Am I expecting too much from dp?

[rebeccaton]

I have a genetic heart condition which I've suffered from for 15 years. I've been with dp for 10 years. 4 years ago I had to have a defibrillator implanted due to potentially dangerous arrythmias. Apart from the irregular heartbeat, I have never really suffered any other symptoms.

Last week I had my regular appt with cardiologist and it looks like my condition might be going down the negative route in terms of prognosis. Many people with my condition live for many years into old age and I kind of hoped that I'd be one of them, but now am very very doubtful that this will be the case. According to 'google' the latest findings on my heart scan equates to higher morbidity and mortality. Has kept me awake until early hours for last 3 days and I'm pissed off with worrying about it.

Problem is, I have absolutely no-one to talk to, no friends nor family that I could share this information. The only person is my dp. He's never been there for me emotionally but he tries I guess.

So the plan was (my plan, he just agreed) that we would reduce our drinking so my heart didn't get any worse. We did tend to binge on a Friday night which I know is not good for my heart but which I did anyway...

We talked about doing other things instead..going out for meals, takeaway etc. So what does he do for the first Friday after my heart appt? He gets bloody pissed and doesn't seem to get why I'm so upset. I suggested getting a pizza in but he just continued drinking. I'm so very disappointed. However, this is where i need advice which i cant share with anyone else as i have no-one else to share it with! Is it too much to ask from someone that they change a habit of a lifetime just because another person can't continue doing it? Or should I not expect a sudden change in the first weekend? Both of us didn't expect the latest heart results so is a bit of a shock, but tbh he seems to take it all in with a pinch of salt rather that actually worrying about my future.

I'm so sorry to hear your news. That must be so hard for you to cope with. I completely understand why you are feeling upset with your Dp. Could it be that he is drinking alot to cope with his own feelings about your news or does he always do this? Really, really do stick to the plan yourself though. I have had problems with my heart myself and literally barely drink at all as any alcohol seems to irritate my own arrythmia.

Oh I'm deffo going to stick with my plan. Just thought I would have a helping hand iykwim. It's certainly not a case of drinking to cope with his own feelings, actually would make it easier for me if that was the case. Sadly I think it's just a case of him wanting to carry on with his Friday night session.

Then I'm afraid I think that is really unsupportive....almost unbelievably so. I feel really sad for you. Have you told him that you feel let down?

It may be a learning curve for him.

Ie if it's a new way of life for him then he may need a while to adjust.

He will be supportive I'm sure, but maybe it's hard to do it instantly.

Don't have any insight into what you are going through but didn't want to read and run.

Really sorry about your results and your dh's lack of reaction. I think another chat with him is in order. If I need to chat to dh I try and do it when out for a meal as he is less likely to get distracted (by the tv or x-box).

Hope he is more understanding in the very near future.

Thanks :) I really hope it's just a case of adjusting otherwise he's going to make the change very difficult for me :( I'll try tomorrow and talk to him when he's sober. Thanks

It sounds like a difficult situation all round and I am very sorry that you are going through this. Could it be that he's actually not handling the situation that well and this is a form of denial? Perhaps that's why he seems to be taking the results with a pinch of salt - if you look healthy and don't have symptoms, he may have just been pushing this whole situation to the back of his mind and can't handle having to confront it by making lifestyle changes which would acknowledge the reality of it all.

I don't have any insight either, but it's such a scary situation for you, I can understand why you need support from your DH.

It's easy for him to yeah/yeah about cutting down, but it's difficult in reality when that's his poison - and something you've both enjoyed doing.

A small part of me thinks it's a bit unrealistic (rather than unreasonable) to be pissed off at him for not doing what you've asked, you were happy joining in before you got this update when you knew you had the condition, but then you have to look after yourself.

I thought the same as Lila, that he's doing it to drown it out, but he should want to at least make an effort even if it doesn't last that long.

Could the first few drinks have given him an excuse to banana skid into getting pissed? That sober he agrees with you, but a couple of drinks could change that?

I'm sorry you've had bad news about your condition rebecca, that sounds really scary.

I would hope my partner would support me in making a difficult change by joining in with me, as it sounds like you both indulged in an unhealthy habit and now it's become part of your routine as a couple so it could probably benefit both of you.

Ultimately you're responsible for your own health though so please keep off the booze even if he carries on drinking. I guess you can talk to him sober and see how he feels.

I think I'd want him to be honest with me though; I'd rather hear "I would find it very difficult to give up alcohol completely, but I will support you by not drinking around you" or something than "Yes of course let's give up alcohol" and he then promptly goes and gets pissed.