Upset about dealing with pregnancy alone.

[knotenough]

I'm an expat, "trailing" DH. This spring we had to move countries. It was two years before we expected to have to move ("have" because with his job we don't have too much say in this and his position doesn't exist working locally anywhere). DC1 was 18 months and I was pregnant. The whole thing was incredibly stressful, not helped by me not wanting to move until after baby was born, but not an option.

So we move and one week later I'm back in old country to see midwife. She spots a problem, I see the dr and am allowed home, but put on modified bed rest for next 11 weeks. I suddenly can't look after DS1 as can't lift him, or move that much so mornings he goes to a local crèche that seems v nice but it's something I hadn't wanted to do for another year. I knew he'd be fine, but I was heartbroken that he was away from me before I was ready (he wasn't ready either, but he's happy now).

We'd been in new country a week at this point.

MIL came to help out. She's very helpful in the house and with DC1, so good person to have around we thought (and kind of her to come - my own DM didn't offer for weeks).

I was having a really tough time. Shortened cervix and regular contractions that came if I moved or was stressed/upset. It was not at a point that was "dramatic" the Dr said, but it was serious and if I didn't follow orders I'd either end up in hospital or with a preemie and he was certain of that (midwife wanted me admitted to hospital then and there). I was also told that if I felt that things were getting better, I could move more, but just a little and not to push it. So, I did as I was told.

I found it INCREDIBLY stressful. I basically felt that if I inadvertently did too much (went to the loo once to many times, went downstairs for dinner) that I could end up causing the death of my baby or serious health problems or at the very least spend the first few weeks of its life watching it through a plastic box. I felt that it would be entirely my fault and so I was cautious.

DH didn't think about the consequences of me doing too much until I spelled out what life would be like with a preemie in hospital. I was flipping furious with him for not thinking what it would be like to be me, never mind being stuck at home in a new country with one friend who is lovely and visited and brought me lovely gifts, but was one person, not a support network and missing DC1 (creche in morning then out in afternoon with MIL because he would try to jump all over me). DH also wasn't touching me, holding me, sitting with me, nothing. So some of this anger came out over the weeks.

MIL seemed to also think it was important for me to follow orders, but have no understanding at all of the stress I felt every time I had a contraction. It could have been BH or a real one and there was no way of knowing. There was an increasing "air" that I was being unreasonable to be moody or angry with DH, because I was having so much help from her and DH. DH told me I was essentially imagining it, she was being supportive.

Eventually, after she'd gone and after some more arguments, DH admitted that she thought I was doing less than I could have been and that was unfair to him. He sort of agreed with her at the time and then later said he was wrong and he didn't realise how worried I'd been. This to me is total BS because I'm extremely good in conveying how I feel about things.

So now we have a healthy baby and a great birth experience. I know I'm extremely lucky and I'm thankful every time I look at her. I can't get rid of the anger I feel though at having to deal with it myself. The house and DS1 were well taken care of, but the fact I was so isolated and the health of the baby was resting on me solely still makes me cry. I was in a shop the other day and saw the newborn clothes, Moses baskets, baths, the things you get before baby is born and I just started crying, because it reminded me of the feeling of being so scared that I would inadvertently damage our child and nobody cared about that. I also don't want to see (even on Skype) MIL because I am upset that she was dismissive and embarrassed because if she didn't understand that I was living some hellish nightmare with nobody to talk to, she must think I'm an irrational freak!

So sorry this is an essay. I have deleted it three times in recent days because it is too long, but don't know how else to give a relatively full picture with less details. Thank you for reading this far. I am also a regular but have name changed because this totally outs me!!

AIBU to still be angry and upset about this?

Wow that does sound incredibly stressful. No wonder you still feel angry and upset - but I think something needs to happen to help you get past it otherwise it'll start to eat you up. Not sure what though, I'm afraid.
Congratulations on your healthy daughter, by the way!

YANBU to be upset. Sounds very, very stressful and I expect you are still processing the whole situation.

It sounds like your MIL didn't understand the severity of what you were going through (physically and emotionally due to the stress). YANBU to be angry that he seems to have listened more to her feelings on the matter than yours.

Is it possible that your DH was struggling more than he let on and your MIL was being a bit overprotective of him?

No YANBU. You have had a stressful and traumatic pregnancy made more difficult by being isolated and having to make a move you didn't want to make, you also had to make choices about your DS's care that you didn't want to make. That is a lot of factors outside your control at a time when you were really quite vulnerable.

