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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to leave him to it for a day

22 replies

TheNaughtySausage · 20/08/2013 09:45

I feel as though IABU but also feeling desperate a bit so please tell me!

Dd is 6mo, she is ebf and we are a couple of weeks into weaning. I'm still on mat leave and dh works full time. Dd - I think, she's my pfb so got nothing to compare it with apart from everyone else's horror stories - has been an "easy" baby, she's always slept well (a couple of wakes a night for a feed, but goes straight back down... usually), we had no problems breastfeeding, she's a happy wee thing generally.

I've always done all the feeds, nights etc, mainly because it's been easier on everyone - baby wakes, shove boob in, baby sleeps again. She was never happy with a bottle and now we're weaning she has one of those cup things.

Dh is no slacker. He will come in from a full on day and do bath time. I'll start dinner while they have splashy fun and I am very happy to do this because it means I can get on with something unbabyish! He also does his fair share of household stuff.

BUT... he plays cricket. And it takes all day. On a Saturday. He leaves at about 11.30 and depending on how the game goes might not be back til 8pm. So I am doing my baby duties for 6 straight days a week plus all nights. I don't grudge him the cricket, it's his passion and he doesn't go out any other time. He's missed a few games this season due to injury.

But AIBU to just go out for the day, all day, by myself, on a Sunday? I'm just, well, BORED of being a mummy the whole time. And as good and helpful dh is, I don't think he quite gets just what a long day a day with a baby can be. She's fairly demanding at the moment, can sit up but falls over (onto cushions!) a squillion times a day, is also teething, and "just popping out" somewhere is never as simple as it sounds. I want to do something for me for a change even if it is just wandering round a gallery, on my own, with no small person attached to me. But because she is still bfing I feel as though she would suffer if I left her for a whole day! I've had one night out by myself since she was born and she screamed for most of it - when I got back dh had taken her out in the car to try to get her to sleep and he was at his wits end.

AIBU? Or a bit pfb?

OP posts:

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 20/08/2013 09:48

Do it. Leave plenty of milk for her, put your phone on silent, and make sure you stay out all day, not home for teatime. You might find she'll take a bottle if you're not there., or you could be nice and make it home for the bedtime feed.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 20/08/2013 09:51

I would do it too. But I would explain it carefully to your DH first, so he knows that it's not some kind of punishment, or revenge for the cricket, but is much needed time for you to just be you again.

thisisyesterday · 20/08/2013 09:54

i may be in a minority, but actually I think it IS unreasonable for him to spend all day out every single Saturday. I get that he is passionate about it, but he has a small baby now and his priorities need to change, at least while she is little.

your weekends are going to be kind of crap if he is out all day sat and you're out all day sunday surely?

I think that he needs to cut back on the cricket to be totally honest with you

thisisyesterday · 20/08/2013 09:55

meant to say, I don't think you should not go out. you should have some "me time" when you need it of course.

Original poster

TheNaughtySausage · 20/08/2013 10:03

Thanks for your replies. I think I will do it.

yesterday, I have felt the cricket is unreasonable at times but then it's not every Saturday all year round. And he won't play at all next year, cause when I'm back at work I'll be doing weekends. Sorry, I should've mentioned that, oh no now I've drip fed!

OP posts:

Greavesey · 20/08/2013 10:06

Cricket season ends in September so you should have him back on Saturdays then.

This guy puts me to shame!

Go out on Sunday, have a fun time. Leave him a list (I work better with lists!)

janey68 · 20/08/2013 10:12

It sounds like an eminently sensible idea for you to have some time out for yourself. And while it seems to be general opinion on MN that dads are lazy, hopeless beings who would quake at the thought of coping with baby for a day, I don't recognise that view at all. I think many dads welcome the chance for that special time with their child. It's something not all dads get.

You sound like a great team; your DH is pulling his weight and I think Saturday cricket is not at all unreasonable... Like you say it's not all year round, it's his particular hobby, and he's being totally fair about household and baby chores as much as he can while working full time

Organise yourself a lovely day out. I second the advice to make it clear that this isn't some sort of 'revenge' but purely an attempt for both of you to have a good balance in your life. My bet is that he'll relish the chance to get a whole day with his child

janey68 · 20/08/2013 10:13

Oh and don't panic about the feeding thing.. If she's hungry she'll drink from a cup.

froken · 20/08/2013 10:15

I think your both being unreasonable. Why is spending time as a family not your dh's priority? If you are still breastfeeding lots in tge day and tge baby will be upset then it seems cruel to go out and leave her :(

Could you start doing lovely things as a family at tge weekends, maybe you choosing one thing and your dp choosing another thing.

The way me and dp share out the responsibility of 8 month old ds is I do all the night feeds and I am on maternity leave so look after ds every week day, dp is tge main parent at the weekends so he does tge nappy changes and gives ds his food, he packs tge nappy bag when we go out and dp gets up with ds when he wakes so I can catch up on some sleep. Breastfeed ds and give him cuddles and chat to him but we see the weekends as dp's quality time with ds and our quality time as a family.

