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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or are they?

30 replies

Dosdos · 25/08/2013 18:06

My sisters that is...... New to MN so might have posted this elsewhere already.

Anyway, I have 2 sisters who I get on with ok most of the times. All married with children. I have 2 Children and they have 2 each as well. They are bit older than me ( 10 and 8 years gap). I have always been there for them. But when I had my first child, pregnancy was very emotional as was in and out of hospital throughout the pregnancy. I expected them to be there for me but NO! One came to visit 3 months after I had the baby and the other well- about 9 months later. Was told that I was very emotional and said things that hurt them. no elaboration on what they were! OK, We made up and resumed our relationship..... 4 years down the line and...............

Had my second 6 months ago and the history repeats itself...no one phoned or came to visit. Phoned one of them and invited her to our house, when asked why they are behaving like this, was told it was due to something I said at a family gathering.

I am very low, emotional and don't think I want to bother any more? What would you do?

OP posts:

PissesGlitter · 25/08/2013 18:09

You need to ask them what you said to upset them

I would be pissed off

CaptainSweatPants · 25/08/2013 18:12

You poor thing

I would ring up and apologise & say you didn't mean any offence

Then invite them round for lunch & don't talk about it again

Good luck

Sparklymommy · 25/08/2013 18:13

How awful for you. Perhaps you could point out that your hormones are all over the place and you have never meant to offend them so much that they would snub your children.

Finola1step · 25/08/2013 18:13

You need to tell them to be straight with you. They need to tell you exactly what you said to offend them so that you can all thrash it out. If they can't do that then it sounds like it would be a good idea to take a big step back from them both for a while.

Justforlaughs · 25/08/2013 18:17

Congratulations on your new baby!

I'd want to know what I was supposed to say to upset them. If you are told and you think "fair enough, I was out if order" apologise and move on. If they don't tell you then I'd just accept that you should take a bit of space away from them. If you are told why they were upset and you think "I don't see why that would upset them" ask mumsnet!

Mia4 · 25/08/2013 18:20

Do they live in a different country or something OP? Sounds like a snub otherwise and since this is repeated behaviour then maybe they just aren't interested and using the 'family gathering comment' as an excuse?

You can't force a relationship, however much it must hurt to have your DC reject in a fashion and it's sounding like they aren't interesting an may e making excuses.

Call them, tell them how much this upsets you and that it's just like with your firstborn. Ask what you are meant to have said and ask them if they're actually interested in you and the kids.

StephenFrySaidSo · 25/08/2013 18:24

oh l wouldn't bother asking them what you are supposed to have said, they sound like they're playing horrible games. just ignore them and stop inviting them. tbh i'd accept that they're not interested in being part of your life and leave them to it. you'll be much happier when you stop seeking a relationship that's not going to happen. just put your effort into those relationships you already have and enjoy that aren't forced or manipulative.

meganorks · 25/08/2013 18:30

Well its impossible to say isn't it because you (and therefore we) don't know what you are supposed to have said or done. If it was me I would want to find out so would ask. At least you know then and can decide what you want to do.

For all we know they are mners too and somewhere there is a thread about your over emotional responses and what you have said at a family do. And then they would have been told to cut you out...

meganorks · 25/08/2013 18:33

For all we know they are mners too and somewhere there is a thread about your over emotional responses and what you have said at a family do. And then they would have been told to cut you out...

Original poster

Dosdos · 25/08/2013 18:58

Thank you guys. I did ask and these are the reasons was given, didn't want to bore everyone with them

First time around, I was an emotional wreck, first pregnancy with complications. They tried to be there for me and i appreciated that but when I had the baby I was struggling a bit in the early days and thet never bothered to even call me. A relative asked why they are not around to help, I said I don't know what's going and I cant force some one to come and help me. The words got back to them and they were very upset. I apologised and we moved on.

Second pregnancy and similar complications. I decided to keep pregnancy a secret for a while as was very emotional and my boss made my life hell. I finally told them and they were not happy why I did not tell them i was pregnant and the complications/issues. They said they felt unwanted.

OP posts:

jacks365 · 25/08/2013 19:03

Can I ask why you didn't contact them to ask for help rather than complaining to another family member that they hadn't been in touch with you?

Mia4 · 25/08/2013 19:06

Dosdos Number 1 would probably be better to have said to them but in all honesty sometimes the truth hurts and that a relative asked strengthens them being in the wrong. I personally wouldn't have apologised for the words, just for not saying them directly.

Number 2, why would you confide in them when they show such lack of interest before? Did you actively lie to them during your second pregnancy or did they show the same lack of interest and there was no opportunity?

Tbh, it's sounding more and more like they are making excuses for not being interested-sod them.

StephenFrySaidSo · 25/08/2013 19:13

I agree with mia- they seem to want to take offence rather than seeing that actually their sister was up to high doe with stress and new baby emotions and that you answered a question truthfully rather than pretending there was no issue i.e; you didn't know why your sisters weren't there.

MissAntithetic · 25/08/2013 19:14

I would just tell them to get in touch when they have grown up.

