would you go on holiday with friends who are very rich if you are not?

[Lilacroses]

We have some really lovely friends/neighbours. Our Dc get along really well, so well that we recently took their Dd on holiday with us for a few days. They have often said that they would love us to go with them to their holiday home in europe (sorry, don't want to give too many details, being discrete). Now they are talking about dates and wanting to book flights. We really like them, enjoy spending time with them, bbqs, nights out etc, dinners at each other's houses etc but they are extremely well off (massive house, kids at private school, 5 or 6 holidays a year) and I am concerned that if we go on holiday with them it will be really awkward. I am worried that they will want to go to expensive places to eat or that they will order very expensive wine or whatever and want to split the bill.

They are very kind generous people and if they knew I was worrying about this they would feel really upset but I don't want to be in a situation where they feel they have to pay for us!

There's no way round this really is there? Other than making some sort of excuse?

They will probably be aware of the financial situation anyway, and you could just have a light hearted chat about it before hand, just querying if your going primarily self catering or eating out a lot, and did they have anything in mind re activities, so you get a feel for what they are expecting. Also the ages of both your children will indicate how much dosh you'll get stung for.
They are probably more looking forward to your company than spending loads of money.
My close friend is very pally with a very wealthy couple, and they usually take 2 hols a year together, fwiw, she hasn't said anything about issues relating to different budgets.

I've joined friends once and my dad and his new family a couple of times at holiday homes they'd kindly paid for. Both times it's been suggested several times to eat out at lunch times at restaurants and we've had to go along with it even though I find it adds up very quickly and I'd feel more comfortable taking a picnic. It's hard to say that when you have been treated to accommodation though.
With the friends, they mum of the other family did very little and read most if the time in her room and I often sorted the kids out and we babysat at night for them a couple of times. Felt a bit like the hired help.
I do think a friendly conversation about spends might be needed even if its to say we may have to not do x or y but we're happy with that.

All really good advice, thanks all. I think I might mull it over for a few days. They are great company, really fun, and the other mum and I are both very sporty so enjoy runs and walks together. The Dds are very happy just mucking about and their Dd couldn't BE any less spoilt. She is absolutely lovely, just as excited to be browsing and spending her pocket money in Primark as ours is! I think if I can bring myself to be open with them about it and I don't think it will spoil a lovely friendship I might give it a go.

It sounds a bit like you're as worried about feeling socially uncomfortable as you are about the actual money side of it?

I know it's so much easier said than done, but you have to remind yourself that these are your friends, and that you have nothing to be insecure about in a social situation.

You said 'we' in the original post - how does your DH/DP feel about it?

You are right Sophita, I know it's silly of me to be like that. We are a gay couple, (gay parents), they are a straight couple, not that that makes any difference!!. My DP might not be able to come on the holiday anyway as she will be working abroad at that time. She feels the same as I do really. She really enjoys their company but is worried about the money....she is encouraging me to give it a try though. I think I probably will.

& just to add to your last post - your families sound loads more compatible to have a nice trip together than many on a more similar income would be. two of my colleagues went on holiday together with their families last year - easygoing parenting vs. strict, 'let's have wine for breakfast' vs. 'teetotal... sure, they had the same money to spend, but the friendship STILL hasn't recovered!

sorry - keep cross posting! hope you can figure it all out (and wishing you a lovely trip if you do go)

Just talk to them.

If they are nice people they'd probably be a bit sad if they knew that you'd declined just because they're richer than you, without even talking it through.

If you and your family would enjoy going to the place then at least try to have a think about how any issues might be overcome.

Really?!! That sounds hilarious/awful! No, we are very similar in terms of values and parenting and our Dds are very compatible too at least it seems that way so far!

How much money would you have to spend? Would you have enough to have what would be to you a decent holiday or would you be scraping by?
From what you have said I would go if I knew I had enough money for a few extras. I would ask the friends to not let my presence stop them from doing what they normally did while away and to deliver free to meet up with other people without feeling obliged to mind me.

I would say go for it.

I think you're right Phineyj. There might be a chance of going for a long weekend so maybe that would be a good compromise.

If the dd's happy in primark they are probably not extravagant. My dd is happy in New Look lagely because we don't give tuppence about labels but both our DC have friends who spends hundreds on an outfit and according to ds still don't look good or cool!! Think it's more abput values than money tbh.

In my extremely limited experience, nice people who have holiday homes to which they invite people are well aware of all the pitfalls, and I also agree that they may well be used to eating in because it is a home from home. If you socialise at home, I think you would have noticed if they liked going to entirely different sorts of restaurants or that sort of ting.

I'd just say you'd love to go, really touched they have asked you - and just need to check the budget/what sorts of things they do before plans go any further

Everyone sensible and nice - and you all sound both - knows that money can cause worries and tension and wants to avoid that. I think it sounds really good fun. If you get the sense there is one special restaurant, offer to babysit one night while they go to it. Everyone chooses to spend their money in different ways - it is not only about the overall wealth.

It is all about being honest

We are usually the 'rich' friends. We have no problem not spending money. In fact I think we are a lot more careful than a lot of our really skint friends and family. I would love it if potential guests let me know what they were happy with spending. I find trying to second guess people tiresome.

We have a very lovely long time friend who is ridiculously skint and yet we never have any issues over money with her and her husband. We alter what we do a bit and if we really want to do something a little more expensive we , very very quietly, pay for it. Sometimes we pay for meals but they pay for afternoon icecream. It all works out fine. We are proper friends and are just happy to be able to spend time together.

I would ask them what they normally do on holiday and let them know you are on a restricted budget. There is NOTHING to be embarrased about being on a restricted budget! It's totally normal. Just be a nice guest and offer something towards food and drink and enjoy yourself.

I've shared holiday lets with old University friends with kids 3 times and it has always been fine. The best way is to come together in the evenings for meals whether that be cooking in and taking turns to supermarket shop or going out to a restaurant.
As people tend to have different activities they like to do, it is best to try to cut each other some slack during the day...re time you get up and breakfast/going out en masse some days to sightsee but not everyday.

For others I have seen things come unstuck over one person (usually female alas) feeling they do all the clearing up while the other showers and has an early night...this is where eating out a lot helps as it keeps chores to a minimum.

To enjoy it, you need one word: 'tolerance'...it is a holiday...you accept peoples' foibles and go with the flow.
In your shoes I would go after discussing your concerns in advance - if they are seriously well off - they may be happy to pay for a lot of meals out as having friends along is usually much more fun than just being 'en famille' as usual.
The 'you pay in' they 'pay out' suggestion was a good one although you may not want to et together every night and you could always just self-cater a lot.

Such lovely, helpful responses thanks everyone. Reallygood to hear it from different perspectives. Will probably have a chat with them and give it a go.

Agree that if they are nice, sensitive people they will make sure you aren't made to feel uncomfortable.

But I think it's worth talking to them candidly about this before the holiday to lay out the situation for them. That way if, say, they want to eat out every night and you can't afford that they aren't going to end up feeling resentful if you can't pay your way.