To think this was a massive red flag?

[LittleMissGerardButlerfan]

I won't go into the details but my marriage isn't exactly great.

When we got married he wanted the traditional vows including me saying to love, honour and obey. I really should have seen that as a red flag shouldn't I? I feel really stupid. I just wanted to please him. Even my mum who is very quick to back him up and take his side was and didn't agree with it.

I wouldn't change things as I love my kids very much, but I know this is never going to be the marriage I want it to be.

I can't believe I didn't spot it at the time arrrrgh!

You have options. x

Yanbu. It was a bad sign. I am sorry that you are unhappily married

I don't think HWBU to like traditional vows and wouldn't have necessarily have said it was a red flag (no way I would have agreed to it though), but if he uses them as an excuse to get at you then that's out of order.

Didn't he say he'd obey you too?

So what is it that you want, and what is it that he does wrong? Is it changable? Is he controlling as your OP suggests?

It is a red flag. Wanting someone to promise to obey you when they are making one of the most binding contracts in their lives (in terms of expected length) is unhealthy. However, my DH would have known that I would never have agreed to this. There must have been a reason he said it and you agreed.

So what has he done in order for you to think this.

We used the traditional vows, but I liked them just because they were traditional, not because I have some burning desire to obey my dh.

There were probably other signs which would have been much more telling with hindsight. All you can do it try to sort out your future.

Being asked to say obey would have been a deal breaker for me.

The vicar who married us obviously sussed that too from his comments.

You said love, honour and obey - what were his vows?

If I had had a church wedding then I would have gone with the traditional vows but I'm Atheist so didn't have that option. I certainly wouldn't see wanting to go with tradition as a red flag but can understand how you would think that way when you are looking for it.

I don't think you should be kicking yourself for not seeing this 'red flag'. As others have said a lot of people just like the traditional vows. However if you'd said at the time you weren't keen on the obey bit and he kicked off about it, that would be a red flag.

Hope things work out for you OP. What is your situation at the moment?

Sorry you're having a hard time, op, but millions of couples have used traditional vows in their marriage service and not gone on to have abusive marriages.

You need to do something about your situation now; not beat yourself up about not foreseeing something which couldn't have been foreseen.
Good luck.

There's lots of little things but the main thing is if I don't have the same opinion as him then mine is wrong, obviously everyone likes to be right and I'm not saying I'm never wrong, but he just can't see other opinions if they aren't his own.

And he struggles with empathy too, I guess this is linked to seeing other people's points and accepting them even if you don't agree.

And compromise, if he doesn't want to do something he won't do it, yet expects others to do what he wants.

I know this all sounds petty but its our wedding anniversary soon and I guess I am just looking back and wondering where I went so wrong as we hardly seem to have anything in common.