If someone ways something that upsets you, you say the next day "you upset/annoyed me when you said x" then you can explain and if necessary apologise.

All minor rows are immediately forgotten if that member if your family needs you.

If you can't possible forgive or forget then you should let the person who you aren't speaking to then otherwise what's the point?

They should very childish. Do not let then ruin your time with your baby.

If I were you I would say something along the line of "I'm not a mind reader - I had no idea you were upset but seen as you have now ignored me and my children for the second time I believe you are in the wrong and I don't wish to discuss this again, you are more than welcome to visit if and when you please" and then I wouldn't contact then again

Original poster

Dosdos · 25/08/2013 20:20

Jack, I did not complain but was asked and answered the question. I was a bit emotional and looking back may be I should have never said that. I apologised.

Mia,

I did not lie to them but did not tell them straight away either. Was very emotional and was dealing with a lot of stuff at work so to be honest I didn't even think it was a big deal. I

OP posts:

Mia4 · 25/08/2013 20:28

Dosdos I still think they're looking to excuse their own disinterest, maybe it's time for you to return the favour?

Original poster

Dosdos · 27/08/2013 07:03

this has affected me more than I realised.am not sleeping well and feeling sick. I have since tried to get to the bottom of it and here goes. i rang them and explained how their attitudes towards me at the time when I need them is affecting me. They said I cant expect them to be at my disposal. I didn't inform of my pregnancy and they were hurt by that. I explained that I was going through a tough time and didn't realise I was pregnant until after 3 months as I was bleeding . I almost collapsed at work one day and was not well. went to gp and asked if I was pg. I took a test there and then and I was.

went through some tests and found out had similar problems as my first pregnancy. was almost 4 months by now wanted to keep it secret for a while. to get used to the idea. decided to go away for a few weeks but told them when came back. they are still sticking to their guns that i neglected to tell them.

They went on to say that at a family do, they overheard someone saying that my sisters have always been jealous of me cos of my career, how close i am to my parents....bla bla. They insist that i must have said those things to that person. I told them to tell me who that person is as i have never said anything like that. They cant remember who it was but adamant that they heard those words.

i have apologised. one has accepted. one said she wants to meet face to face to get to the bottom of it. I emailed my concerns to her and she was furious. told me she wants to meet up. i said ok but please do read the email just so you know. she said she will not read it. I said, okay lets meet up, waiting to hear from her.

im dreading this but i do want the relationship with her. should i just accept am in the wrong so that we move on from this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Dosdos · 27/08/2013 07:13

just to add that i mentioned that i have spoken to my hubby about this and they went mad. Family issues should be left to family- i should have not discussed them with my hubby. I some how agree but did this because i know hubby will not tell a soul and i need to talk to somebody about this as it is upsetting me and making me ill

OP posts:

WallaceWindsock · 27/08/2013 07:15

I think they sound awful. They don't seem to have concern for your physical or emotional health and seem to want to make everything about them at a time when it should be about you. It sounds to me like they are looking for an excuse to fall out with you. I would keep my distance for a while. Don't meet up with them if they are looking to "get to the bottom of things". You've just had a baby and don't need this stress. Take some time to just focus on your little family. Just make vague excuses if they ry and meet up. Where are your parents and partner in all of this. Someone needs to step in on your behalf and tell them to back off until they stop childishly looking to pick fights with an unwell and vulnerable post part you.

Inertia · 27/08/2013 07:16

They sound like more trouble than they're worth.

WallaceWindsock · 27/08/2013 07:18

That's bollocks love, you and your husband are a partnership and he's the first person you SHOULD have discussed this with. Sounds like they don't want you to tell him because he WellPoint out to you how out of line their behaviour is and support you. I really think they sound toxic and self serving. Who would honestly have an issue with you talking to your husband about an issue which is upsetting you.

WallaceWindsock · 27/08/2013 07:19

No idea what a WellPoint is! Should say "will point out".

diddl · 27/08/2013 07:23

I wouldn't bother with them anymore tbh.

Find some caring friends instead.

They just seem interested in ganging together & finding fault with you.

saggybaps · 27/08/2013 07:25

You're not in the wrong, they are being rubbish sisters & coming up with poor excuses to justify their crapness. I have a brother & sister who are very similar.
After the birth of my second child it badly affected me. I've had to distance myself emotionally as it was affecting me & my family.

They are both still totally shit, but I don't care (so much) anymore. It's their loss. I've made some great friendships recently & they've more than plugged the gap.

You can't force people to be what they're not. Good Luck trying to sort it out, I really feel for you.

Original poster

Dosdos · 27/08/2013 09:19

Thanks guys. Really needed to vent this out. I think I might make an appointment to see my Gp as feeling very down and cant eat or sleep properly and it is affecting my breastfeeding. Feel dizzy and lack of energy and my legs shaking. I was very emotional throughout pregnancy and have been fighting PND and was succeeding, wish I never bothered with them now. This has just put me back to square one. I don't think I am going to meet them anymore. I am going to concentrate on myself first.

OP posts:

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