to say no to another baby because dh doesn't want me to breastfeed?

[Hollibaloo]

I have a 7 and 2 year old. I am very much pro-breastfeeding and for fed my eldest til she self weaned at 3 and am still feeding my 2 year old. Dh and I would like dc3 but tonight he said that he wants this hypothetical baby to be formula fed. He said he knows bf is healthier etc but he thinks ff is quicker, easier and will give us more time together. His children with ex wife were ff and they had lots of nights out which we don't. I said I'd compromise and use a dummy but that bf is important to me and Seriseeing as I work from home and do all night feeds it should really be up to me. He said I picked to bf dc1+2 so it's time he had a choice. Aibu to stand my ground and say I will only have another dc if I can breastfeed?

[Sunnysummer]

I'd be most concerned by whether he's really ready to have another child if nights out are so important.

Maybe he's really saying that he will miss you, when your attention is back on another baby? Or that he maybe felt a little helpless and would like to play a bigger role this time? Because if it's either of these, maybe you can discuss further to work out how you'd approach it (or whether you'll stick with your DCs for now).

Or maybe he really does just want to go on formula so you can both go drinking, in which case you might want to reconsider a whole lot more than just DC3.

[GingerBlondecat]

Does he understand you are going to produce BM regardless?

It doesn't just turn off like a tap.

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

[TheBleedinObvious]

Op I think it depends on a few factors.

How hands on is he with the 2 children you already have?

How hands on was he during their early days/first year, "despite" you breastfeeding?

Does he want more input into parenting the baby? Would he (and you) consider him taking some parental leave instead of you?

Yanbu to not have another child until you come to an agreement on this.

(His attitude to sex sounds very immature and unrealistic by btw)

[TheBleedinObvious]

I was thinking, considering he knows how pro-bf you are, do you think he has said this because although he has said he wants another child he secretly doesn't?

By saying that you need to formula feed the next baby do you think he is hoping that you will decide against having a baby altogether? This way he doesn't need to be the one to say no to you.

How many children does he already have? Maybe he doesn't want any more. 4(?)+ children is a lot to support.

[K8Middleton]

How many children does this man have?

I am hoping this is a wind up. If not I feel very sorry you are married to such a dickhead.

[pebblepots]

Some more reasons why his argument doesn't carry practical weight. - ff isn't magically quicker than bf. I bf first then switched to ff, by necessity, so can compare how my dd was with both.

My dd still needed feeds every 2.5 hours, didn't magically sleep through, took her time so feeds could still take 40 mins. It also introduced the problems of wind, which bf didn't have.

As mentioned already, massive faff cleaning bottles, making feeds, cost of formula.

Also my dd was only happy taking a bottle from me, so despite trying many times, dh still couldn't feed her.

All this meant we didn't have many 'nights out' :)

[raisah]

Idiot! Show him this thread so he can see whst we all think of him. Your body so your choice. He has no right to dictate how you feed your baby.

[LovesBeingOnHoliday]

You really need a serious discussion about sex with him. He's basically saying he can't share you like this for another 4 years.

[mynameismskane]

Sorry but he sounds like a total twat. Like you, Breastfeeding is very important to me and I would never ever not breastfeed my baby for such stupid reasons.

But it sounds like you have even bigger problems really if your dh thinks he should be able to say/dictate to you what to do about feeding ypur baby.

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

I don't like the sound of this bloke.

Desperate for sneaky sex while your 2 year old is playing nearby.

Trying to control how you feed a new baby so sex is more available to him.

Don't have another baby with him, he sounds horrible.

[pumpkinsweetie]

I wouldn't have another baby with this man tbh. I cannot believe what i am reading, it's just too shocking!!!

Fwiw i only managed to bf dd4 for a very short time but i do believe the choice of feeding should completely be down to the woman who is having the baby. For a man to tell you how to feed, and for those reasons to be completely selfish not health concerns is just flabbergastingly ridiculous.

He is selfish, entitled, childish, sex driven and a twat of the highest order and fgs you will have 3 children, why on earth does he think you will have the time or the babysitters for these continual nights out

He sounds very much fixed in the past too, mentioning his ex and how she fed, what they did.... I would be very angry at this.

[Retropear]

Hmmm lot of hysteria.

1. he does have a say
   
2. a ff baby(I have 3) does not mean nights with an ill baby and days off work
   
3. there are loads of ideals re parenting,are you going to follow them all?I personally wouldn't like a partner who followed an unhealthy lifestyle and set a bad example with crap eating habits and little exercise as that would have a far bigger impact on long term health than a few months of ff but if I loved him......
   
   Gives op the pat on the head she wanted.

[pumpkinsweetie]

He shouldn't get a say reptr, but you are right re the hysteria over "baby being ill" from ff, that is a pile of crap!!

