Who is being unreasonable? RE: Contact and punishments.

[ANormalOne]

We had a small family party at my great-grandmothers last week. My 12 year old DN, her 6 y o DT half-brothers and her 14 year old cousin who has a learning disability and developmental delay, were playing in the kitchen when £30 went missing from my great-grandmother's purse in her coat.

DN was adamant her cousin had took it and that she hadn't seen what he had done with it, DTs who say, 'how high?' when she tells them to jump agreed and said he'd taken the money. Cousin is very upset, great-grandmother, who's 83 and has severe angina, got herself in a state as it's a lot of money and we couldn't find it.

Next day DSis was changing DN's bed sheets when she found the £30 stuffed under the mattress, DN still refused to admit that she had taken it and blamed it on DT's. Took several hours before she finally admitted to it. DSis is obviously fuming with her, this isn't the first time she's lied and she's become a right madam since she started secondary school.

DSis has grounded her for two weeks, taken away all her privileges and treats, made her apologize face to face to great-grandmother and will be doing the same to cousin when she sees him. I think this is a fair punishment for what she's done. DN's father picks her up for contact, DSis explains what happened and he agrees he will continue with the punishments.

DN dropped home yesterday after 3 days at her father's and it turns out he's taken her to the zoo, McDonalds and also bought her a new expensive DS3D game - so hasn't followed through with the punishment at all. Had a massive row with DSis and said he shouldn't be expected to follow through with punishments as it impacts on his quality time with his DD. DSis accuses him of being a Disney dad and making her out to be the bad guy and undermining her, that he needs to follow through with punishments too or DN is going to learn she can do what she likes and get away with it.

Phew that was longer than I thought it'd be! Who is being unreasonable here?

obviously dad is being unreasonable, though can see he'd struggle to follow through following an incident that neither included or effected him. tricky.

It's difficult, but I would say that if you have enough contact with your ex, which your sister appears to do, then the parenting should sort of try and follow the same lines, and if I were in your sister's position I would expect him to follow through.

HOWEVER, if the kid sees her father much less than her mother, I also think it's a bit harsh on the father. I mean, you get to see your kid once a week or fortnight or whatever, and you're supposed to spend it doing....nothing?

Basically I would says that your sis might be being unreasonable here, and I would expect the father to sit down and have a talk with the kid about how wrong her actions were etc, but then to carry on making the most of the weekend anyway.

He is BU. When my DD lived with me and did something serious, her dad and I agreed her punishment, then we both stuck to it.

I can see both sides here. It's a tricky one. I do think he could have had a nice time with her but not bought her things as well.

They parent 50-50, so he has her 3 days one week, then 4 days the next. I told her myself that he could have had fun with her, without spending loads of money on a trip to the zoo or a new game. Especially after he'd agreed to follow through with the punishment.

I think she needs to dish out the punishments in her own time. If dn's about to go to her dad's then grounding is not appropriate. She could have assigned household chores, naughty step, smack on the hand, spoken and/or written apology to the nan, lines, etc etc. There are lots of things she could have picked from that wouldn't affect dn's time with her dad, and wouldn't require the dad to spend his time with his dd punishing her for something he knows nothing about in a way he may not agree with. SIBU.

I think they should have jointly agreed a punishment, then both stuck to it. But that is in an ideal world. Her mum could extend the punishment to compensate for the days lost, though that does leave all the onus on discipline to her.

On balance, I think the father was being unreasonable - even if he doesn't see much of her surely he realises how unpleasant her behaviour has been on this occasion (not just stealing from an old lady but blaming it on her vulnerable cousin). I assume this is not typical behaviour so he isn't regularly expected to ground her during a visit?

Cross posts. Well if they 50:50 parent that's much worse. Surely he doesn't condone such behaviour from his daughter!

No, only one incident before when she chipped one of DT's teeth by smacking his face into a banister with a bag, he followed through with the punishment then. Her behavior has gone downhill since she moved up into secondary school, he's even mentioned that she's been lying at his.

Smack on the hand and naughty step for a 12 year old are not likely to be effective Mike. I think since access is 50 50 the Dad should have followed through.

He does sound very Disney, and the new XBox was a step too far (zoo also irritating, but might have been already planned).

I hope he's ready for having an uncontrollable teen, for 'divide and rule' parenting is generally held to be a Bad Thing. His first responsibility is to parent his DD, not have the self-gratification of 'fun' all the time. If his ideas of how to spend time with his own DD are so narrow, it is a reflection of his limits (wonder if that's connected with being an ex?)

But all DSis can do is recognise that he is limited and flawed, and work out how to provide the parenting her near-teen needs round him, if it can't be done with him.

The dad is in the wrong obviously. He should have carried on the punishment, its only for 2 weeks for goodness sake and them it all goes back to normal. He is undermining the mum and showing his daughter that its ok to act out because you will always be treated when you see me regardless of what has happened at home. I wonder if the daughter had done something equally as bad at her dads would he expect mum to carry on punishment and would she do it though?? Hmmmm

I'm on the fence, but I think that in general it's best to only set punishments that you can follow through yourself.

He agreed to follow it through so he should have done,

If he had no intention of doing so or disagreed with the punishment impacting on his time he should have worked with the other parent to find an effective punishment that he was happy with.