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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not like my friend inviting other people to join us when we go out?

20 replies

MeganHeartMegan · 26/08/2013 00:05

I've known a woman for 4ish years now, we worked together and clicked straight away and don't work together anymore but are still good friends.

We do have different groups of close friends.

Whenever I asked her to do something, cinema, dinner, drinks she agrees and then says oh I'll ask A and B to come too. Now I do like her friends, and we get on but we wouldn't see each other or chat if I wasn't friends with their friend.

It doesn't bother me generally especially if it's a night out but now it's literally to everything. I arranged a cinema trip, she invited her other friends. We bought our tickets and then one of her friends insisted we go to this bar for a drink and then said it doesn't matter if we miss the film because it's only a couple of pounds. I'd driven too so I couldn't drink and I find it to be quite boring being surrounded by drunk people being the only sober one.

We did eventually get to the film and had to sit on the front row and they complained about how shit the seats were

Then when they organise something they never invite me. I don't expect to be invited out all the time but on the odd occasion like when they are going out for drinks it would be nice.

Aibu to be annoyed at this situation?

OP posts:

LeaveTheBastid · 26/08/2013 00:08

So you don't like them being invited to nights out you organise, but expect to be invited on theirs?

YABU.

Original poster

MeganHeartMegan · 26/08/2013 00:13

So you don't like them being invited to nights out you organise, but expect to be invited on theirs?

Well no I didn't say that, but should have worded my title better.

What I meant was whether I organise to do anything with my friend, my friend always invites her other friends, which like I said is ok especially for nights out but every single time I don't think is fair.

And yet when they go on nights night I'm never invited.

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 26/08/2013 00:13

If your friend is constantly doing this then it would suggest to me that she doesn't particularly enjoy spending one on one time with you.

Sorry. But that would be the message I'd be reading into this situation - especially as you say that said friends do not then invite you to their gatherings.

MichelleRouxJnr · 26/08/2013 00:16

Maybe your friend isn't very socially confident.
I prefer to have more than one other person on a night out and in the situations you describe would sometimes invite a friend or two who I thought you might like - I find 1:1 situations very uncomfortable except with a couple of very close friends.
Why don't you invite her to join you and a couple of your friends on a night out?

LeaveTheBastid · 26/08/2013 00:17

Well, in that case, what Nancy said. I'd either address your issues with your friend or stop organising nights out until she puts some effort into the friendship too.

SaucyJack · 26/08/2013 00:19

Are you sure you're still good friends?

TBH it sounds very much as if you've grown apart and she no longer enjoys spending one on one time with you.

waddlecakes · 26/08/2013 00:21

Don't take it personally. There are people I think are great but just enjoy more in a group setting.

AgentZigzag · 26/08/2013 00:24

I'd think the same as Nancy, it's not that she's inviting her friends, it's that she's inviting her friends every time.

That she's not inviting you back out with them backs it up, if she was inviting her mates because you're an established part of the 'group' then you'd be included.

But then LeaveThe has a point, why are you still inviting her out to stuff if you know she's like that and don't like it. Easiest solution is to not invite her out.

Perhaps she's scared of you

Lynday · 26/08/2013 00:24

Ouch, I wouldn't take it as you not being close friends anymore. Maybe she has gotten herself into a situation where she feels she needs to ask this friend(s) to join as they invite her to other things? I think it's hard sometimes to have different pockets of friends without feeling guilty about not inviting another?

AgentZigzag · 26/08/2013 00:26

Wouldn't she say she can't make it because she's cleaning the bog or something if that was the case Saucy?

Original poster

MeganHeartMegan · 26/08/2013 00:26

She does not have SN and is an extremely social person. She must go out 4/5 times a week. Some of these are 1 to 1s.

She regularly calls me and we end up having 2 hours conversations. So I think if she hates me as most of you suggest then I don't think she would do this - or even agree to go out with me at all.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 26/08/2013 00:31

I didn't mean she couldn't stand her any more ZigZag

More that she'd downgraded the OPs friend status from "close friend" to "fine as part of group but not enough in common any more to go out 1 on 1" IYSWIM.

MichelleRouxJnr · 26/08/2013 00:31

If she goes out 4/5 times a week then maybe it's a case of fitting everyone in!
Perhaps she likes to see her other friends regularly, and on the weeks she is meeting you she would miss out on a night out with them unless she invited them?
I go out prob 2/3 times a week, am sociable and often go out 1:1 with my friends I have known for donkeys years - but there are a few friends I haven't known quite as long where it's just more comfortable to be in a group.
PS. Whay did you say she doesn't have SN? (Not having a go - just wondering)

QueenofallIsee · 26/08/2013 00:41

I have a mate like this, drives me mental. I happen to be more than 99% sure that we are close friends and it is no attempt on her part to avoid me, she is just very social and likes group stuff when heading on the town. when we have dinner or meet at one of our houses it is always just us. So nope, YANBU. book a table just the 2 of you is my advice

PenelopeLane · 26/08/2013 00:42

I have a friend who does this, and I find it annoying too, especially as last time I'd invited her to my house for dinner and she invited another friend of hers that I know but not know well without checking with me first. That would have been fine, but me and the other girl aren't exactly good friends ourselves and have little in common so the whole thing was a little awkward with our mutual friend 'facilitating' much of the conversation if that makes sense. TBH I am starting to wonder if my friend is just a bit of a people collector and prefers to be surrounded by more people rather than 1 on 1. Or maybe she just doesn't really value our friendship anymore.

Viviennemary · 26/08/2013 01:18

YANBU to be irritated by this. Some people are never happy unless they are saying shall we ask such a person oh and let's ask this other one two. Now this is fine now and again. But not every time. And especially as you aren't included on their nights out.

tiggerpigger · 26/08/2013 04:22

Yanbu. They sound like twats.

Thumbwitch · 26/08/2013 04:36

I'm actually going to agree with the poster who said that, if she's got that busy a social diary, then inviting other people along may just be her way of keeping up with more people at once.

I have a friend who has had the busiest social diary of anyone I've ever met since she was 13. She just gets on with everyone, knows loads of people, and she tends to do this a bit as well - not dragging people who don't know each other together, but if they do know each other and get on ok, then yes, I could turn up to hers thinking it's going to be just the 2 of us and find out she's added in a few others just because otherwise she wouldn't be able to fit everyone in.

However - if she does it ALL the time, then that's a bit off, especially if the others then try to change the plan and the REASON for you meeting up! That's just rude of them.

I also agree that you should maybe stop arranging stuff. If she wants to see you, let her do the inviting and arranging for once. And if she doesn't get around to you, then your answer is implicit - you're not as important to her as others.

redexpat · 26/08/2013 09:39

I have a friend who does this and it drives me nuts. I now say to her on some occassions 'X I haven't seen you in such a long time and would really love a proper catch up. Would you mind if it was just us?' I agree that sometimes it's fine to take others along and others not. She probably has no idea that it annoys you, and she won't unless you tell her.

TeaAndABiscuit · 26/08/2013 11:02

YANBU. Why not invite her round your house for a drink and catch up? I would have thought she was unlikely to bring someone along then and at least you won't have to drive.

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