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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about walking etiquette

22 replies

Procrastinating · 24/08/2013 17:43

Me, dh & 3dc going to see dad and his wife tomorrow (they have been married about 5 yrs, my parents divorced when I was 6). We stay in a hotel nearby and see them in the day time, then we have dinner at their house. Dinner involves my dad's wife cooking, sitting down to eat briefly and then she washes up & always refuses offers of help. She doesn't bother with us beyond cooking but that is fine.

The day time bit of the visit almost always involves going for a walk. We meet my dad & his wife somewhere, as soon as she gets out of the car she marches off and we all all follow behind. My dad's wife is a speck in the distance all the way and I feel utterly offended and pissed off every time. I don't enjoy the day and I find it difficult to talk to my dad because I'm so upset. AIBU? Is this a normal way to behave when walking in a group and am I over-reacting?

She clearly doesn't want to know us, and that is OK to an extent, but the marching off seems just so bloody rude. If AINBU can anyone tell me what I should do about it? (I already tried changing the activity but she didn't want to.)

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 24/08/2013 17:45

My first reaction is that this means you get to walk with your dad on his own and chat.

LemonBreeland · 24/08/2013 17:48

Yes she is being rude, but why let it get to you? Accept she is not interested and enjoy that yu don't have to share your Dad with her.

Is it possible that she might actually be letting you have time with your Dad?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 24/08/2013 17:48

Change the activity and if she doesn't want to join you, that's up to her. She's not exactly joining you now is she?!

What is your relationship with your Dad like? I'd either say to him pretty much what you have said here or just say 'We will be at x and we'd love you to join us'.

It's a shame she is like this, but you can't change her, only what you tolerate.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 24/08/2013 17:49

Also, I'd just go out for dinner & take your Dad, if you can afford to.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 24/08/2013 17:49

Or better still - get your Dad to come to you for the weekend.

ExitPursuedByABear · 24/08/2013 17:52

Very odd. Can't you talk to your Dad about it?

She may be giving you time together. She may dislike you. But why bother going?

LemonBreeland · 24/08/2013 17:55

X post ivykaty. I think I have trouble understanding your upset as my Dad had a bloody awful ex wife and girlfriend and I would have loved them to have buggered off and let me spend time with my Dad.

TartanRug · 24/08/2013 17:58

Why dont you ask her? I am very non confrontational but I am direct and would have no problem saying 'why do you not walk with us' and see what she says.

IWipeArses · 24/08/2013 18:05

Arrange different activities. She probably feels that by coming along along she is joining you, but feels uncomfortable so lets you be together.

Original poster

Procrastinating · 24/08/2013 18:05

Thanks everyone. If we didn't go we wouldn't see my dad much. He comes to visit us on his own one or two weekends a year, but not otherwise, despite many invitations.

If she is trying to give me time with my dad why does she come along on the walks? She doesn't have to. My instinct when she marches off is to turn round and walk the other way. But we have to sit with them at a cafe afterwards (briefly) and I have to be polite, I find that very difficult.

I can't talk to my dad about it as we are not that close, so two options so far: insist we change the activity or ask her why. Are you sure I can't just walk the opposite way? (childish)

OP posts:

Lweji · 24/08/2013 18:10

You are visiting your father, why does it matter that she walks off?
Maybe she is trying not to intrude?
Have you asked your dad?

Or engage with her next time before she walks off.
Maybe she feels excluded by you.

Lweji · 24/08/2013 18:11

Maybe she's someone who needs time alone for herself. You should respect that, if she's usually polite.

Lweji · 24/08/2013 18:12

Or she needs a power walk.

Original poster

Procrastinating · 24/08/2013 18:13

Lweji I am very nice to her and always show an interest in her in the hope that she might start being nice back. She can't feel excluded because my dad doesn't really talk to me much.

God, it sounds grim. The children like him and he is their only grandfather so that's why I keep organising these visits.

OP posts:

trashcanjunkie · 24/08/2013 18:18

is there any way you could try and keep up with her? I have a friend who 'dies inside' when out walking if she doesn't go really fast. She sounds odd. Sorry for you!

blueemerald · 24/08/2013 18:23

I would most definitely turn around and go the other way, or stop in a cafe or pub. Mobiles exist now so she can find you. When she arrives you can just smile sweetly, buy her a coffee and ask about her walk.

Original poster

Procrastinating · 24/08/2013 18:23

I like your thinking trashcan but the youngest dc is 3 so can't walk that fast. Maybe I could let dh take over with the children and I could walk EVEN FASTER than her. Or keep up with her so she has to talk to me.

OP posts:

RubyrooUK · 24/08/2013 18:58

Being a step-parent is awkward and sometimes you don't know where to put yourself, I think.

Both my stepmum and stepdad have done this walking ahead thing while out and about to try and give me time with my parent. (Even though I have never actually asked for this or suggested it.) They think it would be rude not to come on the walk but then think they should be somehow out of sight.

Why not try saying "Slow down X! We can't talk to you when you are so far ahead and I wanted to ask you about....." Perhaps if you drew her into conversation, she would feel confident that you wanted her around. It took my stepmum a couple of years to figure out that we were happy to see her and our relationship has improved in leaps and bounds as she has felt more welcomed, then been more welcoming in turn, and so on.

(I am not saying you have been at all unwelcoming by the way, just that people sometimes feel awkward in a step situation.)

If she doesn't respond, then yes, she is being rude or uninterested. But before deciding that is the case, I'd probably consider that she was awkward and needed to be drawn into the group a bit.

I'd give it a try in the hope of improving the visits anyway.

Original poster

Procrastinating · 24/08/2013 20:33

Thanks Ruby that actually makes it easier to deal with.

OP posts:

Justforlaughs · 24/08/2013 21:02

WHat Ruby said, I assume that if she wasn't interested she wouldn't bother going for the walk in the first place. How about a game of tennis doubles for a change?

RubyrooUK · 24/08/2013 21:55

Just to add, OP, that it took my stepmum a while to warm up to me (and I think I am a nice person). I thought she was extremely stand-offish.

She also used to do all the cooking and refuse help when we went over. At first I thought it was to avoid us. Then I realised that actually it was because she found it a bit intimidating and awkward when we were all there with my dad. Even though I wasn't particularly close to my dad at the time, we naturally joked, bantered and mentioned the past in a way that accidentally excluded her. She just didn't know what to say so kept out of the way. You can't manufacture a family relationship immediately, especially with grown up children.

It was a few years of me trying very hard to be inclusive and my stepmum trying to disappear into the background. Then I noticed she would let me wash up, or hang back and chat a bit more on walks. Eventually she needed to come to where we live and came to stay on her own with us for a night. My DH and I had a lovely long chat with her and I found out lots more about her, which helped me know what to ask about in future.

That was about five years ago. When my DS1 was born three years ago, she asked if she could be one of his grannies - and has been a devoted one ever since - and recently her teenage sister also came to stay with us. Being a legitimate granny has given her more confidence than ever with me and now she contacts me independently of my dad to arrange stuff.

Obviously I'm not suggesting you will have the same experience as me but I just wanted to put forward another view of why she might be a bit odd with you and how persevering can make a difference.

(Sorry for all this positivity if she is just a cow. )

trashcanjunkie · 24/08/2013 22:50

oh good luck with it all!

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