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AIBU?

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Original poster

To receive birthday cards from DH's family

23 replies

CookieDoughKid · 19/08/2013 21:52

DH and I recently got back together after a period of separation. We separated for a year (after Relate sessions and lots of talking, we decided it was worth pursuing again Smile). We have been together 6 years including the 1 year split. We have two toddler dcs.

There's a back story for the split - for very good reasons- but I shan't go into it unless asked Grin.

During our split, DH's family made NO effort to keep in touch with me (nor even to see our dc's who were living with me.). I know DH didn't bother taking the dc's to see his family much. He's rather lazy like that.

Xmas and birthday cards stopped. I probably saw MIL (who lives 6.8 miles down the road), just twice in 2012. I asked BIL's wife - who I was always friendly with- out for a drink to celebrate her birthday. She declined my invitation saying she didn't think it was right going out with me (and also said it wasn't anything personal) but she felt disloyal to her DH and my DH at a time when my DH needed her support.

I had no support AT ALL from them as a single parent. I phoned MIL numerous times in crisis when our relationship was rocky asking for moral support but got slapped with 'she didn't want to know cos it was stressing her out too much'. It's not like I needed any practical help or asking for money - I didn't need either of those, I just needed a dear family member who could talk some sense to my DH - HER SON. For sure, I was giving her an earful about her alcoholic, debt ridden, refusing to take responsibility son but she's just - what's the word - pathetic.

So I am a bit aghast for receiving birthday cards from BIL, his wife, and MIL all of a sudden this week. I don't know what to make of this, and I don't know if I should even respond to them to say Thank You. In fact, I've taken offence to it.

Just because we are family, does not mean we are friends. Clearly - they have demonstrated that.

Any thoughts on this please wise peeps. Should I be gracious and say Thank You?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 19/08/2013 22:01

Yanbu at all, very two faced, I would put them in the bin and forget about them!

justmyview · 19/08/2013 22:02

If in doubt, I'd be gracious and be the bigger person. It would be wrong of them to ignore your birthday, so they could be criticised whatever they did

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 19/08/2013 22:03

It's not nice what they did at all...I feel confident that were DH and I to split, his Mum would be right there for me...but I wonder if this is rare..after all blood is thicker and all that and if you were confiding in MIL about problems you were having with DH then she might have found it too hard to be "disloyal" to him if you were knocking him to her.

Justforlaughs · 19/08/2013 22:05

I think they were in an impossible situation, both while you were separated and now. Damned if they did and damned if they didn't. Accept them as an olive branch or bin them, it's your choice, but I know which be the easier road.

badbelinda · 19/08/2013 22:08

I obviously don't know the full back story but can understand that they might have felt it difficult to appear to side with you when their DS/DBil and you separated or be comfortable listening to criticisms of DS from you - it's always difficult for family members to know how to behave in this situation and easy to get it wrong. Perhaps the birthday cards are an olive branch?

WafflyVersatile · 19/08/2013 22:10

Agree with justforlaughs.

I never get my sibling's partners cards. Hmm Confused Blush

Bowlersarm · 19/08/2013 22:14

It was shoddy behaviour on their behalf.

Maybe they felt torn, but they should have made an effort to keep things civilised, as you were.

However, I think you need to be the bigger person here as hopefully you will be having a long future relationship with them all. Don't reject their efforts but don't be too enthusiastic either.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 19/08/2013 22:53

Thanks for the replies. I'm just not bought into feeling torn or taking sides. How about getting to know me as a person? It smacks of olive branch this. Of course, I will always be civil but I don't have much any cause to stay in touch with them.

So what? Should I start sending them Xmas and birthday cards? I have always sent cards to people I truly cared about....as them first as a person, then their relationship to me second (friend / boss / family... Whatever. )

OP posts:
maddy68 · 19/08/2013 22:54

I think they were in a very difficult position. You were separated from your oh and their loyalties should gd with him. Now you are back together they are making the effort

Just roll with it. Thank them for the cards

WafflyVersatile · 19/08/2013 23:01

Surely cards would be from your family as a whole? That's fairly standard isn't it?

If you and your partner are going to stick together then you are going to be related to them for a very long time. Unless they are actually toxic then I can't really see any fake closeness in sending cards.

I send cards to all my cousins and uncles and aunts at christmas. Some I haven't seen for years. It's just an acknowledgement and good wishes.

