Aibu to think there's a bad reason I'm this way?

[SkylerRose]

I'm not sure where to begin really. I'm happily married to my dh and I love him to bits but I also suffer from depression.... Whenever I get really down or feel I've done something wrong I like him to hurt me and cause me pain while DTD. I know it's wrong to feel like that but part of me wonders if there is another reason for me feeling like this. My dm remarried an arsewhole of a stoner when I was 6 and looking back now (I'm 26) I have almost no memories of being at home with them. What I do remember was never good but my dm has no memories of these times. I feel I've been screwed up enough without going to counclein to talk about 'repressed' memories. I was just wanting opinions from anyone as to if something like sexual abuse could of hhappened????

When I read what you've written, it sounds like you're in a lot of pain, but maybe under the surface. Not sure anyone can tell you what happened in the time you don't remember. I'm pretty sure that generally people don't forget large parts of their childhood. That doesn't necessarily mean there was sexual abuse, but perhaps there was something you found traumatic.

What you like in bed may or may not be linked.

Going to counselling isn't supposed to make you feel worse though, it's supposed to ultimately feel better, although it can be a difficult thing to do working through the past.

If you want answers, you might be best looking for them with someone supportive by your side who wouldn't judge you and would know how to help you through it. That would probably be a counsellor.

Skyler If it works for you in bed then it's not 'wrong'. There are many women who like that when DTD, don't sweat it on that score.

It 'works' when I'm upset.... I want to be hit / hurt/ called names. I enjoy it at the time but I know it's not right. Rereading what I actually wrote scared me a bit.... Nice to know ppl out there care and think its ok tho. I guess I'm just more scared of finding out why I have such big gaps in my memories ...

I would worry too much about liking being hurt/called names in bed - I think its quite normal for a lot of people. if its what does it for you then that's absolutely fine.