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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - I need some help

13 replies

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 25/08/2013 15:08

I'm quite new to AIBU so not sure if this is exactly the right place.

I'm 22, and have been living at home after 3 years away for undergrad to do my MA, which I am days away from completing (scary). I will then continue to live at home for at least a year while I apply for a PhD, and get a job to fund said PhD. I am also FINALLY beginning to cope with my depression (I am on the correct meds, see the doc, have had CBT all to success), however, I have massively relied on my parents to help me get through (which included commuting between London and Nottingham at one point, and being unable to leave my room out of anxiety).

I am incredibly appreciative of my parents and all they do for me, not just emotionally but in terms of looking after me at home - they do far more me than I feel they should now I am getting better and want to regain some independence. I'd like to know what things YOU would find helpful at home to have lifted from you as a burden, or to make your life easier - when I lived away at uni I was well capable of looking after myself, but didn't have to coordinate in the same way. I do a fair amount of the cooking, but I don't think that's enough to really count. Any advice would be welcome!

OP posts:

HerrenaHarridan · 25/08/2013 15:21

Cleaning!

Particularly the jobs they hate!

Salmotrutta · 25/08/2013 15:21

Well, from my perspective if one of my DC had done the enormous pile of ironing that would have been a major lift.

BUT, parents just want their DCs to be happy and I'm sure they are just grateful you are getting better!! Doing the cooking is a big help I'm sure.

Do you keep your own room tidy, sort your own washing etc?

SkinnybitchWannabe · 25/08/2013 15:23

You sound like a fantastic considerate lovely daughter.
I suppose the only things I can think of are tidying up after yourself (which Im sure you already do) let them have some personnal space and most importantly..tell them how much you appreciate all their love and support.
Im sure hearing you say that will make their day.

SueDoku · 25/08/2013 16:35

Seeing you getting better will be great for them, as they have obviously worried about you (it goes with the job of being a parent...).
If you can demonstrate that you are beginning to regain your independence - maybe by arranging a (low-cost) treat such as a picnic for your family, or even by going out with a friend now and again - I'm sure that they would love that.
It might sound as though you are doing it for yourself, not them, but believe me, it would really help them to see that you are beginning to live your own life - and as Skinny said, it would let them have some personal space.
Congratulations on doing so well, and good luck with your studies

Whatdoiknowanyway · 25/08/2013 16:39

Saying thank you occasionally is a big start. My kids do but I'm amazed by how many of my friends' children never knowledge what their parents do for them.
Take your mum out occasionally for a cup of coffee, make some cakes, ironing is always good and a hug never fails.

Jinty64 · 25/08/2013 16:44

The cooking, oh yes, the cooking. I hate cooking. I just finish clearing up one meal and they are waiting for the next. You sound lovely.

magimedi · 25/08/2013 17:07

You sound really thoughtful & kind. Cleaning & cooking wouldbe great & maybe sometimes either going out of an evening or saying you are going to bed early with your book and/or long bath.

When DS was back home as an adult we really appreciated the odd evening to ourselves - in the nicest possible way.

PoodleFlavouredFreddos · 25/08/2013 17:27

I'm in a very similar situation - just finishing my MA (ARGH), living at home, major issues with depression/mh issues but getting better.

I clean, do the stuff I know they hate, and I buy little things for my DM and DF that I know they wouldn't get for themselves - slippers, new socks...small things. I clean the car & do all the washing. I also cook & send them up the pub so they have time to themselves & try and make sure I am shut in the study on sundays so they can have space & time.

My parents are fab, and it sounds as if your are too. They regularly say to me that the best thing for them is seeing me trying hard and getting somewhere and I am sure your parents feel the same. I think for my parents, the biggest thing I can do for them is too keep on getting better, and get where I want to in life.

Good luck with your MA hand in, and the future.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 25/08/2013 17:33

Ah you sound like a really lovely daughter. I think just keep an eye on what needs to be done and do it. If there is enough dirty washing to put a load on then bung it in the machine. If there's some ironing do it and put it away. Maybe offer to strip, wash and change all the beds once a week. Mow the lawn, pop to the shops if you can see the milk or bread is running low. God I could go. (Come live with me please!)

There's so many small jobs that take up time just doing a few helps a house run more smoothly.

Original poster

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 26/08/2013 16:23

Thanks everyone :-) I don't actually mind ironing so will get into that.

OP posts:

Original poster

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 27/08/2013 10:16

just thought I'd pop back in and say I am leaving to submit my thesis in about 10 mins, and have had a chat with my Mum about what she would find most helpful. thanks everyone.

OP posts:

VoiceOfRaisin · 27/08/2013 10:25

You sound lovely, as do your parents. I agree with others that, for your parents, seeing you happier and more self reliant is the best thing you can do - getting up, washed and dressed before 9am can be a major accomplishment if you have depression.

If you are feeling strong enough to do more, then I recommend the following as likely to be really appreciated:

if the dishwasher is full and dirty, put it on.
if the dishwasher is full and clean, empty it.
if there is clean washing in the machine, hang it out to dry.
change and wash your own sheets and clothes
cook at least one meal a week and let your parents know in advance so they are relieved of the planning and cooking
help with the washing up
lay the table
keep your bathroom clean (ie don't leave your own mess and, if you can, clean it once a week).
tackle the ironing pile now and again
help put away food shopping if you have it delivered
(maybe going off piste here) put out the rubbish
mow the lawn

You probably do all those things anyway :-) You sound like a lovely family. Good luck with the MA/job/PhD

MumnGran · 27/08/2013 10:31

You sound wonderful, OP.

Your Mum will be revelling in seeing you well, and on top of things, so I am sure she already feels very rewarded. Help around the house does make a huge difference though, so I think its a super idea to help out a bit more.

Keeping your own space clean & tidy matters, doing the ironing would be very welcomed I am sure. As would cleaning bathrooms.

Perhaps the nicest thing would be to just 'see' what needs doing, and get on with it ....because many woman I know become very tired of needing to ask people for help, or having them ask what they can do. However willing the volunteer, it is very wearisome to always be the one who needs to think about it!!
It is absolutely bliss when someone just sees the need for themselves!!

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