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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to really not want to be a forces WAG

4 replies

banoffeepie237 · 20/08/2013 01:25

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 years, we're in our 3rd year of university at the moment.
The plan has always been that he wants to join the Royal Navy as a Submariner, I thought that his mind had changed recently about this and he was leaning towards doing something else but I think he still very much plans to join in the next few months.

I don't want to stop him joining - it's always been what he wants to do and I'd hate for him to not join, we possibly break up in the future and he regrets not doing it in the first place.

At the same time I really don't think I can do it or want to do it - it's not how I want to spend my life, although I have the utmost respect for people who are partners of people in the forces.

AIBU to just not want to spend my life like that? Or am I being selfish/unrealistic and I need to get over myself/it's really not as bad as it seems?

OP posts:
AmandaCooper · 20/08/2013 01:34

Is what you want to do incompatible with that kind of lifestyle? Or do you just generally feel you'd be too restricted?

missingmumxox · 20/08/2013 01:41

what are you 21? if you don't want to do it and he does then give him a break, not a ultimatum, my young life I dumped more than one boyfriend when their and my life expectations did not match up, one I always laugh about was I wanted to travel the world he wanted to stay home, get married, family when I was 21 he was 23, I suddenly realised how different we where and left him...I never travelled at the time, about 6 months later he was living in Thailand.
20 odd years later I am not bothered I realise actually if I thought he was the one we would have had the same goals, for the record he is a lovely man, married to a Thai lady, living in the UK, 2 girls and blissfully happy as far as I can tell, I lived in the US for 3 years, married blissfully happy most of the time :) 2 boys.

you need to work out if your love is greater than your goals, or if your goals can still be maintained whilst moving about, or love will still go on if you have to work away.

prissyenglisharriviste · 20/08/2013 02:04

You can stay in one place and get on with your life - you just won't have him at your elbow on some occasions when you feel you might want him to be.

Lots of naval types do their own thing. It isn't as bad as other forces where there is generally a lot more moving about involved.

Most people decide on their partner first, rather than their lifestyle, tbh. He might not get in, anyway. Or he might join, hate it, leave, or join, and fail basic training, or join and decide after a year to pvr. There are no guarantees with this lifestyle.

What are your plans? Presumably you are studying something with a career in mind? Where will that take you?

And can I just say, I may have been a military spouse for some time (once I had finished serving myself) but I was never, ever, a WAG. Yuk. And despite that ridiculous forum, I've never know a military spouse describe themselves as one. Horrible.

At 21, you have a lot of decisions to make. If you want to be with him, then there's always a way round it. But realistically, you need to be thinking about what YOU want to DO, not what you don't want to do, or what you don't want HIM to do.

What Do you want to do??? It's all a bit negative for my taste. Try concentrating on what you are going to do after Uni. Which jobs are you going after? Are you staying in your uni town? Moving to the big smoke? Looking for a job in a rural area? Where will your career take you? Is it portable? Is it trying in that will involve working for one company for ever until you make partner? Or is it something that is done on a contract basis and involves you working independently and making a name and career for yourself as an individual?

And to shove this in AIBU smacks of grandstanding. Anyone would think you just wanted a whole bunch of folk to yell LTB to validate your cold feet, rather than discussing it sensibly with a bunch of women living it.

SoldAtAuction · 20/08/2013 02:57

My DH is in the navy, and I understand some of your concern. The thing is, for any career, sacrifices are made. If he goes to sea, there will be times when you have to handle stuff on your own, he may not be there for holidays or special occasions. You need to be pretty independent.
At the same time, if it is what he loves, he will get so much out of it, and having a happy partner is important.
You need to figure out what you will do, what job you want, and make your own life.
There is a large support network amongst the military, we aren't just WAGS, we are fully functioning people in our own right!
If you feel that you are not up to it, you need to let him know.

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