal? This never happened to DS1 ever and to be fair, DS2 is a much easier going child than he was. I don't want him to be aggressive but I really want him to stick up for himself. Do you advise your kids to hit back? I have just told him to let an adult know so far but now I am so tempted to tell him to smack them back. This is wrong isn't it?

OP posts:
Crumbledwalnuts · 27/08/2013 21:59

What worked for us was telling my son to be loud. It's not nice to encourage shouting but we said just be loud if being pushed around. Don't Do That, Why Are You Doing This, Leave Me Alone, Go Away, anything. Then stick up for your little one when/if he gets told off, stick up very vocally.

Crumbledwalnuts · 27/08/2013 22:00

ps - you can practise at home!

LingDiLong · 27/08/2013 22:04

Yes, what crumbledwalnuts says. My eldest is very easy going and she used to get trampled over somewhat and I taught her to yell at them but to describe what they were doing i.e. 'don't hit me!', 'stop pushing me' so it was obvious what was going on to any nearby adults. She's 8 now and still very easy going but she's no pushover and will stick up for herself.

Crumbledwalnuts · 27/08/2013 22:05

Yes Long - the child needs to make clear he/she's not the aggressor - leave me alone, don't do that to me etc. Because shouting might bring teacher/whatever and they might just go for the shouter because it's easier.

Littleen · 27/08/2013 22:06

Would agree with crumbledwalnuts on this one! Don't teach him to respond with violence, but to speak up for himself instead! I will be teaching my kids martial arts, so that atleast at school the other kids will know "not to pick on the one who can fight if needed" :P Bullies are everywhere in the world, and the best thing we can do is to teach the kids how to deal with it in a non-violence way. (martial arts would potentially act as a barrier for bullies, plus allow kiddo to defend themselves)

Crumbledwalnuts · 27/08/2013 22:06

So I was wrong to say "anything".

Original poster
birdynumnums · 27/08/2013 22:39

Thank you for replies. Yes, he probably needs to be more vocal as at the moment he just takes it and I really don't want to encourage him to be violent. Strange thing is, he has no problems telling DS1 to go away when being taunted. I think he is young for his age - some of his speech is not very clear at all. He is timid but I wouldn't say shy because he loves to play when children are kind with him. I just feel so bad for him. We take him out because we think it's good for him and he ends up being pushed around 9 times out of 10.

OP posts:
auntmargaret · 27/08/2013 22:43

I got my DD1 to shout "Don't bully me" at anyone who ever tried to push her around. Very effective.

Crumbledwalnuts · 27/08/2013 23:12

Oh that's a good one.

MyBaby1day · 28/08/2013 04:23

I agree with crumbled, tell your little man to BE LOUD!!!, I have found that works in life, even as an adult. Also auntmargaret, for him to say "Don't bully me"! (also loud). Poor little man, he sounds like a real cutie-pie! Smile

Lampshadeofdoom · 28/08/2013 04:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeaveIt · 28/08/2013 04:38

My Ds (7) used to be just like that. He could be the first to a box of instruments and would let himself be elbowed out of the way till he was the last to pick something. We used to practice the shouting "stop pushing me!" "don't hit me!" in the car and have fun and a laugh doing that. That worked well. My son is still quiet and sensitive but doesn't allow himself to be pushed out/around anymore.

BergholtStuttleyJohnson · 28/08/2013 08:10

My eldest is such a gentle, kind boy and used to be a "victim" at toddler groups a lot. It was because he didn't react. If a kid pushed him he just looked a bit bewildered or sad, if a child tried to snatch a toy off him he'd give them a confused look and go and find a similar toy.
He was like this until ds2 was crawling (ds2 is very boisterous and knows what he wants) then one day he sort of snapped and shouted "SHOUT" at ds2 when he was grabbing his stuff. He slowly started standing up for himself. Now aged 3 he's still lovely and gentle but if someone hits him he says very loudly "DO NOT HIT ME! THATS NOT NICE!" Same if they snatch. He never hits back or snatches himself but he no longer is a always the "victim"

Justforlaughs · 28/08/2013 08:14

I agree with all of the above posters. Shouting "don't bully me" or "stop pushing me/ hitting me" is a really good idea. But I would also learning a martial art. They are really good for building confidence and they don't teach a child to be violent, but to know that if it comes to it they could defend themselves. Out of my 4 children who have learned, only one of them has ever once used their skill outside of the dojo - and in the circumstances it really was warranted! (and the other child wasn't hurt, just humiliated) nothing like sitting a bully in a large puddle in front of his friends

vix206 · 28/08/2013 08:19

Thanks for posting OP. My almost 3 yo DS is always picked on and sounds like your DS in many ways. He's so kind and gentle, and really loves playing with his friends. Thing is they are more boisterous than him and are prone to biting, hitting and pushing Confused and he always seems to be the target. He has started shouting things like 'that's not very nice. I'm your friend' etc. which is a start. I will encourage the 'don't bully me' thing.

I was bullied as a child so I can't bear to watch DS go down the same road.

cory · 28/08/2013 08:48

Ds was the same. I was worried he would grow up to be bullied, but he hasn't: once he got to school and the other children matured a bit, they genuinely seemed to like his gentle personality. He is in secondary now and has made very good friends. I am glad I never encouraged him to hit back because I am sure that would have created more longterm problems. Loud is the way to go.

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