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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How long do you stay at a funeral/wake?

18 replies

TheSunTheMoonTheTruth · 22/08/2013 22:51

A once upon a time good friend died last week. He was young (40s), it was sudden. He was a friend we new quite well socially many years ago. DH knew him for longer than I did, but probably not more intimately. He was a popular guy in a local area and as such his funeral today has proven to be full of people who have known him through the years. He was a good egg and a lot of people are going to miss him.

DH went as our 'representative' so to speak as all those who would normally look after the children were either going too, or working. DH said he was going to have a drink and celebrate his life. He then hesitated, whether seeing as we have not seen him for such a long time it would be appropriate, then, as a lot of those we know who also haven't seen him for a while are going, decided he would go after all. I was pleased as thought it fitting that all his friends from his lifetime, those who he touched were there.

So, it happens that as a result of this, there are quite a few people with a similar idea, and who we have not seen for a while, some for many many years.

I spoke to DH at around 6pm to see how it went. He sounded pretty coherent. He was raving about having met with some people we haven't seen for years, old good friends, and was not planning on coming home from the wake any time soon. He said 'around 9 isn?

So, he is not home yet. Which means he has been drinking since 3pm or so. He is gonna be fucking hammered.

Do you really go and get hammered at a wake for someone who you haven't seen for a while, when actually you are using it to socialise with old friends? Having a good time? Hasn't he overdone his 'paying his respects'? It's not about going out like a normal catch-up with old pals and having a fucking great time is it?

I am asking honestly, as the only other funeral I have been to was my mum's, and the wake was at my sister's house not a pub, and I couldn't wait to get out of the place having drank one glass of wine so I really don't know what the 'done' thing is? I expect he personally won't be overstaying his welcome as there will be lot of people drinking booze this afternoon (200+ people went to the funeral, so probably more to the wake after).

OP posts:

goodasitgets · 22/08/2013 22:56

I went to a funeral this week which was at 3pm. Wake was in a pub and still going (a lot less people though) at 1am

Sirzy · 22/08/2013 22:57

If its people he hasn't seen for a long time then of course there will be an element of catching up.

There is no right or wrong in these situations it's very much a take things as they come type thing.

Original poster

TheSunTheMoonTheTruth · 22/08/2013 22:57

is that when you left? 1am?

ok. So on that basis, IABU. or just grumpy

OP posts:

Sanctimummy · 22/08/2013 22:58

Well they'll all be telling stories from the good old days and reminiscing on good times had with the departed.

This does happen to be quite normal after a funeral.

Original poster

TheSunTheMoonTheTruth · 22/08/2013 22:58

good and I certainly imagine there will be a significant number of people drinking til the wee hours just wasn't expecting DH to be one of them, and nor did he

OP posts:

Original poster

TheSunTheMoonTheTruth · 22/08/2013 22:59

ok, so, rather than be cross, should I just get him the duvet for the sofa and put out a glass of water and some painkillers?

OP posts:

Original poster

TheSunTheMoonTheTruth · 22/08/2013 23:00

and I wouldn't expect it to be anything like my poor mum's sobre wake. This guy was the life and soul of a party and lived to have fun, so he certainly would expect everyone to get absolutely hammered.

OP posts:

BrokenSunglasses · 22/08/2013 23:01

In my experience of funerals, which have mostly been for Scottish relatives and friends who have died very young, the celebrations of a life have gone on till late.

Garcia10 · 22/08/2013 23:03

Completely different situation to that of your mother's funeral.

This is funeral of a relatively young man. I remember that of my cousin who died at only 18. It was a difficult day and we drank too much and stayed long. It was a way of getting together and reminiscing about his life and the good times we had with him.

This is just a one off. I can't believe that you are being so precious.

I am a similar age to your deceased friend and I hope that at my wake that people drink far too much and stay out all night.

missingmumxox · 22/08/2013 23:07

one of the things that makes a good wake are meeting people from the past, it really is the celebration of a persons life when you do that, I noticed after my Dad funeral the people from his life in the 60's just came for a quick drink and bite to eat (funeral at 12) then left paying their respects I didn't know them. they remembered me as a baby in the 70's, told me a couple of tails, we found them several hours later, after closer family and friends had left about 9 in our local, just reliving being young they finally left about 12.30am these where men in their early and late 70's my Dad was the baby of the group dying at 67, maybe we will never meet again we haven't for 40 years? until the next funeral and it will be one of us? and that maybe the same for DH.

Original poster

TheSunTheMoonTheTruth · 22/08/2013 23:15

garcia I'm not really being precious. Although I know this is AIBU so it's gonna get some claws out. I know it's different to that of my mother's hence the reason for me saying that's all I had to compare it to. Honestly, not all AIBU have to be full of grumpiness.

OP posts:

goodasitgets · 22/08/2013 23:17

I left v early because I didn't know anyone at the wake but the people that stayed appear to have had almighty hangovers
I was also driving so not drinking!

Garcia10 · 22/08/2013 23:26

Sorry TheSun - I didn't mean it to come across as having 'my claws out' just wanted to share from my personal experience that this is perfectly normal behaviour.

If you died tomorrow what would you want you funeral to be like? As I said I would want everyone to celebrate my life, remember the times we had together when I was young and basically having a good a time as possible.

I'd hate to think my friends' partners were wondering why they were staying out so late whilst they were catching up with mutual friends. Life is short and should be lived.

Original poster

TheSunTheMoonTheTruth · 22/08/2013 23:48

It's all good. He is now home. Along with several of those old friends

Unfortunately I am sick as a dog, so not great timing for me, I look like shite and had to dip out after 10 mins as I had to throw up! Typical. These guys are from up country so won't see them for years...

OP posts:

Whoknowswhocares · 22/08/2013 23:55

I'm going to the funeral of a very close friend tomorrow. Before she died she left us all strict instructions to have a party, not a wake.
None of us will feel like doing it, but we will, in her honour. I don't expect to be home either sober or before midnight
Yabu

missingmumxox · 23/08/2013 00:00

garcia I am with you although not with the precious :) but I knew you didn't mean it that way,

I actually deleted the last line of my post as I thought is could sound a bit crass, but I will say it now, just to explain, I love a funeral, they are better than Weddings not because someone has died but it is truly a no nonsense day about the person you loved, the only down side is that they are not there.
every one laughs, jokes, cries and it is all about the person who died.
elderly Friends and relative that would only appear for an hour for so at a wedding if at all, will make a real effort to come to a funeral and you get to talk to them and they tell you stories you never heard before about them and the person who died and this includes young peoples funerals.

Children's funerals a bit different, but in the main I have never been to a unhappy funeral, they have been sombre to start with as is right, but celebrating the life is the best.

alcohol wise in my family we use sherry, not something I would normally drink but I always liken it's effects to a cosy duvet...okay I am getting into strange territory here, but it gives me a nice fuzziness.

OrangeLily · 23/08/2013 00:03

I have been to wakes that lasted well in to the wee hours. Some of my worst hangovers have been after wakes.

MrsSchadenfreude · 23/08/2013 00:04

I want to go out to Agadoo, and have everyone pushing pineapple and shaking the tree as they exit the crematorium.

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