to say no to another baby because dh doesn't want me to breastfeed?

[Hollibaloo]

I have a 7 and 2 year old. I am very much pro-breastfeeding and for fed my eldest til she self weaned at 3 and am still feeding my 2 year old. Dh and I would like dc3 but tonight he said that he wants this hypothetical baby to be formula fed. He said he knows bf is healthier etc but he thinks ff is quicker, easier and will give us more time together. His children with ex wife were ff and they had lots of nights out which we don't. I said I'd compromise and use a dummy but that bf is important to me and Seriseeing as I work from home and do all night feeds it should really be up to me. He said I picked to bf dc1+2 so it's time he had a choice. Aibu to stand my ground and say I will only have another dc if I can breastfeed?

[Rooners]

I think there is acknowledgment that FF children statistically suffer more illness - or is that a myth?

[HooverFairy]

Oh I think your problems are way bigger than DH pressurising you to ff, I think this is probably one of the most irritating threads I've read in a long time hamwidges aside. First of all, your DH is being a needy, pathetic excuse for a man; secondly, he needs to realise that ff will not be a 'quick fix' to make a baby sleep through and give you time for doing all the things you would normally do at the times you want to do them as if you didn't have children to consider. He needs to do some reading and research into what having children is actually like, the fact that you already have children and he still thunks this way suggests that has had very little input: for this reason alone I would not choose to have another child with him.

And finally, what on earth are you basing your thinking on?! You ask for advice and then proceed to slate the choices of other women; children who are formula fed are not being poisoned with every feed, as you seem to be implying. Be very careful with your judgements, you may find that the bf/ff choice is taken out of your hands completely, then how would you handle it? In choosing to ff your child you don't then make allowances for having days off work because you expect your child to be ill. I'm not for one second saying that bf is not best, but this should be about the benefits of bf, not the horrifying, ill effects of ff. This is not the crux of your situation, you seem to think that DH is suggestinpoahf ting your child's health in danger as to allow more time for sex. Your situation is actually that you don't allow time for each other; this has nothing to do with how you feed your child.

FWIW, you DH should have a say in how his children are raised and I don't think anyone should be disputing this. Perhaps he feels you and he no longer have any time for each other and this is his miguided way of trying to rectify it? He just needs educating in how time consuming ff is, rather than being told he has no right to comment at all.

[AnyFucker]

I think the Op would benefit more from a discussion about what is/isn't reasonable behaviour around sexual demands and having sex around children

I expect that's a difficult area though, easier to fudge the issue and keep on talking about FF/BF I suppose

That's my take on it, and probably an unpopular one, especially with the OP is she is still around.

Op, do you have sex while your 2yo is around ?

[AnyFucker]

if she is still around

[sparklingstars]

Sorry to go against the tide here, and against my feelings since I am very pro b/f. I do think that he has some right to discuss how his child is fed - it isn't just your hypothetical child, it's his as well. I'd say it was wrong if he was insisting that you b/f but I think you should be open to discussing it with him at least.

[differentnameforthis]

I'd rather spend more nights feeding a toddler and having an interrupted sex life than have nights up down the line with an ill child, potential financial issues due to extra days off etc.

Do what you like, but stop kidding yourself that breastfeeding is somehow better than formula feeding. Your posts come across as very anti formula feeding. I don't know if you mean them to be, but they are.

My eldest was ff & youngest bf. Neither one is more healthy than the other, and neither one costs me more financially!

[Peacocklady]

It sounds like you want another and he's agreed to it but only if you ff? Why would he want another if he already feels he doesn't have enough of your attention?

[Peacocklady]

My DSIS was bf till age 3 and is diabetic, onset aged 8 and asthmatic. She bf both her kids and her eldest had eczema and asthma, has had nights in hospital to help her breathe and has allergies. It really isn't the be all and end all.

[Peacocklady]

*eldest HAS asthma etc.

[Molinko]

While I do think the OP's DH sounds a bit deluded re BF, my honest opinion is that if you as a couple don't have enough time together then perhaps a having a 3rd child is not such a great idea. Why not wait until you littlest has stopped BF, and then decide?

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

It's not about the pros/cons of bf v ff..

This man wants bottle feeding because he thinks he'll have sex with his wife more frequently .

[Hollibaloo]

Sorry if I offended re the illness comment, really didn't mean to. My only experience of ff children are his two who are constantly ill. It would be me taking days off if toddler/child is ill so would prefer to be bf as comforting/nutrition/sleep is easier for them then in myeexperience. I don't think formula is evil, it just seems silly that if I can and wish to bf to then spend lots of money on formula which could be made use of elsewhere.
He wasn't particularly useful with baby dc, very much a hand them back if they cry because they must want feeding situation. I did express so he could feed but he said at the time the sterilising etc was too long winded and he'd rather I just fed baby than them get upset...! When I met him his dc were 2 and 3, they had bottles and dummies to bed til 4 when they switched to tv in bed, baby bottles of milkshake and crisps in bed - whatever kept them out of the way basically. I don't want that for my children.
No, I don't have sex with the two year old around. Napping maybe but I don't like the thought that it must be a given that baby asleep = we must have sex. He thinks bf makes children clingier as his children didn't care who cared for them etc whereas my children want me.

