To think that I am just being stupid? Warning, a very negative post.

[Babybunny88]

Feeling very emotional tonight and sobbing as I type this. Please don't be hard on me I know this post might seem stupid but I don't know what to do any more :(

When I was growing up I had many memories that weren't very nice. I won't go into details but my mum
And dad never got along and as a result it messed me up emotionally. As a teen i did something very stupid (don't want to say on here incase it upsets some people) Despite this I love both my parents very much. Mum passed away when i was 18 ( nearly 7 years ago) had mental and physical illnesses which I didn't understand at the time but looking back I feel so incredibly upset and guilty about how much she suffered.

When mum passed away all I felt was complete numbness. Of course I was sad, but my brain must have blocked out my ability to cry and grieve properly and it's only starting now to sink in. Or maybe I am just abnormal. Which I suspect as much.

Anyway, every day is just a struggle for me and most of the time I just feel like I don't want to be here. My work is an absolute joke, and sucks the life and whatever happiness I have left right out of me. A colleague, who I have made a very good friend of, asked me today if I was ok as I seemed quiet and not like myself. To be honest I took a day off from plastering on a fake smile and pretending to be happy and pretending that I fit in. I don't fit in at all, not at work, not socially, not even in this world.

I can't tell anyone about this, I really can't. A, I am too ashamed to admit that Im not coping, B, I wouldn't even know what to say as this is something that has been going on from a young age, and C the biggest reason of all, I am afraid that people will think I am attention seeking and not take me seriously. Yes, even a doctor.

To sum up my feelings on my life; I am stuck in a job where I can't do anything right and am constantly treated like crap for minimum wage, despite training in college for two years to get the qualifications for said job. Most days I just feel like life isn't worth it and it doesn't matter what you do because in the end we will no longer be here. Morbid and negative, I know, and sadly that's what my life has come to. I don't even know the point of this post, just an idiot thread that really doesn't matter. Just wanted to communicate with anonymously so I don't have to be an even bigger burden than I already am to everybody else :(

Go to your GP. You sound depressed and need help, your GP will help you take the right path. No one will think you are a failure or attention seeking, quite the opposite in fact.

Your GP will see people day in and day out and will not judge you at all. It's hard making that first step.

Do you have any support at all?

I've felt the same way.

What would you like to happen?

Hello there babybunny. I can offer no solutions or top tips on what you should do next. There will be others along soon who can provide words of wisdom.

I can tell you that I know what it is like to lose a parent. My dad died four months ago. The pain was indescribable. Our grief is private and personal. There is no timetable or time limit for grief. You are allowed to grieve no matter what happened in the past.

Please remember that the Samaritans are always willing to listen. There is also a bereavement board on Mumsnet which is full of lovely, understanding people.

Keep posting OP.

I don't know if this helps lovely but you were born in '88? You're eight years younger than me then. Let me tell you I made many mistakes in my personal and professional life and I have sorted them all, save one.

I promise things will improve, not tomorrow necessarily or next month but they will. For a while, for me, it was very much two steps forward, one step back. Then I realised I had made a success career wise, I owned my own lovely home, I had a phone like a TV ad which buzzed with life and messages. I had arrived in my own life but it takes time x

See your GP. As soon as humanly possible. If he or she does not take you seriously, see another one. Doctors do take this seriously, or at least those worth their qualifications are. I speak from experience, having suffered from depression on and off since about age 14; every doctor I have seen has genuinely tried to help.

You do NOT have to feel like this, and you DO deserve better. I'm so sorry for all you've gone through, but please do not think that it is indicative of your worth as a human being. I have fallen into that trap many times; something will happen, or someone will treat me like crap, and I think 'well, that's all I'm worth then'. I still struggle now, am in counselling, and have had fleeting thoughts of suicide several times in the last few months, so I do know what it is to feel this awful.

The fact that you're in a job you hate and get no fulfilment from is not helping. See if you can get signed off work for a bit, just to give yourself time to recover some strength to start moving forwards again.

Please, take care of yourself, and find a person you can confide in if at all possible, perhaps your colleague that you mentioned? PM me anytime.

((Hugs))