[TramadolDaze]

pumpkin I cannot believe what i am reading, it's just too shocking!!!


Indeed. T'is quite incredible!

[hermioneweasley]

Agree with YouStayClassy

His attitude has made me recoil. Eurgh.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

He doesn't think he is being deprived of sex, really, does he?

3 times a week? With 2 small children?

Sorry but he is a fucking selfish twat.

Who the actual fuck is in the mood for a 5 minute quickie whilst the kids are playing? It's ridiculous and tbh it would be such a turn off for me, if my DH wanted sex every time the kids were looking the other way that he would actually be "deprived" of sex. For a long time.

The issue here is not how you feed the baby. It's about him being selfish and wanting sex on tap.
Maybe he needs to understand that if he was a decent, respectful partner then you might want to have sex with him?
Not while the kids are playing but YKWIM

[TramadolDaze]

And here's what's puzzling me - since there are only two adults in the house and at least one of them will have to be feeding the hypothetical baby by whatever means they choose then that by it's very nature means that person will be unavailable for sex.
Changing to FF only ensures that the mother doesn't have to do every feed, not that the baby requires less feeding and therefore loads more time for having her bones jumped.

[pumpkinsweetie]

He is thinking with his penis, nothing more, nothing less.
He sounds like a right catch

5 mins while kids are playing, just 5 mins how shit, that is a quickie too. Wonder what you get out of it op, obviously not what he would!
Tell him to go have a wank for gods sake, seriously the bloke needs therapy- 3 times a week is way more than enough for a mother of 2 small ones.

I suppose this is why he left his last gf, she gave up placating his 'need's' wants or got bored with the wham bam

[RhondaJean]

I'm really at a lot of this thread but like retro the one that's really got me is the highly hysterical "I don't want to formula feed because I don't want an ill child"

That's highly insulting you know, as well as inaccurate. There hasn't even been drip feeding on this thead you have changed your story from him wanting nights out and time together (and tbh I do feel sorry for men who end up with women who can't be separated from their babies for years)to him being a raging sex maniac which is not what you said at first.

I'd question why if he makes you feel so uncomfortable you actually even WANT to have another child with him, you have had nothing positive to say about him or his feelings, or is it just convenience because you want another child?

And absolutely yes he should get a say in how his child is raised. Those of you who say otherwise should be taking a long hard look at yourselves. If you expect men to be equal parents (which I do and which they should) then they have equal input.

Anyway I'm off to work before I overheat. Have a good day.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I think his reasoning is completely wrong.

Maybe he's trying to say (in a very cack handed way) that he wants to be more involved with the children (you are clearly very much the primary care giver, and maybe he feels excluded?). Or that he wants to spend time with you as an adult in your own right, not just as the mother of his children?



I am a little confused, though, about the going out thing. Does he think that even little babies can be left with a babysitter as long as they have a stack of formula? Or is it that you haven't gone out much without your two DC, although presumably even the 2yo has been able to be left with a babysitter for a little while by now?

[Lazyjaney]

Agree with Retro - too much hysteria here

Of course the other parent has a say in how a baby is reared in a relationship, especially if it has a big impact on the rest of their lifestyle for an extended period, it's utter stupidity to think otherwise (assuming you actually want a relationship to last, which the MN LTB mob don't)

And FF won't kill a baby, in fact very, very few people Bf past 6 months and their kids are just fine. Not thinking another 3 years of Bf is required is hardly an unreasonable point of view to hold.

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

I think this thread is now less about the feeding and more about a man who is more concerned with a rampant sex life.

'Nights out' really means more sex for him, OP explained that upthread.

[Figgygal]

Yanbu but I do agree with some other posters in that if it is his child he is entitled to an opinion but ultimately it is your choice as it would be if the situation was reversed and you had chosen FF and he was pushing BF.

sounds like you have more problems to resolve than just feeding he sounds like a sex pest if I were you I would feel horrendously harassed.

Can I just point out though that up thread you mentioned not wanting to take time off work because of an ill child due to it being FF and missing out on all of the health benefits of BF. my DS was FF from eight weeks and he has never been sick he is the most robust healthy child and I certainly don't think that just because someone is FF it means they're in for a lifetime of poor health

[shewhowines]

Who actually wants this baby?

If it is him wanting another one, he is being totally unreasonable.

If it is the op wanting another baby and he doesn't really want one, he may see it as a compromise to say ok then, but I'd like to get our lives back on track a bit sooner. Then I don't think he is bu.

You could compromise on bf for a year. I can see how it would seem a bind, contemplating it for 3 years as your first dc did, and at least 2 for your second.

[TempName365]

If he wants to have sex when the two year old is playing for five mins, then it's not really the BF that's stopping that, is it? It's the fact that you don't want to. And the thing about sex is that, if one party doesn't want it, it shouldn't happen.

Which should be something he worked out a long time ago.