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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ignore my friends weight gain instead of offering support

17 replies

Primadonnagirl · 21/08/2013 16:29

My friend has always been quite overweight and I have constantly battled with weight problems too.However I went on a sensible eating regime and started exercising and now I feel in control.My friend however is putting weight on at a steady rate. she's been told by her doctor that her health problems are related to this but she still hasn't done anything about it.Now I know she has had some other problems in life recently so is probably using food as a crutch. She won't talk about problems though..always says everything is fine. I feel torn though...I don't want to come across as all smug because I lost weight but I do want to offer her help if she needs it.But I just darednt say anything for fear of offending her. Is it unreasonable to say nothing whilst she eats herself into ill health?

OP posts:

Sazzle41 · 21/08/2013 16:43

If she has problems but pretends things are fine to you, eating is maybe her only coping mechanism? Id suggest counselling for the problems. If she thinks thats a sign of weakness, sell it as someone objective who can help/give her ideas with no 'agenda'). I had minor issues with using food to combat depression. Now the depression is sorted the eating has gone back to normal. Or, ask her along to a gentle gym session or go swimming together? Or if she likes cooking do you have any low cal recipes to pass on? If she is unhappy, i personally would want to tactfully, help ...

TylerHopkins · 21/08/2013 16:51

The thing is, if she's not in the right mindset no amount of coaxing is going to help. She needs to want to do it herself and until something triggers this she will just pile on the weight. It might take a serious health concern or even a cruel comment from a stranger about her weight to kick start her.

I think what sazzle suggest is a good idea though, perhaps invite her swimming or maybe for a long walk . Say it would be nice to spend the time together 'catching up'.

BrokenSunglasses · 21/08/2013 16:51

You can support her without making it about her weight. She will chat about wanting to lose weight if she wants to, most women do, so she doesn't need you to be the one to bring it up.

When you bring up how much someone else eats, you have about a 1% chance of it going well.

PleasePudding · 21/08/2013 17:01

If my friend brought this up to me I would feel devastated and unable to enjoy chatting to ten because I would always worry that any minute the conversation would veer onto a topic that would make me feel shit and I would have to pretend to be ok with it because in know she was being kind. But it would destroy every bit of confidence.

I'm actually going through this dilemma but the opposite extreme with a great friend and don't know what to do there.

Why don't you be slightly reverse and say "I'm having great trouble keeping my weight off, would you help me by agreeing to go for a walk with me each week and then we can chat and I will have an incentive to actually do something - or weight watchers or something - make if about you. And make sure that earlier in the conversation you've complimented her on her appearance - hair, clothes, skin something so she doesn't feel it as a stung.

I know this might be manipulative but going in all guns blazing could be crushing and will just isolate her from you.

Dackyduddles · 21/08/2013 17:06

I cannot think of a way where if you mention it she won't thump you.

Hey! You look....well! Is about the best. And I'd know what you meant and be sad.

Original poster

Primadonnagirl · 21/08/2013 17:49

I think I'd thump me too!! And you're right Tyler..I didn't start looking after myself until I got a trigger following a comment from a nurse. But I do worry about her .Unfortunately we live two hours away from each other so I can't offer to do the regular exercise thing..I had thought about the next time she says something like "Ooh I'm such a pig.." (which she does quite often) ..saying something like.."I know what you mean..but I feel so much better since I learnt to control things...shall I let you into my secret?!" in a light hearted way...or is that too cringed and will I get a punch anyway?

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 21/08/2013 17:53

I'd probably punch you

BrownSauceSandwich · 21/08/2013 18:32

I wouldn't punch you, but I would probably have as little as possible to do with you after it. You've already acknowledged that her overeating is about something else, so no amount of diet or exercise tips are going to improve things for her... She has to deal with the underlying cause, and then she'll probably lose weight without any interference from anyone else. But like all emotional health issues, she has to make that decision for herself.

Also, beware judging somebody's quality of life based on their weight. It's not everything, you know, and it's not even the only factor in health. I Identify with your friend. It's bloody hard work believing that not everything would be miraculously better if I was thin... If I had to listen to my friends (unknowingly) reinforcing that idea, they would be doing me a serious disservice, and only strengthening my dysfunctional body image.

Sorry, but this is your friend's business, and you can only be prepared to support her whatever stage she's at. And try to let her know that she's brilliant, absolutely regardless of what she had for breakfast.

Original poster

Primadonnagirl · 21/08/2013 18:39

But her doctor has told her she has two specific health problems ..one caused by being overweight and the other made worse by it.So I'm not jumping to conclusions about her health. It's a fact. And I think it's equally unfair if I just say "Oh we'll she needs to sort the other problems out" without trying to help her to do so...But she doesn't want to talk about he other problems which of course I don't try to interfere ..but I don't want to lose her and her doctor has said she's "this close" to having heart failure.

OP posts:

Littleen · 21/08/2013 19:07

It's not something you can help with, she needs to deal with this herself unfortunately. Invite her round for dinner (healthy ones) or for cooking evenings, and try to have girly nights in showing her that she can find the comfort she needs in healthy food and good company too, but don't try to talk to her about it, because it may just trigger a binge, and thus make it worse. I understand it's scary, but it is her and her doctors responsibility to sort it out, and all you can do is be there.

pumpingprincess · 21/08/2013 19:59

I have recently put on a bit weight.

If you were my friend and were to mention it I would tell you to get lost and we would no longer be friends.

It's none of your business and I wouldn't take kindly to my friend judging me.

Original poster

Primadonnagirl · 21/08/2013 20:09

How am I judging her?!

OP posts:

specialsubject · 21/08/2013 20:13

correct - ignore. Comments about weight change are never required. 'you've lost weight' implies 'you were fat before' and the opposite is clearly not to be said!

Lilacroses · 21/08/2013 20:19

Op is not judging her friend she is worried about her. Wouldn't you be worried if your friend was told they were close to heart failure because of their weight? Op I don't blame you at all for wanting to help it's just such a sensitive issue. I discovered running about 10 years ago and just chatting about that, sharing inspirational stories I've read (not bragging about myself...I put ON weight doing it!) has inspired loads of my friends and family to do something similar. If I were you I would find a way of sharing your own story without even commenting on her situation. Then she might say "I could never do that" and you could encourage her to try.

I think sitting her down for a chat about her weight would be a disaster and really embarrassing for her.

Original poster

Primadonnagirl · 21/08/2013 20:25

Actually just remembered when I had my turning point I told another friend, whilst crying, what the nurse had said and she just said calmly "Time to act then" and that stayed with me.Maybe the next time my friend mentions her wait I should just say something like that and then leave it

OP posts:

Lilacroses · 21/08/2013 20:30

Just to add that my very closest friends would definitely try to help me see sense (and have done) when I've been in difficult situations. They've done so without judging but have made it very clear that they were worried about me and have offered great supportive suggestions.

acer12 · 21/08/2013 20:48

Hmm I'm not sure on this. I've been having the same talk with dh which was hard. He has put a lot of weight on and I'm worried about heart attack/heart disease/ diabetes. He is a big fella and loves his food.

Some times an intervention is needed when is massively obvious there was an issue. If her friend was a heavy drinker, I'm sure she would say some thing then. Obesity is a killer.

It's a bit hypocritical talking to her about now though. It's like ex smokers preaching to smokers about quiting. There the worst!!

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