DD, exdh and a holiday nightmare - aibu and what should i do.

[watchforthesnail]

DD (7) has just come back from her dads, they had a few days away.
Shes just told me that they went away with woman a, man b, woman a's heavily disabled child and her carer.

That in itself isnt an issue.

Except i find out DD has forced to share a room with the carer, who is an young adult.

woman a has been investigated by social services a number of times. Man b is a transexual who goes to the local truck stop and has sex with men while woman a watches.

My ex and man b have been friends a long time, because my ex felt sorry for him. I knew he still had dealings with him, but not to the point that my 7 year old child was sharing a caravan with him for 4 nights.

It makes me very very uncomftable.

AIBU over this?
( and what the fuck can i do about it.... and i think i know the answer to that is not much)

this is not a slur on his sexuality, i have several very close gay and lesbian friends, its just the morals surrounding this.

Man b also has a website of him posing ( with bits all showing) in womens underwear.

It would make me uncomfortable to, and if they were going away with others he should have mentioned it before, not after. What has dd said about the holiday?

Just checking DD was sharing a room with a carer(female?), not Man B?

YABU to judge anyone on their private sexual practices IMO s'long as all involved are consenting adults.

That is not to say you may not have numerous other valid concerns regarding the couple or the room sharing.

Actually flame away but I think yanbu being uncomfortable with man b, I would not be happy with dcs being around someone who fucks random truckers while people watch.

Who was she sharing a room with?. You say the carer, but I'm not sure who that is. Is it a "professional" CRB checked carer, or just someone from the family.

What has the woman been investigated by SS for?

You should have been informed who was going to be staying in the caravan with your 7yo imo. What was the ss investigation for and what was the outcome of it? What has dd said about the holiday, were there actually any problems with any of these people?

As for what you can do about it now, I suppose not let her go on holiday with the ex again?

she shared a room with the carer,i have no idea who this is, if its family, or a friend, or a professional carer.

She was investigated for neglect.

i dont know if there were any problems with these people. i just know that i myself feel uncomfortable in their company.

And i cant believe that this happend and my child was with these people for 3 days,and that my exdh thought that was acceptable.

I am sorry, it is not nice for you that your DD went on holiday with people you know this about.

I tried to stop my ExH letting my DD meet his GF, but was told by my solicitor that if I had no reason to stop her going to his care, then I had to trust that he would not let anyone who she came in to contact with harm her.

I am sure the situation with someone under investigation for neglect my SS would be the same too, after all, this person was not taking care of your DD, her dad was.

Peoples sex lives, with truckers or otherwise, do not generally affect their dealings with 7 year old girls.

mammatj - i know that will be the case :(

it just makes me feel cross and sad.

Its not just his sex life, like his fb profile has a a female name, which implies oral sex. hes got a website full of porn shots of himself.
hes literally the most sleezy man you have ever met and ive known him 15 odd years, he used to make my skin crawl, and one of the tihngs i was pleased about when i divorced my ex was that i didnt have to see this man again..... I dont for a second think he would pose any risk, its just it turns my stomach to think that my child has been on holiday with him.

the being forced into a room with an adult carer also isnt making me feel great.

nor the woman who was investigated by ss.

i feel very very upset.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think yab a little bit u.

I was 'investigated by SS' based on lies and malicious reports. SS found me to be a good mum and DP to be a good dad. We were still investigated by SS though. We still have our children, sounds like this woman has her child too.

I am sure the man does make you feel uneasy. I have a gay friend who has a 'female alter ego'. She has her own FB page, which I have seen but not liked. He sees my DC. He does not talk about his sex life, his cross dressing or even 'Roxanne' in front of them. I imagine this man did not discuss his truckers, his cross dressing or even show your DD his FB page.

What has your DD said about the holiday? Did anything make her feel uncomfortable?

"hes literally the most sleezy man you have ever met and ive known him 15 odd years, he used to make my skin crawl, and one of the tihngs i was pleased about when i divorced my ex was that i didnt have to see this man again."

I'd be extremely unhappy with this too.

What's the relationship with your ex like? Was there no communication between you about or during the holiday?

But why should their sex lives be anything to do with how they act around your DD? Your personal feeling of being "creeped out" is just that - your personal feeling. As long as they don't discuss their sex lives with your DD, I really don't see the problem.

Her dad has just as much right as you do to spend time with her, and when she's in his care, it's upto him who she's around. You trusted him enough to marry him and have a child with him, so trust that he won't do anything to hurt your DD.

no, i knew he was away, he said i couldnt call. now i know why.

social services are still heavily involved with this woman, but i think its more in regards to the help she needs for one of her children.

i think if they had just spent a day with them, then i would have been unhappy but ok. its jsut that they spent 4 nights with them in the same accomadation. and again dd being forced into a room with a carer who she had never met.

