to upset my DM?

[feduppregnantlady]

NC for this as don't want to be outed.

Apologies in advance if this is long and rambling.

Background: my DB and SIL have had problems in their marriage for a while. They have 3 young DCs (under 3), problems have arisen as DB doesn't pull his weight and can be lazy, selfish and manipulative when challenged about his behaviour. I hear all of this from SIL who regularly complains to me about him (although I have also actually witnessed it myself on a few occasions). She is often in tears because of arguments they have had (and particularly cruel things he has said to her) and apologises for always coming to me about it, but says she can't go to her own family for fear they will turn against DB. Besides, she knows I know what can be like.

Rest of family inc DM and my other two DBs all aware of the situation. They acknowledge DB is in the wrong, as do I, but we all try to stay out of it and support SIL and DCs the best we can without interfering in their relationship.

Jump to recent events: DB, SIL and their DCs, and me, DH and our DD went on holiday with some friends and their DCs. DB was fairly hands off and lazy all week. SIL did everything with kids and it was noted by everyone there. He snapped at me when I suggested he did something with the kids. Things came to a head one night when he was drunk and was really aggressive and rude to me. I was 32 weeks pg and got v upset. Usually I would've ignored it, but I ended up in floods of tears and it spoilt the holiday.

I came home vowing not to go away with him again but it is DMs 60th birthday coming up. As part of celebrations, whole family are supposed to be going away next weekend (after that there is a birthday lunch and a party at DMs house the following weekend, so it isn't only celebration). I will be 37 weeks pregnant. I said to DM I really didn't want to go away with DB but she got upset so I said I would go.

However, this week DB and SIL have had another row (started because his tea wasn't on the table when he got in from work!) which resulted in SIL going to her parents with the kids for the night. She texted me to tell me and cancel plans we had made for the following day. She seemed v upset and said she just needed a break from DB.

The next day I spoke to DM, who happened to ask if I had had a nice time with SIL. I told her she had cancelled and why. Next thing I know, I receive a really nasty text fromDB asking why I am deliberately trying to upset DM by telling her SIL had spent night at her parents. He is accusing me of sticking my nose in etc and trying to make out that I am shit stirring etc.

I am really pissed off. I don't want to be in the middle of their relationship issues and I only told DM as she asked about SIL. And I really don't want to go away with them all next weekend. This hasn't been an easy pregnancy and I feel really stressed at the thought of how tense it will be. I also feel really tearful about the whole thing, which I know is hormones but I just want to disengage from all of it.

However, I know it will really upset DM if I don't go. AIBU not to go?

Don't go. Ignore DB - he sounds really horrible to be frank.

I would slightly remove yourself from this family stuff until you are ready.

Family are really crap sometimes and those are the times to protect yourself.

You can celebrate another time/way with your DM.

Show your DM the text. Then tell her who to blame for you not going... and have a nice restful weekend.

Tell them that you must rest "on medical advice".

Agree that at 37 weeks pregnant you shouldn't be put under that stress. Explain to your mother and have a nice peaceful weekend

He's abusing her and wants you all to defend him while he does it.

Nasty man.

Thanks for the replies.

I told DM about the text. She seemed aware of the fact he was angry with me for telling her but she said she had told him it wasn't my fault, she had asked and he shouldn't be angry at me for telling her. She knows he is in the wrong but is just grateful SIL has gone back and that according to DB 'everything is sorted'.

To be honest, I think she buries her head in the sand when it comes to DB. She has a history of depression and finds it really upsetting when he behaves this way. He is just Jekyll and Hyde. He can be charming and very convincing when he wants to be. Some weeks most people would believe he is husband and father of the year and I think this is why SIL stays with him.

Anyway, this is exactly the kind of ruminating I want to get away from! I think I need to make my excuses and put my family first, as much as I know DM wants us all there together.

By my family, I mean the new baby, DD, DH and me!

I'd tell dm that you need some rest as the stress of your brothers behaviour has been too much. Maybe baby will already be here

Honestly OP in future I would refuse to spend much time when he's there on the grounds that a) it's his fault/issue and b) you won't be ale not to stay anything which always results in him behaving like a bigger cock to you.

Honestly, he sounds abusive to your SIL and your mum needs to see that as well as SIL.

Don't go and be clear to everyone including brother as to why.
Tell him he's a nasty prick and you have no interest in spending any time with him.

At 37 weeks, why would anyone want to go any distance from the hospital they are expecting to give birth in? Can't you use that as your reason, and let some distance build up regarding db?
Sounds like sil doesn't have friends to support here, would be less complicated for them than for you.

Don't go. Stay at home and look after yourself and your own family

Don't go. Decide whether you would prefer to use the "medical advice" line or the truth - which ever will make you feel less stressed.

sameold house we are going to is only an hour along the coast and 45 mins from hospital, otherwise I wouldn't have entertained the idea!

And thank you to you all. DH had said not to go if I didn't feel I could deal with it all but I needed the opinions of wise MNetters. I think he'll be delighted you all agree with him.