To think expensive gifts are out of order if you do not pay maintenance?

[Inthequietcoach]

DD's dad has not paid maintenance for 5 years. I did not chase as he was made redundant and had a second family to support. He was working on a self-employed basis, and now is working. I asked a couple of times for maintenance, and he has offered to pay £30 a month. He has now given DD an expensive (£200+) gift she does not need ( it replaces something I saved to buy her).

I am having to stop myself driving round there and giving it back. I am utterly pissed off. CSA, I know, but what do I do about the gift?

Please be a bit gentle, I am feeling fragile already, hence not knowing how to react properly.

Do nothing about the gift. It seems to me to be a pride issue on your part although I do understand how frustrated you must be. Will your daughter enjoy it?

Call CSA ASAP.

YANBU

He gets to look like a great Dad by buying a one off extravagant present where a proper 'great Dad' is more likely to pay monthly towards to boring essentials.

But as annoying as it is I'm sure your child is thrilled with the gift as it shows (to her) that her Dad does love and care for them. I'd let them keep the gift but would bitch about him to the high heavens over a shared bottle of wine with a friend.

Thank you. It is helpful to have another perspective because the maintenance issue already upset me. I assumed he would be reasonable once he had a steady job again. This seems to rub my face in it, whereas yes, I need to see it from DD's perspective. But seriously, she needs so many other things, like school uniform.

My friend did get a laugh though, she said it made her realise she was not the worst in the world at picking men.

Yanbu. Been there myself.

Is he still se? Makes it difficult to use csa if he is. Easier if he is employed.

I would allow the gift to stay but tell him she actually needs uniform/clothes/bedroom furniture/swimming lessons or whatever and in view of the fact he can afford £200 for a gift she doesn't need he can afford to contribute to something she does need.

And that in future you would appreciate consulting before he spends more than £30 a month as anymore than that and you expect the maintenance to go up by the same amount.

It was a huge issue for me when my exp was working. Designer clothes, ridiculously expensive toys, days out when I was working p/t, paying for childcare and trying to save up the first month's rent and deposit on a house.

I didn't get a penny of maintenance as he used to change jobs as soon as the attachment of earni ngs order caught up with him. And still expected me to provide nappies, wet wipes and 4 changes of clothes for one overnight contact.

And left my lovely maclaren pram at his friends house for a week. Resulting in me carrying or babystepping an 18 month old to nursery 1 mile away and stables a mile the other way for a week.

Bitter much? Lol. These things drive us demented at the time but now I am 1000 times happier than him as he's a wanker and I'm not.

Sell the item and use it to buy stuff you actually need? When you say it replaces something you saved to get her, do you mean she already has one of these things?

Not defending him in any way, but an expensive gift doesn't mean he paid full price. SIL was really chuffed at a new iPod she got from PIL for her birthday. I saw a few weeks ago one of their friends selling a suspiciously similar one on Facebook for half price it was in the shops because they were desperate for the cash!

I would not sell it you will never be forgiven and the ex will use it as an excuse to withhold financial support for the rest of the time he is liable.

Its frustrating but not much you can do about it apart from obviously the csa given that talking does not appear to be working.

Gift wise just ignore and try not to let it bother you.

This is wonderful news! There you were feeling guilty about chasing for maintenance but actually he has loads of spare cash! Excellent. No more guilt!

Now go to the CSA.

I used to get a bit narked at the ex flashing his cash with the DC - now I just try to ignore it.

I haven't seen a penny off him in 5 years, nor will I ever. The kids might as well get something out of him at least! It's better than nothing.

No, I already considered selling was not an option, nor is giving it back. CSA and ignoring.
It is something she already has but with a bigger screen and more memory.
I just said to him what I thought which was not very sensible.

mum, you made me smile. Thing is, he doesn't have loads of cash. He says he saved to buy it. I just said it would have paid for school uniform.

I feel for you, my ex does this and it's very frustrating. Pays a pitiful amount of maintenance and lavishes expensive gifts etc on DS.

For those of you saying go to CSA...if he's self employed it's easy enough to dodge payment. That's what mine does.

It sounds like you handled it fine btw. Don't blame yourself for reacting, you're only human.

Thank you, but no, not sure I have handled it well. He is annoyed and said he was going to terminate the conversation before he said something stupid. I have said nothing in five years. There are lots of things I could say. I am worn out by it all.

Special
Classic gift ambush.giving your dd something that makes you look bad if you complain.
Any chance you can sell her older one on gumtree? Know it is not really about the money at all as much as the message but at least if you get a few bob for the old one it may teach dd something about not needing two of things and go a tiny way to buying uniform more wine

Go to CSA if you think they will be ble to get something out of him. Even if it is just so they tell him and you how much he should be paying.

Although brace yourself for a backlash.

And don't be too down on yourself for reacting.
If he knows this is the only thing that has got to you to react in five years then at least you can take some small satisfaction that it us probably not something he can afford to keep up. and you have done amazingly well not to bite before.

quietcoach - that is v v frustrating. Do you think there was an intent behind it, or just plain uselessness?

Oh mink, yes, you are right, it is the first time I have actually snapped since he left, and only because I am frazzled. He did contribute the first few years, just never saw dd much. Now he sees her a bit more, so I did not want acrimony, hence saying nothing when he was self-employed. But he started on every time I saw him about his new job, how tired he was, so I brought up the subject, plus the money would help. I wish I had not snapped, though.

pony, I don't know. Maybe he just wanted to get her a nice gift because he is working now. But it came across as taking the piss.