To be having sleepness nights over this,feeling sick with worry

[bongobaby]

I cant sleep, eat or think straight at the moment and I'm very anxious for my dc. Next week exp is going on trial for hurting very badly someone and is facing a possible jail term. I only recently found out that he has been out on bail for this for some months now. Had I of known earlier I would of not let contact go ahead and have been kept in the dark from this, of which I am very concerned for the now safety of my dc.
However I'm on edge as if he does go to jail how do I say to dc about it?
What do I say to dc that now contact is going to stop because of what exp has been charged with... Shit shit shit don't know what to do for the best and not upset my dc..

How old are your children?

How old are your kids? I would opt to tell them the truth. It is the only way. Sit them down and tell them that their dad has done something bad and hurt someone. He needs to go to court and a judge will decide if he has been bad enough to go to prison as punishment. Because he has been bad and hurt someone they can't go and visit him right now. It won't be easy but you owe it to them to be honest.

You don't say how old your children are or what he has been charged with, but if your children were in danger, the police or local probation trust would have been in touch and ensured his contact was stopped.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I can only advise that you are as honest with your children as is appropriate for their age/maturity.

No advice but didn't want to read and run, this must be a horrible time for you, try and keep positive and take some time out for yourself to try and get your head around the situation.

One dc who is primary age. he has been charged with very serious domestic violence charge and sexual assault. the authority's have been in touch of which I have a solicitors visit next week regarding future contact.

I think you need to be clear in your own mind what exactly is happening. Who has accused him?Presumably there were witnesses and police involved? Agree with PP that you give a calm, child friendly version of the truth. Daddy has been involved in a fight. Police are trying to find out if he hurt someone, and while the are finding out your dc can't see him. I would only mention prison if that happens, or if your son asks. Say you don't know, it depends what they find out.

I'd also stress to him that you know it must be difficult for your son and that if he has any more questions or worries he can ask you any time and you will do your best to answer them.

bongobaby so sorry that you have to go through such a stressful time.

Just a thought, would it be better for your DC if you don't say anything until you know the outcome of the trial. For example if there is not currently any apparent disruption to DCs contact, wouldnt it be kinder to reduce the duration of worry and upset, by not mentioning anything for the coming days, at least.

In my experience, children handle concrete facts better than concepts that are not yet real. So once you know what the outcome of the trial is, then will be the time to share some age appropriate information with DC, specifically in terms of his/her world and how it will affect him/her.

I agree with magichouse prison may not be relevant if your ExH is ordered to do community service and does not actually go to prison, so you can spare DC even hearing that word (which is scary).

I've been at the childs end of something similar - I knew something was going on, but not exactly what. I still don't know as my father has never talked to me about it or explained.

So from personal experience I would answer any and all questions as fully as you are able (within what you think your child would understand, of course, so describing it as 'hurting' rather than abuse etc.) and how this will affect any contact. You will probably have questions in the years to come as well, as your child grows up and what they want to know changes.