[Nanny0gg]

Of course they want you if he hands them back at every opportunity!

You have other issues than feeding to discuss...

[AnyFucker]

Thank you for answering my question.

[Hollibaloo]

I Di agree with him that we don't have enough time together btw by IMO that wouldn't be the case if he'd helped more with dc when younger as both want me to do everything for them. If he'd settled 2 year old after a feed then he could put her to bed instead of it always being me and she might have settled better. His other option is to wait to have dc3 so we can have more time together first but that'll affect my career and I don't want such a big age gap. He definitely isn't making excuses, he brings up wanting dc3 much more than me.

[K8Middleton]

Does he work because where on earth do you find the time?

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

Well, yes it's all well and good wanting a third child, if you don't have to actually do any of the work, I'm sure that would be lovely for him.
Maybe not so much for you though.

Why doesnt he start settling the DCs, doing bath time and bed time? If he wants a third child so much, maybe he should start proving that he is an adequate parent first, rather than worrying about sex and nights out and how the baby will be fed?

[JosiePosiePuddingAndPie]

Maybe this is just his way of saying he feels your relationship needs some work. There is a lot of histericalness up thread but if you replace bf with golf then people would say, well maybe you do need to spend some more time with him and work on your relationship more. I know bf is not a hobby, but it helps think about his reasoning without getting into the whole bastard doesn't want me to bf our child debate, which isn't really the problem. Has he actually said this is about more sex or is that just what you are assuming? Maybe he just wants some of your attention and to spend some time as a couple and the way he has identified to do that is by cutting the time it takes to feed any new baby. I think you should talk to him about it and get at his reasoning before letting a bunch of strangers on the net wind you up into a LTB fury? After all lots of us are not good at expressing our feelings to our partners, me included.

[jammiedonut]

This might not be a popular opinion, but extended breastfeeding is obviously having an effect on the OP and her DH relationship. In my opinion she is being unreasonable to consider having another child at all when their relationship is as dysfunctional as it sounds!
I mix feed my son. DH gets to give expressed bottles of breastmilk, and so do relatives if we need time alone. We both enjoy each others company, desire each other and make time for each other around taking care of our son.
The real issue isn't bf or ff, although theOP may want to reconsider making such sweeping judgements and generalisations on either. The issue is considering having another child with a man when you can't agree on something as important as this.
Out of interest, did you discuss extended breastfeeding with him? I'm not saying he should have had a say, but when we were ttc dh and I sat down and discussed what my plans and hopes were for breastfeeding. He knew from the start that I was prepared to bf up to two years, but that I was happy to express so he could be involved. After 2 children do you think that rather than not wanting to help with the children, you have inadvertently pushed him away?

[Famzilla]

There are risks to formula feeding and I'm not gonna hold my tongue incase it may offend someone. No it's not poison and will do a great job in keeping your baby alive but if you could easily give your baby something amazing, tailor made just for their bodies (like the OP can) why wouldn't you? I appreciate a lot of women cannot or will not BF but this thread isn't about that.

Just like there are risks In co sleeping, not co sleeping, early weaning, disposable nappies, drop side cots, having pets and so on. It's ok to discuss this stuff you know.

Anyways this thread isn't really about a controlling man stopping his DW from giving their kids the best possible start, it seems to be a lot more sordid than that so I'm bowing out.

[squoosh]

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.


This thread is not about the which is the most beneficial way to feed your child.

[thebody]

goady thread in my opinion posed to ignite the even more boring Bf v ff. massive massive yawn.

[PrincessYoni]

I understand when people choose to FF.

I understand when people cannot BF.

I understand where, despite trying, BF is so difficult/painful etc that FF is a good alternative option.

I get that as long as you are nourishing your baby then thats important, not the method of delivery.

But when a mother is perfectly able and willing and so is the baby then absolutely BF is the best way to go. Ignoring the costs etc, I am astounded that your DH would allow for his 2 older children with you to be BF but then potentially disadvantage healthwise the next through a lifstyle choice . It really saddens me.

disclaimer- I never would have felt like this before I had DD but, oddly, having her has made me quite evangelical about bfing. I even went through a phase of reading up loads on bfing such was my enthusiasm .

[ifyourehoppyandyouknowit]

It's perfectly possible to have a happy, content marriage, with a happy sex life and small children and EBFing. Just not when you are married to an utter arsehole.

Do not have another baby with this man.

[K8Middleton]

Exactly thebody. With a bit of sexual titillation thrown in.