At the same time your DH didn't give you the emotional support and nurturing you needed and your worry and anxiety was not really understood by the people close to you.

I don't think it sounds like your MIL or DH were being malicious, just quite ignorant and unaware.

Have you thought about some counselling? I think it would really help you to come to terms with this difficult time and help you move on.

Congratulations of the birth of your dd too.

First: Congratulations! How fantastic you have a lovely healthy second child as well as your first healthy child.
Second , so sorry you had such a drama of a pregnancy.

YANBU

I don't necessarily think MIL and DH were being deliberately unhelpful or unrealising but perhaps not putting 2 and 2 together. you have had and apology from DH. Do you know if he has spoken of this to MIL and so perhaps would she make a similar conciliatory gesture? Would it make any difference to you if she did?

I tend to agree you need a pregnancy debrief, probably with DH and separately too. Counselling is worth considering sooner not later.

Thank you! It can be a risk posting on AIBU when you're feeling vulnerable about something, but you've all been very nice! So much so that I cried when I read your replies!

Tarka - DH was struggling with work and doing what I normally do and DS (although he had help for a lot of time), but he wasn't struggling from the emotional aspect. He wasn't thinking about it, even after I explained it. He kept saying that everything would be ok. Even after the birth he said something along the lines of he KNEW it would all be ok. I told him we're not special, bad things happen to people and could have happened to us.

Student - you're right. DH and MIL are really nice, good-hearted people so it wasn't malicious.

Miss - there is no chance that my MIL will apologise because that's just not how their family works: they don't 'do' emotions, so apologising would mean thinking about mine and it's just not how they operate. She would apologise for other things, just not something like this.

I was sort of hoping someone would say I should have some counselling because I've been wondering if I should, or if I'm making a mountain out of nothing and need to get a grip. You seem pretty unanimous!

What is a pregnancy debrief though?

My dh is a bit like that. He always refuses to consider that the worst could happen. I think it's a coping mechanism.
It drove me crazy when we had a threatened miscarriage earlier this year and he wouldn't help me plan for how we'd deal with the worst case scenario (planning for every eventuality being my way of coping with worrying situations). He has since told me it was the worst time of his life although I would never have known it at the time.

Maybe try some individual counselling, and if that doesn't help then maybe some couples counselling to help you and dh talk through your feelings about this.

Be nice to each other, it sounds like you've had a rough year. Have you got any holidays/trips planned? Maybe now things have settled down (well as much as they can with a toddler and a newborn) you could start exploring this country you have landed in.

I think counselling could be a good idea if you want it. After all, it's just having space to talk through your feelings with someone and it sounds like you want to do that.

I think sometimes when you have a stressful experience like you have and you are effectively confined to bed or unable to do much, it is very hard as you have so much time to live in your head and think. So whereas you might put aside annoyances if you had to hang out the washing, instead they just breed in your head.

I would try not to be too harsh with DH and MIL personally. Your DH sounds like he thought that by telling you it would all be alright and suggesting you could do things, it would be ok. Perhaps he didn't think that actually he would be making things worse. My DH often thinks he is reassuring me, whereas I feel he is minimising important things.

As for your MIL, possibly she was insensitive but she sounds like she gave up time and took on a lot of responsibilities in someone else's house to help out. She probably wasn't sure how much she should do and when she was stepping on your toes, plus she was probably scared of you being very emotional (just thinking how my MIL would feel if faced with me in that situation!).

After my last (awful) birth, my mum came to stay and help out with my toddler. Despite the fact we have a great relationship, I was so emotional and she was trying to get things right and irritating me anyway. Loads of things she did drove me mad and I was pretty unreasonable at times as I was so distressed at being unwell and unable to do my usual things. I needed her and resented her at the same time.

Anyway, I realise now that actually it was a crap situation for everyone and have just let it go. We were all trying our best in very difficult circumstances and all got it wrong sometimes.

So do try counselling if you want. But it sounds to me like an enormously stressful period for everyone and I would mainly congratulate yourself for getting through it in one piece.

Oh and congratulations on your lovely new baby of course!

You had a tough pregnancy and you felt alone which is sad but for goodness sake you had your mil and your dh to help practically even if you didn't feel they emotionally support. You could afford childcare your your son. In many ways you were incredibly to have your mil drop everything to come and help. So she thought you were being a bit of a drama lama, forget about it and focus on the nice things she did for you.

Sounds like you would have been better being admitted to hospital rather than having such a stressful time. I think your anger is misplaced and you need to get past this, perhaps with counselling.