to feel awkward around my girlfriends mother

[LondonOx]

To give some background, just as we were getting together my girlfriends parents divorce finally came through. My girlfriend recently mentioned that when we got together her mother felt lonely and that I was taking her away. I get on really well with her father (we have a lot of shared interests) and have stayed with him many times while visiting my girlfriend but because there isn't really space at her mothers I have only met her a couple of times. On both those occassions I felt really awkward and found the atmosphere quite tense.

It doesn't help the situation that her mother didn't initially react very well to the fact that her daughter is with another woman and behaved in my mind quite badly towards my gilfriend along the lines of I don't know who you are anymore. My girlfriend knows that I don't feel altogether comfortable around her mother and I want to make the situation better because I know this makes her unhappy especially because she is much closer emotionally to her mother than her father (SAHM v.s. father working long hours with lots of travel). Would I be unreasonable to go over with her to visit her mother for a meal when I next go up to visit her at her dads (they live a 10 minute walk away from each other while I live two hours away) given that the divorce was very messy and it might upset her father who I currently have a great relationship with.

I would. See how it goes and if she's still frosty then maybe it's more to do with her reluctance to accept the relationship?

I wouldn't worry about how it might annoy her dad, if your girlfriend wants you to have a better relationship with her mother than you currently have then it's worth making the effort.

It sounds like your girlfriend has a good relationship with her Dad, and one assumes that he would want HER to be happy. I doubt he would mind that you were trying to achieve that.

Why would he be upset with you?

I know it sounds odd that her father would be upset but he's still really angry with her mother, she cheated on him after 20 years of marriage and he found out when he saw an email exchange with the other man. I think that he might be offended with me going over to visit her because he still can't bring himself to even say her name.

Would the dad respond well if you spoke to him directly about it? Told him how much you appreciate how he has accepted your relationship & made you welcome, but for your girlfriend's sake you feel like you have to make more effort with her mum?

As for the mum, you can only control your own behaviour - so if you reach a point where you feel like you've given her a fair chance & you've tried to get on with her and she still seems to be awkward around you, then that's really not your fault & says more about her than you.

This sounds a lot like what happened when my DSis came out last year.

My DM, at first, was a bit flummoxed, but is now perfectly fine about DSis being with another woman (in fact, they're both living at my parents' house for a short while).

But her GF's mum was not at all happy. She really didn't want her daughter to be in this relationship. It was a huge issue all last year. However, they've been together a year now and it took a face-to-face meeting for GF's mum to see how great they are together. And now her GF's mother is her biggest fan. Yes, be honest with the dad, and don't worry - if he's a decent guy, he'll accept why you feel it would be right to meet your GF's mum. If you can afford it, you could take the 3 of you - yourself, GF and her mother - out for a meal, show you're making a real effort. After that, you've done your best. If the mother isn't receptive to you, just let her be and be happy with your GF.

Thanks for the advice :) I have now organised to go over for dinner (I did suggest taking her mum out for dinner) and I will just have to see how it goes. At the very least I hope it will make my girlfriend feel better.