Original poster

TheNaughtySausage · 20/08/2013 10:20

We do do nice things at the weekend froken, I just want a day for myself, but not every Sunday. Your point about the feeding is what makes me think IABU, and I've not done it before because of that.

OP posts:

froken · 20/08/2013 10:25

Could you maybe all go to a gallery and your dp do everything apart from feed dd so you just get tge lovely cuddly feeds? If you left her for a long time you would probably get sore breasts anyway which would be no fun.

Pink01 · 20/08/2013 10:34

How many feeds a day does she have? That's the key to it for me. Of course you 'deserve' a day out and I don't blame you for craving it, but if your daughter will be expecting a feed every hour or something then unfortunately I think you might need to dedicate some time to getting her to cut down on feeds. Or it could be a long hard day for your DH and your DD.

Btw I don't think this needs to be an emotive issue of 'fair' or 'unfair'. You want a day to yourself and no one can blame you for that, but sort the practicalities out first so you can properly relax and enjoy yourself. I don't know that it would be that relaxing if you were picturing your child at home wailing for a feed while your DH can do nothing to help.

All the best to you.

BonaDea · 20/08/2013 10:48

I would have a day out to yourself. But also I think your DH is being unreasonable to go out all day every Saturday.

He works in the week full time. And so do you. That means that childcare at the weekend should be split 50/50. I assume most Sundays you are both there and helping each other. Therefore , him having every Saturday on top of that is taking the proverbial.

My DS is 5 months and I'm finding the Monday - Friday slog really hard going. Like, really hard. It's boring, lonely and bloody hard work even tho like you I basically have a lovely, cheery, happy baby.

ToddCranes · 20/08/2013 10:55

YANBU op. If you're happy for him to have his day playing cricket then you should not feel guilty for having a day to yourself.

Maybe stay close the first time or only go for a couple of hours and see how your baby is. It'll be a nice bonding time for your DH too.

OctopusWrangler · 20/08/2013 10:58

A six month old can cope without milk for seven hours. Go, enjoy and recharge.

teenagetantrums · 20/08/2013 11:21

yes do it, my ex was really bloody useless compared to your DH but he coped when I went out for a day when DS was 5 months old, in fact I think he did better because I wasn't there and he had to deal with him, after that first day he learnt he could calm the baby without just passing him off to me and saying he needs feeding. Mind you I was worried and didn't enjoy that day as much as I did the next one when I knew he could cope.

teenagetantrums · 20/08/2013 11:22

should add was only 4 hours I was out the first time

janey68 · 20/08/2013 11:36

It's not all about men being hopeless or lazy. My DH said to me, when our dc1 was a few weeks old, that he felt awful when she cried or seemed unsettled, and he'd always pass her to me for feeding, not out of laziness but out of a genuine feeling of helplessness that his precious child was crying and he didn't feel equipped to soothe her. I expect this is a more common feeling than some people think. It's easy to just think 'oh it's alright for him, he's out at work all day and doesn't have to deal with the daily grind'- but actually it's quite tough on men, being an equal parent in all senses, but usually getting far less time with their child and sometimes feeling helpless.

6 months is not a newborn any more. Your dd will be 100% fine being left- she can drink from a cup if she's not keen on bottles- mine never had bottles and went straight to cup. The only issue if you've been used to feeding really frequently is that your boobs may feel uncomfortable so you may want to express while out. But that will regulate itself in no time.

I'm a great believer in maintaining a balance in life. Your DH is doing nothing wrong - he's working hard, contributing during the week, and it's great that he has a hobby. It's not an all year round thing, and while being out for a long day may be a bit annoying sometimes, that's the nature of cricket isn't it! His hobby just happens to be something where he's either got to give it up, or play the matches. If you get into a routine of doing your own thing some Sundays and family stuff on others then it sounds like a great set up

Pascha · 20/08/2013 11:44

I went out all day without DS2 for the first time last saturday, he's 7 months old and spent the day with his nan. He was fine, not stressed at all by me not being there and took milk in a sippy cup well enough. My boobs were at exploding point by the time we were on the train home at 5pm though so DS1 obliged by hoovering one up (he's 2.11 and still feeding once a day) which relieved the pressure lots.

I would think that, far from stressing your baby by leaving her, you are giving her a good chance to be one on one with her daddy for a significant amount of time and that can only be a good thing. For both of them.

Go, leave plenty of milk, be prepared to find a loo to express in if you are out for a few hours and just enjoy yourself.

Original poster

TheNaughtySausage · 20/08/2013 11:54

janey I think you are right about that helpless feeling. The more I think about it the more I think it would do us all some good. I do tend to take over if dd cries on dh, they both need to get to know each other bbc here and she needs to learn that daddy is just as loving as mummy!

I'll take my pump with me just in case of exploding blobs .

And the Fringe is on! I can pop into Edinburgh for a few hours!

OP posts:

Original poster

TheNaughtySausage · 20/08/2013 11:55

*each other better!

And exploding boobs not blobs!

OP posts:

ToddCranes · 20/08/2013 11:57

That sounds like a great day out op! Enjoy yourself.

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