Regardless of his sex life the fact is he is someone who makes you feel massively uneasy.

It's said on here all the time - trust your instinct.

I don't know where you stand with making sure you have some say in who your child spends time with when with your ex.

I know ds's dad would never do anything that made me uncomfortable and vice versa - could you not just have a chat with him?

Oh I just saw that he said you couldn't call? Is that normal?

Are you ok with that? If you are (and dd is) then fine but seems weird to me.

Actually I think we should reply more on our feelings of being "creeped out" we dismiss things for the sake of being politically correct too often.

I don't believe the his sexual proclivities makes him a child molester but I do think that someones sexuality and the way they live that area of their life can never be a totally separate "box" not affecting their general personality. His choices would not sit comfortably in my morality, his "sleaziness" I could not ignore and I would not want my DC around that.

However pps are right i'm not sure what you can do about it other than if your ex is reasonable enough to listen to your wishes.

livinginwonderland that's a very naive view. Just because a man has been married and has a child, it doesn't mean he is able to make good decisions or has outstanding morals - why do you think there are so many EX husbands (& wives too - I'm not saying it's just men)? It's not because they are paragons of virtue

watchforthesnail

I know that people's sex lives are their private business - well - they should be, he seems to think the rest of the world wants to know about it and see it. I would absolutely judge someone who plastered this shit all over facebook/website as being someone I DO NOT want around my children.

I know that cross dressing, having sex with strangers/truckies while someone else watches etc & even plastering it all over facebook does not make him a paedophile. However this bloke really creeps you out and your ex knows this.

I'm not surprised you are really upset. I would be furious if my child was taken on holiday with someone my ex knows creeps me out the way he does you (with just cause, which your ex has acknowledged). I would be slightly less furious if the child had been with her Dad the whole time and had slept with him - but not much. Then add in female a & an unknown carer - who could be anyone - crb checked or not (not worth the paper they are written on, they simply give a false sense of security). Livid.

I would ask him what the actual fuck he thought he was doing & I would be telling him that due to his inability to make safe decisions regarding DD he would have to take me back to court to get unsupervised access with her. Tomorrow morning I would be on the phone to my solicitor to draft up a letter to that effect.

Has DD said anything that concerns you?

DD has said she is fine, which i supose i shall have to accept.

My ex was abusive in all senses of the word, he has never touched DD.
If i say anything, nothing will happen other than a massive arguement, and then things will be bad for ages, which isnt good for dd.

unfortunatley this is the position i find myself in for quite a lot of the time, letting things slide because i dont want to rock the boat for DD's sake.

i have not stopped her time with her dad and shes just come back from 2.5 weeks away with him, so please dont make me out to be some bitter harridan.

Oh, poor you. Actually the sharing a room with the adult carer would probably be the second best option (female, crb checked etc), though certainly not ideal for either of them. Particularly not for the carer who would have needed her own child free space after spending all day looking after a disabled child. The first and best option would have perhaps been the other child on the trip.

It's a tough one OP because this (rather sleazy) man's sexual habits are nothing to do with you, your DD or anyone else, unless these behaviours are impacting directly on your DC.

The issue of the women who has Social Care involvement re neglect, is not an issue unless she has been tasked with giving care to your DC.

This is not the case. your exdh has care of your child during the trip. Nevertheless, you are not being entirely unreasonable feeling a little bit uncomfortable with the arrangements.

I think the most important way to judge whether YABU is to find out whether your DD was bothered by any of the arrangements. Did she have a good time and was she happy on the trip?

If no, then it would be perfectly reasonable to be angry with your DH.

DD couldnt have shared with the other child. She is severely disabled and needs almost round the clock care.

I think you should go with your gut. Creepy sleazy people are not who I'd want my dd around. Who knows what conversations the group had a bout stuff you feel dd is too young to hear?
How far does it go that ex is able to do what he wants with dd because its his time?
I don't agree with that at all, she shouldn't have to be damaged just to keep the peace with dh.
I would get professional advice and really put dd first and not worry about making things awkward.
Dd may also be saying she is fine because she doesn't know what else to say, she will also be trying to people please and even if she felt uncomfortable she may not have the emotional security to recognise why.
The very fact ex knew you wouldn't like it and kept it a secret also would concern me.

I think the critical issue here is your ExH taking your DD away and failing to tell you (presumably because he knew that you would not be happy) who would also be there.

At age 7, I would expect to know who my child was with, whether she was also with ExH or not.