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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the most annoying pregnancy phrase is ....

57 replies

CormoranStrike · 25/08/2013 08:43

"As long as it is healthy" .....

Do people every stop for a second it think that, you know, maybe it is not?

That perhaps the parent already know from scans, or family history, that it is not or chances are that it is not.

Both my kids were born with conditions, thankfully not life threateningly serious, but life alteringly serious, and requiring surgery, in one case lifelong surgery.

Given the first had this condition, there were good odds the second would have too.

Do people just say this for the sake of something to say?

In my experience most children are not born entirely healthy. The health issue may be relatively mild, but in my family and friendship group we have had babies with club feet, heart conditions, mild asthma, a spina bifida scare, exczema, leg issues, joint issues and everything in between.

Just like adults, all these babies are perfectly normal, well rounded wee humans who happen to not have been born "perfect".

I'm not pregnant BTW, just read the phrase on another thread and it set my teeth in edge again

OP posts:
Belchica · 25/08/2013 23:20

It's a positive statement...'as long as its healthy'...hell yes! Whether its said by the parents or anyone else, why would you bother objecting?? And I've been there, know what it's like to will a desperately poorly, early baby to live, for them not to make it...and to just happily, quietly accept all the 'as long as its healthy' comments after that...

YABU to even consider this an AIBU worth getting het up about

Xmasbaby11 · 25/08/2013 23:26

You are overthinking. Of course every parents wishes for a healthy baby. Why wouldn't they?

I think this phrase is quite poignant because parents do consider this, and do not take it for granted. It does NOT mean they would love the baby less if not completely healthy. I think parents to be can feel anxious and try to prepare themselves for any problems. Parents may say this if they have had problems conceiving or mc or any history which means they do not feel they can take the baby's health for granted. I often thought this (never said it) in my first pregnancy as I was an older mum and just felt so very fortunate to be pregnant at all.

internationallove985 · 25/08/2013 23:26

I am currently TTC and yes even now I already hoping for a healthy baby regardless of gender is that such a terrible thing for a women ttc or a mum to be ask. However I be lucky enough to fall pregnant again and my baby does have health issues. I certainly love it just as much and be as pround to be it's mum.
That's no disrespect at all to parents of children with disabilities. Every child is precious and beautiful. That's something I firmly believe. xx

Teladi · 25/08/2013 23:27

I used to say this when I was pg and I just said it for something to say. However I now feel like hettienne about 'well, you got a healthy baby', so if I was pregnant again, I would probably not use 'as long as it's healthy' either. People would ask in the early days 'how it all went' and I would say I had had a hard time, and they would say 'Oh dear... well, you both seem well', and I really wasn't, and my poor purple-headed baby probably wasn't either in hindsight!

DinoSnores · 26/08/2013 09:44

I've had a stillborn baby due to a condition incompatible with life. I said this all through my subsequent pregnancy with DD2. I just wanted her to survive. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't have wanted her if she wasn't healthy, but I wouldn't have chosen for her to have had health problems if I'd had the choice.

ethelb · 26/08/2013 09:50

YANBU I work for a disability charity and the phrase has really started to turn my stomach. I think people are quite unprepared for potential problems at birth or later on because of this attitude.

LalyRawr · 26/08/2013 09:56

What would you prefer?

"Oh I really hope my baby is born with a disability."

Everyone hopes their child is healthy. It doesn't mean they will love them any less if they are not.

My daughter was still born. When I was pregnant with DD2 I didn't give a flying fuck if she was a boy, girl, kitten or antelope, I just wanted her to be alive. Being healthy was my next wish. Thankfully she was both.

I do think you are over thinking this because frankly I don't know a single person in the world who hasn't hoped their child was born healthy.

Seaweedy · 26/08/2013 09:59

YANBU, but about 90% of the stuff that is considered 'normal pregnancy chit chat' is inane platitudes. I dealt with it by pointing out repeatedly to colleagues and acquaintances that it was not actually obligatory to discuss my pregnancy every time they met me in the lift.

ArgyMargy · 26/08/2013 10:00

"Most children are not born entirely healthy". Are you serious??!

frogspoon · 26/08/2013 10:23

Perhaps it would be better to say:

"I hope it is healthy" rather than "As long as it is healthy"

"As long as" almost implies that if the child is not healthy, it is not wanted.

I don't think it is unreasonable to say you hope that your baby will be healthy, that is the ideal situation.

Sunnysummer · 26/08/2013 10:24

YABU. As said above 'healthy' does not equal 'perfect', and this phrase is really only used when people are trying to be tactful about the baby's sex being ultimately unimportant.

