not to invite my uncle to my mother's surprise party

[HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform]

I'm planning a surprise party for a big event for my mum and am putting together the guestlist at the moment and have hit a bit of a stumbling block. Her brother.

He and I have never got on, even when I was young, but I was happy to host him in my house when he needed somewhere to stay about 8 years ago. He caused quite a bit of trouble for me over that and in the end I lost my temper and told him to stick it - not my finest hour, but he really had gone to town to cause drama for me.

A few years ago we were having a family Christmas shindig at mine and I invited him, thinking it the right thing to do and that the past was all water under the bridge. He declined and in his email told me that I was a despicable person, that I rode roughshod over other's feelings, that I was awful to my mother, that the whole family was scared of me and that he wouldn't stand for it (I hadn't had any contact with him for four or five years at this point). I wasn't doing well at the time and this pushed my MH into crisis. I remember being at the doctor not long after receiving this email from him and them taking 2 hours to decide whether to let me go home or not.

Anyway, I haven't seen him since and have no want to see him at all. But I know the right thing to do would be to invite him to my mum's surprise party (it's doubtful he'll turn up, he's generally rude and selfish when it comes to family things) but I don't really want him there - and I'm organising and paying it.

WIBU not to invite him or do I have to suck it up?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Hotel, how much easier life would be if what we wanted to do and what we had to do were the same. Look on the bright sides: he might not come and even if he does you are so much more resilient and mature now. Hey maybe at the end of the party you might cheerfully wave him off with a delightfully cheery "Bye Uncle Cuntface".

[VegasIsBest]

Don't invite him. Enjoy the party with your mum and other friends and family. Your mum can arrange to see him separately if she wants to. No point making yourself miserable over this.

[primroseyellow]

I would not invite him. If he wants to celebrate he can take your mother out for a meal on another occasion. If people are rude and obnoxious to someone they should suffer the consequences - or they have in effect got away with it. Don't jeopardise your own health and well-being. IMO it would be very unwise to invite him on the assumption he probably won't turn up, why risk it?

[MikeOxard]

I don't know your mum, but if my dbro had had that effect on the MH of my child, I wouldn't want to see him. Your mental health is everything - if you lose that, you can lose everything you have. I wouldn't risk mine for a shit of an uncle that I hated anyway.

I wouldn't invite him, I don't see that any good can come of inviting him, but I can see a lot of things he could fuck up if he was invited, why extend him that opportunity. x

[sparklingstars]

If he and your mother get on then you should invite him. He's her brother and it is her party and not yours, you just need to rise above it no matter how hard it is.

[facedontfit]

It's simple, don't invite him.

[wigglesrock]

See I was going to say invite him because I assumed it was a birthday party and he is part of her family and they still see each other occasionally, but it's not a birthday party, christening type family thing, so I actually think No, don't bother. It would be different if they were in each others houses every week.

[Dackyduddles]

Op,
I DISAGREE. Put loudly so you hear me.

DM loves him. Obvious is to invite him for her. However if you are host and you are paying then in this situation I feel it is a gift to your mum so in order for gift to be fun he shouldn't be invited. He will turn it into a show for him. We both know that.

If asked I would also be clear as to why. I'm afraid you have to be for others to understand. It's the pay off for not having him there.

[Dackyduddles]

Blimey by time I wrote others also thought you shouldn't invite him so actually I agree! How funny! Have a good party.

[HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform]

Have been told by my father I have to invite him. I think I won't contribute to the cost and probably won't go. Just re-read the mail he sent to me last time. Feel like crap. Also feel like crap because if anyone acted like that towards any of my family I'd not include them in my life again. It's like my feelings don't matter for the sake of "family" - which should be defined by fucking behaviour not genetics.

[glossyflower]

Oh dear. I'm sending you lots of hugs.
Does your mum and dad know what your twat face uncle has said to you in your emails?
Family dynamics are often complicated, and obvious rules do not always apply.
Unfortunately some people think that they have to accommodate their family no matter how shitty they are, I think the opposite, and just want to surround myself with the family and friends who love and are about me, those who don't have no room in my life.
Try not to let this man get to you, I know it's not easy, but the best way to go about it is to empower yourself that he can't get to you anymore. Xxx

[glossyflower]

*care not are!

[HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform]

Yes they know as uncle cuntface copied them in on said emails at the time and I suspect a lot of the vitriol is from my mother slagging me off as she tends to do that about me and my sisters to whoever will listen

I think we think the same way about family - you don't accommodate just because of "family", only good people are allowed in my family circle.

DH is furious, which is oddly comforting.

[glossyflower]

Well in that case I wouldn't bother with her party and let them all get on with bitching about how unreasonable you are

Take care and protect yourself from negative people as much as you can. Xxx