Do I need to get a grip?

[lurkedtoolong]

We're soon moving to DH's hometown where his parents and old school friends still live. I have my issues with this and have raised concerns about living so close to ILs - I don't like seeing people too often, I know this is my issue and am working on getting over it. I also totally understand why DH wants to move back home and support him in this.

ILs (who I get on with) have been very supportive and helpful but now I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed and wonder if they are becoming controlling rather than helpful.

FIL has agreed to help DH build in bookcases and bedroom furniture and DH asked if he could do a couple of weekends. FIL is now insisting he's going to do 6 days a week until the job is done, even when DH isn't about. PIL announced last night that they will be taking a three hour round trip without us to check that the furniture we've been talking about is suitable. MIL has also invited her friend and her husband to come curtain shopping with us. I'm starting to feel a little squeezed out and just wondered if I was losing perspective?

Am I just stressed out and unfriendly (I wouldn't argue with that)? Or is it already a little claustrophobic?

Why does MiL need to bring a friend and her dh to help you buy curtains?

It sounds over the top involvement to me, I'd be very uncomfortable.

Install boundaries quickly and don't be browbeaten into doing anything you don't want.

How odd! I couldn't handle that. Yanbu!

YANBU dear god! There's helping asnd then there is taking over! Time for a chat with DH i think. Some boundaries need to be installed and quickly!

YANBU. The thing about your MIL inviting friend and husband to come curtain shopping made me shudder, frankly. Who would want to shop for curtains for a friends' son and daughter in law anyway?

I think in fairness they probably are just very excited about having you move close to them and are trying to be supportive but its worth laying down some clear boundaries on this now before you move in order that they know not to cross a certain line. I would just say, politely but firmly, that you are very grateful but you'd prefer to do the curtain shopping on your own or with just MIL, not others, as you have fixed ideas about what you want etc.

Controlling weirdos alert!

Start as you mean to go on, kill them with very firm kindness.

'We so appreciate you helping us with the big move but really we need a few days by ourselves to settle into the house.'

'Thanks MIL, it's very kind of you but I've already chosen my curtains'.

Please may I ask what the fuck they think suitable furniture might be?? That one might drive me to swearing.

Good luck OP, START AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON!

Don't let them have a key to the house either, they'll be letting themselves in!

Good fences make good neighbours.
Start as you mean to go on.
You definitely need to get a grip. Why are your PILs coming curtain shopping with you?It sounds like they are more infantilising you, than helping.
IMO, you need to push them back across the line that you they're crossing. Doing it at the start is the only way to do it. But it should be your DH that does the talking. Get him onside first, they're his parents, and it's best coming from him.

Don't give them a key!

I can hear alarm bells ringing op..

My DW and I were in a very similar situation a couple of years ago, whereby we moved closer to my family (she isnt particularly close with hers).

My family were excited about me "coming back home" and were initially very involved with our lives and sticking their nose in helping us settle into our new house.

The advice I can give is dont be shy about telling them what you expect from them. i.e. text before you come round etc. Don't be surprised if your PIL treat your DH as a prodigal son returning (this happened to me - they didnt really realise that I'd grown up in the years I'd been away).

This interfering will subside in time, once it becomes normal to see you and DH around more often.

OP buy an S&M torture table for your sitting room and serve tea on it when they come round to visit.

The only thing I can see wrong is your MIL bringing her friends curtain shopping.

Your FIL has kindly agreed to help your DH but would rather just get the job done, than have to give up his consecutive weekends.

Of course he needs to check the furniture is suitable for the job.

I can also understand why they need to see if the furniture is suitable for the job and that they'd like the job to be done quickly ( wouldn't you too ? 6 full days instead of 3 whole week ends ?) BUT i do find it odd they want a family excursion with friends brought along to choose curtains ? why ? and is your DH happy about that ? mine would think not !

It is weird that they have invited the friends to come curtain shopping. Why would the friends even want to go? Think you have to nip this in the bud right now. You need to be polite but firm with them and you need tom get your husband on side too.

Probably a little over excited at having you all move to the area and wanting to be helpful. I'd suggest just making some decisions and telling them after the fact, rather than involving them. Then its too late and they might get the message.

Thanks everyone. I agree that they are just a bit over-excited and definitely want to be helpful. And they have been very helpful so I don't want to be ungrateful, I just want to be able to have boundaries. Each thing on its own is fine, but everything together just feels a little claustrophobic.

squoosh it was the suitable furniture bit that freaked me out. I get that FIL needs to be involved in what's being bought, but it's just a couple of ordinary bookcases - nothing fancy or complicated. I just feel a bit peeved that they are traveling over 50 miles from where they live to look at stuff we haven't even looked at yet and we'll be out of the country at the time.

DH is great but always doubts himself when it comes to his parents so will welcome them along because "they know more about furniture/curtains/etc" than he does. FIL is also a moody bugger so DH always tiptoes around him.

But why has MiL invited a friend and her dh?

I'm curious.

I'd be wary about your dh doubting himself around his parents and his Dad being a moody bugger.

That way lies madness as keeping the peace, as I suspect your dh may choose to do, won't work in favour of your own life and how you want things doing.

Your Dh needs to grow up a bit in that respect (mine is the same - has been known to ask his mum something i have already told him)

Saying that, many jobs in our house are left undone because dh won't get on with them himself, yet when my dad offers to help DH is a bit tricky about it. It would all be finished if it were down to me but apparently my dad helping (hes a builder jack of all trades) is i think somehow threatening. Dad would come round every day but DH wouldn't like that as he night not fancy doing it for some of those days...