to think checking up on ex is ok if in interest of childs safety?

[CuteFeet]

Last time my 5 year old was collected for contact with her father she had been telling me that he'd been taking her in the car with no car seat at all. If I asked him, as I did when she said this a couple of years ago, he'd deny it so I didn't bother. Itold dd she should rrefuse to get in without a seat but obviously the responsibility shouldn't have to fall to her. So last time he collected her I tried to see if the car seat was in but he rushed off before I could. They were going to a shop 5 mins away before heading to his which is just under 1.5 hours away. So I drove to the shop to check his car while they were in the shop and lo and behold there was no car seat and dds teddy and drink were in the front passenger door so she'doobviously been sitting there.

I rang him so as not to cause a scene in front of dd as he has a temper and explained that I was not allowing her to make the journey to his without a car seat and that he could take her for tea in the restaurant walking distance from the shop if he liked and I'd collect her from there in a couple of hours then he could collect her in the morning with an appropriate seat. Normally I'd have offered to lend him mine but my other dc and I were taking a friend who can't drive and her dc out the following day so needed the car seat. Besides, the fact he hadn't asked to borrow it and was prepared to let dd travel that far so unsafely made me feel he didn't deserve to borrow it. Dd was not bothered about not going and looked kind of in awe at me standing up to him. He was fuming! I told my friend about this today and she thinkstthat I was 'acting a bit crazy' to go and check up on him and over the top to not let her go. Wibu?

I think you handled it very well!

I would rather be classed as crazy than deal with the after effects of an accident where she wasn't restrained

not crazy at all if you had a genuine reason to believe he would have no car seat and you were right. I hate it when people don't take this seriously. my dnephew and niece were in a car accident last year when the back of their car was clipped by a driver doing 70mph. my sis was stationary at the time. car flipped and ended up on roof, paramedics all agreed that if they had not been in the correct seats it would have been a devastating accident. these things can happen any time and I don't think reacting strongly over something like this is ever over reacting

Obviously she needs a car seat

But you seem to be involving your 5 year old too much in all of this. How did she look at you in 'awe' if you confronted him by ringing him?

Nope, you completely did the right thing, for the right reasons. Your friend maybe doesn't care about her kids.

Because obviously when he came out of shop I explained to dd why she was coming home soulsister

I think you were terribly restrained, actually.

I'd have been tempted to report the UF to the police. It is illegal.

Is your friend separated? Because I think unless you have had to hand your child over to someone who you have come to realise is not a nice person, you can't appreciate what it is like.

Car seats are non negotiable in my mind, YANBU.

Yanbu.

You knew and just needed to confirm it, but I expect that by the time I get back from work tomorrow this thread will be full of people coming out with crap like "its his choice he's an equal parent what he does during contact is nothing to do with you"

Because some how any thread like this tends to attract people who think its ok for a nrp to break the law be abusive or place a child at risk just because they are a parent,on the other hand a pwc doing the same thing would get flamed.

Oh and fwiw I knew something was not quite right with one of my kids during contact, an incident was witnessed in a different town by dc's school key worker that gave her serious concerns ex refused to converse with me so I hired a PI so I had evidence of my concerns. It worked.

NU imo.

my ex has done this before and I I insisted on checking the car seats were in his car the next time before I let the dcs go. I think I was well within my rights to do this as their parent- and pretty much as the only parent who seemed to give a shit about it! I don't care if I looked crazy or he laughed at me behind my back- he can say what he likes- I know I was right.

It's not just dangerous, it is illegal. Your ex is an arse for even thinking about doing this. You can get an appropriate seat for a 5 year old fairly cheaply. He obviously does not care about her safety at all. You were right to do what you did.