Afaik, this harks back to an older time when they really meant 'so long as the baby makes it', and nothing like 'so long as it doesn't have SEN'.

Blueberryveryberry · 26/08/2013 12:29

The bit from conception until the birth.

Blueberryveryberry · 26/08/2013 12:34

Sorry, I'm on phone didn't see your full title.

Annoying phrase: are you sure it's not twins?

I answered: if there are two, I will give one to you.

HorryIsUpduffed · 26/08/2013 13:25

So true, berry.

I say "triplets probably" whilst thinking "fuck off" and trying to remember that I am bang on for measurements every single time. Have never even been 32cm at 31w.

ethelb · 26/08/2013 16:43

I hope its healthy is fine.

ethelb · 26/08/2013 16:44

Sorry, xpost with Frog!

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/08/2013 16:51

Yabu.

Healthy is a fairly broad term after all.

probablypastit · 26/08/2013 17:01

I haven't posted before but when I saw this thread I was so upset I had to respond. My precious granddaughter died recently from a chromosome disorder so when people now say 'As long as it's healthy', that's exactly what they mean. To have a healthy child is the most important thing to any expectant mother.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/08/2013 17:04

Sorry for your loss probably Flowers

probablypastit · 26/08/2013 17:10

Thank you.

sweetiepie1979 · 26/08/2013 17:37

YABU people are saying I hope everything will be ok, things like eczema club foot tongue tied jaundice and a whole list of other things are not what they are referring to. People are saying I hope you and baby get through it without you haemorrhaging to death and the baby losing a battle with life! It's an old saying! People are do keen to gender choose these days I think it's a good reminder about what's important particularly when there are so many people out there who are struggling to conceive.

exoticfruits · 26/08/2013 18:04

People over analyse common phrases- it makes you too worried to even make a comment about the weather!

SlobAtHome · 26/08/2013 18:15

My job is about gathering health information on infants and children.

I'm sorry to say OP that you are just in a statistically unusual family/friends group. The majority of children are born without health issues these days.

I also think YABU and completely over sensitive. These people are wishing good health on your unborn baby Shock how dare they?!

OwlinaTree · 26/08/2013 18:23

My 1st child died at 3 days old due to birth complications. Am i being unreasonable to want to give birth to my second child and have it healthy enough to survive? I think healthy is a perfectly reasonable desire, not saying perfect, but healthy?

I think you are being a bit narrow in your interpretation of what people mean. 'As long as it's healthy' means such different things to all the pregnant ladies saying it. I'm planning to be saying this an awful lot during my pregnancy, and will be expecting people to fully understand exactly what i mean when i say it.

SarahAndFuck · 26/08/2013 18:59

I think you are being a bit unreasonable and probably over thinking.

Two of my children died. Our first son was stillborn and they could find no reason for his death, so presumably he was healthy but for some unknown reason just not strong enough to survive the full pregnancy.

Our daughter was healthy but born prematurely following a road accident. She was born too early to survive, but other than being very early and very tiny, she had no actual health problems before he premature birth. Although had she survived she probably would have had some very serious ones as a result of being born so early.

When I was pregnant again with DS there were so many people saying to me "Do you want a boy or a girl...I suppose you don't care as long as it's healthy do you?"

And I know that what they really meant was 'alive' rather than 'healthy'. And they were right, we did just want a healthy, living baby. But I'm glad nobody actually said "...as long as it's alive" to me. One person did say "as long as you are both safe" though (I almost died along with my daughter after the accident).

The issues you mention in your first post, they wouldn't have made any difference to how we felt about DS. But I am very glad he doesn't have to live with them because it makes his life easier. But as others have said, healthy doesn't mean perfect, those issues don't mean imperfect.

And I'm sure that even if you know before the birth that your baby has a condition that will impact on it's health, you still hope for the very best that can be. I know someone whose son died because of a terrible condition and she went on to have a daughter with the same condition but much less severe. Still bad enough, but her daughter is alive and happy, even though she needs 24 hour care.

My friend feels that this is the best they could have hoped for, better than they really dared to hope for, given the nature of the condition, and she's happy. Her daughter isn't 'perfect' and some might say she isn't healthy, but she's alive and doing much better than anyone expected. So even though she knew her daughter wasn't going to be 100% healthy, she still hoped and she's thrilled that her hopes for her daughter's health have been exceeded.

I think the thing that might be more justifiably annoying than "as long as it's healthy" is when someone has one or more children of a certain sex and everyone assumes they are wanting one of the opposite. My cousin and his wife have three boys and they are constantly being questioned on when they might try for a girl. When their third son was born (healthy) they were even asked if they were disappointed he wasn't a girl. And no they weren't, they were just happy that he was born healthy and safe.