BlehPukeVomit · 19/08/2013 23:01

I wouldn't worry about this. I would thank them and not give it anymore thought. I would not bother taking offence. They are not important to you.

veryconfusedatthemoment · 19/08/2013 23:03

Very hard for you. I am now almost divorced from ex and his family dropped me like hot coals, weeks after he left. I thought that was dreadful as both families are very small. I felt DS needed to see us all being polite to each other and Xmas and birthday cards are a good way of doing this. If we got back together (seriously hell will freeze over before that ever happens) I would bitterly resent their behaviour and not want to receive token cards. It would be different if they had carried on in contact. So I personally would bin them.

yoniwherethesundontshine · 19/08/2013 23:05

I would agree with most posters re being loyal to the son etc, had you had actually mixed up your genes with them in the form of children.

They, and your MIL could have explained to her son, that she is not being disloyal to him but that she feels some responsibility to you as the mother of her grandchildren and as a now single mother thanks to his fecklessness. AND that as such, she will keep in touch with you.

yoniwherethesundontshine · 19/08/2013 23:05

sorry had you not

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 20/08/2013 20:38

I'm with veryconfusedatthemoment at the mo (and sorry about your situation btw - I hope this gets resolved soon for you).

I will be gracious and send a thank you but have binned the cards. I will take them as face value 'well wishes' only.

Have a great evening everyone!!

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 20/08/2013 20:39

And thanks once again! ;)

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 20/08/2013 20:54

Gosh I think YWBU to involve them and to expect them to continue a relationship with you.

They were probably, quite rightly, showing support to their family member.

I genuinely don't see the problem with this?!

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 21/08/2013 17:14

Walter I don't disagree with you. Absolutely they should be loyal and continue supporting their own flesh and blood. However, it's not like I did wrong against their brother/son (my then ex-dh). It was I that was very wronged by my ex's misbehaviours. So as the mother of their grandchildren / nieces etc, I get dropped? Why? What is wrong with staying in contact if only to see my kids? Is it so hard?

You see, it's times like these, when you realise who your real family/ friends/ support are. I used to go the extra mile hosting dinners/ bbqs/ teas/ organising family gatherings to give ample opportunity for dh and my dcs to socialise with dh's family. That has completely stopped now and I don't think its my dc's or my loss at all. They weren't interested when we had split up. I'm now not interested regardless.

Its all a bit a facade isn't it families? Because you might sit there in your own good and decent marriages thinking your dc's family would be there for u in time of need, or just simply, in need of friendship. But I've discovered, at least to my detriment, its simply not the case. Maybe I have just been very unlucky, but I've realized, they are just not bothering about. they are all a bit 2-faced for my liking.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 23/08/2013 13:04

I do see your point completely.

And dropping the children was disgraceful.

I just think as much as in-laws are 'family', they're not real family in the true sense.

I love my sisters and brothers-in-law but I know where my loyalty is. And I wouldn't be trying to upset or drop anyone, it would just be my natural reaction to stand by my sibling.

Pigsmummy · 23/08/2013 14:26

I think that they feel as you are back together that normal service will resume, now that you are back in the fold they will pick up hiw it was pre split. If you intend to stay with your partner then you need to try to rebuild the in law relationships despite feeling very let down.

LouiseAderyn · 23/08/2013 14:39

I would have returned the cards with a note saying that since you didn't receive any from them during the year you were separated, you don't want any now.

If the split was not your fault (and it sounds like it was your dh's behaviour which caused it), then you should be able to expect your ILs to continue showing care and concern for you (if they had done so up to the time of your split).

If you were my sil and my brother had behaved badly, while I would still love him, I would not cut you off. I might have asked you not to discuss him with me though.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 23/08/2013 20:23

walters, pigs & Louise Thanks for your replies. They've been very helpful. I think eventually, I would be open to building some kind of relationship with my dh's family - it is easier to be cordial and gracious. It's taken me a long time to accept that my own definition (and expectations) of 'family' from my DH's side can never be met. I think I was wrong, in fact, to even have expected.

Perhaps it's cultural. I'm not English (Caucasian if that matters) and where I'm from, if you marry your dH, you become the 'daughter' of your dh's parents/family. You really are treated, and also expected to 'behave' as a respectful daughter and you call your DH's parents a kind of 'mama' and 'papa' too. There is also the expectation you might someday, live with 'mama' and 'papa', and take care of them.

I will have a kind of 'long distance cordial acquaintance' type of relationship with my DH's family and just limit it to Christmas cards and the very occasional annual/ bi-annual visit (even though they all live within a 15miles radius - strange but that's them for you). They are not my family, they never will be and it's time I painfully realise that.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 23/08/2013 20:40

Well if it's any consolation Cookie, you sound lovely and it's their loss!

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